To find this very uncomfortable?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

Did anyone else see the BBC coverage about being a ‘tradwife’?

Basically it includes submitting to your husband and being the homemaker, with no other role. The traditional housewife and spoiling your husband like it’s 1959.

I was very uncomfortable watching it, partly because I realised it’s my 60 year old mother.
She never went back to work when she had me 30 years ago, then went on to have my brother.
She has a small amount of savings, but zero income. She relies on my dad entirely. They have the traditional role and always have done, my father worked 9-5 all week (and longer) and my mother stayed at home and looked after the home and us. Even when we went to school she continued to stay at home.
She now has no friends she’s in contact with, does basically everything with my dad or brother (who still lives at home) and continues to ‘look after them’. My dad and brother do none of their own washing or ironing. She makes all the meals and does all the cleaning and always has done.
She doesn’t drive so she relies completely on my dad. It really worries me, as she has no concept of paying bills or online banking, she’s never paid a bill in her life or had to deal with anything financial. She has only just learnt how to use a cash point.
I’m really worried if something happens to my dad.
She also has zero skill set, except for some office work 30 years ago...she hasn’t even done any volunteering or anything in the meantime, although I keep mentioning it.
Even when they were financially struggling when we were kids (they’re very comfortable now) my mum didn’t go out and get a job and my dad ended up working two jobs.

Anyway, just wondered your thoughts and I guess I feel really uncomfortable about it, as it’s essentially my childhood and my ‘
parent’s life beyond that.

[NoProblem123]

Sounds like they rely heavily on each other and work well as a team. It’s worked for them, they’ve brought up 2 children to adulthood and improved their financial position considerably.
You don’t mention any negatives other than you being worried about their future should your dad no longer be around, but you could say the same about if your mum wasn’t around.
You’ll be there to help show them the ropes, they both sound very capable and will no doubt learn new skills should the need arise.
Your brother could do more though 😁

[Bluntness100]

It’s partly do with age

It's nothing to do with age at all, plenty of stay at hone mums living like this right now. It was simply more prevalent decades ago, now only 20 percent of mothers don't work.

[CathyandHeathcliff]

Thanks for all the replies. Interesting to read different opinions.
One thing that happened when I was at uni, which I hate thinking about and that they now never mention, was that my dad has a brief affair. No one thought my mum would take him back as there were a lot of lies around it. However she did forgive him and take him back because she wouldn’t have coped on her own. That was her ultimate reason. As a child I remember them arguing a lot and she often said she wished she could take us away and run off and leave him, but she couldn’t because of basically being entirely financially dependent on him. I only realised that as an adult. I’m pretty sure she has deep rooted mental health issues, but won’t admit to them.

[category12]

I hope your dh has good insurance in case of early death or life-changing injury, An0nym0us2011.

[mumwon]

dm married dd shortly after ww2 & although she began working in the mid 1960's dd she looked after all the money & did finance for the household - dd did help at weekends (long hours 6day weeks & only 2 week holidays than) & always cooked tea on sat when she did shopping so we came back to meal he did cooked breakfast Sunday (after church) & tea whilst dm did roast, He cleaned all our shoes & (wait for it folks!) he made his own sandwiches & when dm went to work he made ours - he had very strong views on girls education & that they could & should do anything - if he had been alive he would be nearly 100 now. Trad wife pod cast stated a few clues - her dm was a single mum who worked so she had a insecure childhood - I think she looked for a father substitute myself!

[PegasusReturns]

@Bluntness100 of course age has an impact when women of a certain age were i) actively prohibited from working and ii) didn’t have the benefit of established anti discrimination laws.

[MsMellivora]

That was my older sister until her DH died a couple of years ago, she was 63. She has a new lease if life, well an actual life rather than being a doormat. I tried many times to get her to do more but moved away about 25 years ago so wasn’t around. She then became a doormat childminding for her grandchildren. She has a BF now and they actually do stuff, she has lost the plot in that she is being a bit like a teenager sometimes but I’m pleased for her.

[mumwon]

& forgot something else - dd always ironed own shirts & his cricket stuff (early memories of him using newspaper on trousers & scattering water pre steam irons!)

[Bluntness100]

Pegasus. The woman is sixty ffs. What are you talking about? 🤣

[Booboostwo]

Margaret Atwood is prophet, we are all fucking doomed.

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

This does depend on the woman . Best friends dad died and her mum got a job , travelled abroad for the first time and went to college to learn a new language - in her 60s!
Ex Dp dad died and ex mil became so heavily dependent on us both, she was helpless and felt that interfering in our lives would fill that gap - also in her 60s.
Tbh for all the many, many problems we had in our relationship, I actually felt relief that I was shedding her as well as him!

[JKScot4]

These marriages are a disadvantage to both, widowed men who are completely incompetent in household tasks and expect daughter/DIL to step up. Saying oh my mum doesn’t know how etc she can learn, it’s not difficult to work out a budget or pay a bill same any man can learn to do a wash or cook simple meals. I think some women like playing the ‘i’m just a little wife’ role, I’ve come across a few, I think it’s hard for us who are independent financially to understand it. It’s a very small empty world to rely wholly on one person.

[PegasusReturns]

Bluntness and it only became unlawful to fire a woman on the basis of her sex in 1975, a few years before OPs mother started work.

Sex discrimination has lessened since the Act came into force but certainly didn’t wipe it out - or are you claiming no women has been discriminated against because of her marital status since 1975 🤣🤣

[UndertheCedartree]

I worry about my DM too. My DF has always delt with all the finances. She also relys on him to drive her, although she does get the bus sometimes and she used to drive. She does have lots of friends although a lot are couples they are both friends with. They live in a different country to myself and my DB. If my DF dies first I don't think she would cope alone and would have to move here. She socialises with women seperately but a big part of her social life is cooking for other couples. She does most of the housework and cooking. I think my DF would be ok alone as he helps with the housework and can cook a bit - but would probably eat out a lot without my DM and also would be invited for meals at other people's house (this happens a lot if my DM visits here alone). I think he would be fine on the social side too as he golfs with lots of other men and is a member of a couple of 'professional men' clubs.

[WingingItSince1973]

I'm 46 I'm quite happy to be a housewife. I've worked before. My husband works really hard and I appreciate all he does. Same time he appreciates all I do. It's not a subordinate role being at home, i think it provides my family with stability and security. My eldest two children have been to uni and both have good careers (both girls), my youngest is home educated so that's a different aspect altogether. I help with my 4 year old grandson too. We have such a varied and exciting life. I'm by no means a downtrodden housewife and my husband is a wonderful supportive man who also helps with housework and other jobs around the house. We are a team and both of us play a vital role in that team!!! Xx It works for us.

[alphasox]

I have the worry about my MIL. She’s clueless. My mum is totally independent and has worked as much as my dad and they both know how to operate their household, pay bills etc, my mum likes to cook, but my dad cleans up after her and they do most cleaning/garden tasks together.

My MIL has a credit card that FIL pays off every month. She has no idea about the value of anything and what their budget is. Thankfully they’re ok money wise so I don’t worry about her overspending but if FIL dies first she won’t even know where the bank is and how to pay her credit card bill.

So it’s not a generational thing, they’re just different.

[DishingOutDone]

I have a sort of friend who is very wealthy in her own right, not married but long term partner, 25 years + She works full time and does everything, all the housework, gardening, admin, paperwork and finances. When she had an accident and broke her collarbone, once out of hospital she still had to do everything. And then she took on caring for his parents too.

She's raised her sons with the same attitude, and they treat her like a skivvy. But everyone is happy. Obviously the partner is happy (she also gifts him cash from her own money - think £100k+ at a time), the kids are confident and successful in their careers loads of friends etc., so I suppose the only drawback is that I find it hard to respect her - for example when we all went out recently she had to walk slightly behind him and he barks orders at her, go to the bar and get him a drink, get him a plate of food from the table, she must stand or sit with him as he dictates - that sort of thing. And she only really admires people (male or female) who support her lifestyle choice, or who treat her the same way her partner does

It intrigues and needles me, because I think how could anyone be happy like that, and her partner is awful - greedy, lazy, racist and immoral - but she adores him and chooses to do everything he wants. I've never seen her unhappy and in her mind, my independence is a sign of my somehow being a lesser being! Folk are strange.

[pineing]

My late DM was one of these. When my father died, she was totally unable to cope with anything practical or financial, and couldn't drive. She ended up having a complete nervous breakdown about 18 months after he died.

[feelingverylazytoday]

I don't think it's the same as surrendered wives. That's when the husband makes all the decisions, even minor stuff like what clothes to wear, what to order in a restaurant, etc etc. Traditional wives usually control the home, they have their own housekeeping money which they can spend how they choose once they've bought the food and cleaning stuff, they can come and go as they please when their husbands are at work. This is how my PILs lived, they were both devoted to each other and happy with their lives. In my experience it works better if they're reasonably well off, and the wife has female relatives she's close to, preferably with the same lifestyle.

[Montythemooseisatitagain]

YANBU.

My mum is like this (and she’s only 61). I dread to think what will happen if my dad goes first as I don’t have a close relationship with her and I don’t like her. As I’m the only child that doesn’t have additional needs and the only one who can drive she’ll expect me to sort out her bills and drive her around. It isn’t happening.

[EC22]

My gran was the same but when he died she figured it all out because she had to. Same as if my gran went first my Grampa would have learned how to clean and cook.

[JKScot4]

@alphasox
Your Mil doesn’t know the value of anything? How can someone be like that? Do they live in a vacuum with no knowledge of anything? I’m thoroughly mystified 🙄

[Namenic]

Maybe set up and teach her to use internet banking, smart phone and email? This will be help as she gets older. The lady in the program evidently has some digital skills with her blog etc.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

I find the whole thing deeply uncomfortable, partly because the woman the BBC featured seemed to hanker after a nostalgic vision that I don’t think ever existed outside of idealised adverts.

But mainly I am uncomfortable because her “academy” she’s touting is encouraging women to make themselves socially and financially vulnerable - she may have a rock solid relationship underpinned by religious beliefs, but that’s not going to be true for every woman who looks at her lifestyle and thinks it will be the answer to their problems.

[stellabelle]

If she is 60 she comes from an era when it was the norm for women to work - her lifestyle is nothing to do with her age. If she likes living like that, so be it, and if your Dad dies, your brother can take over doing those " man " things that need doing .