To find this very uncomfortable?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

Did anyone else see the BBC coverage about being a ‘tradwife’?

Basically it includes submitting to your husband and being the homemaker, with no other role. The traditional housewife and spoiling your husband like it’s 1959.

I was very uncomfortable watching it, partly because I realised it’s my 60 year old mother.
She never went back to work when she had me 30 years ago, then went on to have my brother.
She has a small amount of savings, but zero income. She relies on my dad entirely. They have the traditional role and always have done, my father worked 9-5 all week (and longer) and my mother stayed at home and looked after the home and us. Even when we went to school she continued to stay at home.
She now has no friends she’s in contact with, does basically everything with my dad or brother (who still lives at home) and continues to ‘look after them’. My dad and brother do none of their own washing or ironing. She makes all the meals and does all the cleaning and always has done.
She doesn’t drive so she relies completely on my dad. It really worries me, as she has no concept of paying bills or online banking, she’s never paid a bill in her life or had to deal with anything financial. She has only just learnt how to use a cash point.
I’m really worried if something happens to my dad.
She also has zero skill set, except for some office work 30 years ago...she hasn’t even done any volunteering or anything in the meantime, although I keep mentioning it.
Even when they were financially struggling when we were kids (they’re very comfortable now) my mum didn’t go out and get a job and my dad ended up working two jobs.

Anyway, just wondered your thoughts and I guess I feel really uncomfortable about it, as it’s essentially my childhood and my ‘
parent’s life beyond that.

@FreedomfromPE

I thought you get ni credits from claiming child benefit up to 18 years

This was our house to an extent. Mum stayed at home whilst DB and I grew up and dad worked. She eventually got a very part time job in her 50s but had to give it up due to ill health.

Dad then did a lot of the cooking and ironing. However, he died first and with only 3 weeks cancer diagnosis. My poor mum just couldn't cope. DH and I sorted her banking, online food shopping etc but her only friends were a long way away and she didn't drive/ or use a mobile and we had hours of conversations trying to talk her through how to use dad's laptop.

It was really sad to watch her decline. She tried her best but couldn't do it

While your dad is alive, I guess she's OK and it's worked for them this far.

I think you should talk to them both seriously about the future tho - make sure she's provided for. Presumably he's got pensions etc that will benefit her if he dies? If they're "very comfortable" now, she should surely inherit.

You'll probably have to step up and teach her/help her with the bill-paying etc. What's public transport like where they live?

It's just what works for some people. Not what I would chose. Like I said to dp, I wasn't put on this world to clean up everyone elses crap, that they don't want to clear up themselves.
If your parents are well off, you won't need to worry about your DM financially. No one needs to pay bills anymore, you make sure there is money in your account and set up direct debits.
Your dad is the one who might struggle, if your DM dies first.

Same in our house until me and brother were late teens. My mum would've been screwed if my dad had left us. She has plenty of friends from the job she had for a few years luckily.

Nowadays men seem to walk away from their families a lot more easily, which is why it is vital that women have careers and savings of their own. I didn't realise this until it was far too late, thinking we could live like I did for a while.

It's very odd and not typical of her generation at all.

I am 56 and along with many other MNetters on here have always had a successful career independent of DH.

My mother (81) has also had a successful career although I would say she was more of an exception compared with her peer group.

But 60 is still young, OP. Your mother can still learn these things. If she chooses to.

It's up to every woman and every family to find what works for them, but to be publishing books etc on it just helps to exasperate the guilt many mums already feel for going back to work, or daring to want to have a bit of financial independence. To me this would be my absolute nightmare, I work full time in a flexible job so I am fortunate enough to be home by 3pm everyday, my son adores nursery and has developed so much since being around other children, and the extra disposable income makes life a lot less stressful (I grew up in relative poverty and often went without food and clothes that fitted). I can absolutely see why in other circumstances staying at home makes sense, but her Instagram is full of smug im-better-than-you whilst she is pushing this lifestyle while increasing her financial independence through her books etc, whilst many women are vulnerable. Make the choices that you want, but I don't see the need to push them. Still, I bet it's nice for her husband whose career is nicely intact, gets into a clean house so he doesn't have to do anything even though he is an adult capable of helping around the house, and he isn't vulnerable. If she left him or if he left her for someone else, his life would likely remain a lot like it is now, aside from having to maybe wash up or do his own laundry now and then. I know that SAHMs work just as hard as someone at work, but I think it's the pandering to her husband which is more nauseating, eurgh. Anyway, each to their own.

@category12 I’ve tried talking to them , but they, especially mum get very defensive about it and acts as though I’m attacking her or putting her down, even though I’m only trying to help really. She also won’t talk about death or my dad dying...it’s liks she literally blanks out the possibility completely.

I think it does happen a lot, especially with that generation. My grandmother stayed at home and looked after the house and kids, she had a few part time jobs but her main job was looking after the house. My grandad passed away several years ago, my grandmother is now in her 90’s, she’s coping ok on her own, family members help her with her bills and managing her money. I think it would have been a lot worse if she had passed away first as grandad has never cooked or done any house work, he wouldn’t have know how to use a oven or washing machine.

I don't think that's just down to age. I'm rapidly approaching 60 and have always been financially independent, and able to do stuff.

My mum doesn't drive, not uncommon amongst her age group. She is fine doing things online, but she relies on my dad to drive her places. This limits a lot what she does. Learning to drive is important and is something I would urge everyone who is medically able to drive, to do.

She’s only 60, that’s probably why she doesn’t want to talk about dying!

@EBearhug Yep. My grandma worked in the '60s after my grandad ran off with another woman, and she had 4 kids to bring up as well. She didn't have much of a choice.

Definitely not an age thing. 60 is young!!

My grandmother did everything in the house. She died a couple of years ago. My grandfather couldn't do anything. He lost loads of weight - we've had to teach him how to cook and he goes for a sunday roast at a pub every sunday. He exhausts himself doing laundry and has no idea how often he should clean things. He has to shop for groceries and doesn't know what to get, the staples that he needs to keep in stock (e.g. salt, pepper, gravy granules - those kinds of things). He is improving but it was a steep learning curve for him. He has since expressed a lot of guilt and regret over how he expected my grandmother to wait on him hand and foot and how ungrateful he was for the amount of time and energy she put in to keeping their home life comfortable.

This type of lifestyle benefits neither party. They become dependent on each other in different ways. Imo it's unhealthy and regressive.

60 is young. But you still have to plan for the future. I am younger than that but we have made wills because we know you don't live for ever.

The woman in my family always worked...
One grandmother was a seamstress and worked from home as well as for someone else - that's late 1940's onwards. She always had her own money and savings.
The other worked in an accounting role quite high up in a large firm. Again own money and private pension.

My mum is a specialist nurse...
I am working full time in a specialist role ...
I am busy teaching DD the importance of financial independence.

To say that women stay at home and look after the children / husband is very stereotypical- yes many did and may didn't.
It depends on so many other factors- one thing I do know is, that the woman in my family are very strong individuals...

If it's their choice and they are both happy with the situation I think YABU. My mum (80's) is very similar and always has been this way.

Just because it worked for them I don't think children grow up expecting it now (although DM was like this, I went to Uni and am main breadwinner in our household with DSs and DP). I something wonder what would happen to DM if my DF went but anything can happen and I would never try to interfere on how they live their lives.

No @PhilSwagielka it's not a fetish, it's just the way it used to be in the 50's.

I haven't seen the program but have heard about 'surrendered' wives, choosing this type of life.

I think the difference between your mother is that it wasn't her choice, but a societal pigeonhole she went into, whereas tradwife is a free choice. If that's what they want to do and are happy that fine with me. I'm sure they are canny enough to ensure they don't end up in eternal slavery to a lazy retired man.

Being a SAHM makes sense, for those who want to doit, because it can be a full-time occupation. But it can be dangerous to continue in that role when children are grown up.

I have an elderly relative who built her life around that role. She was very successful in bringing up happy children and supporting her husband who brought in their income.

Trouble is, now old and widowed, she is lonely and dependent on selfish children. Not financially dependent, as loving husband left her a very good pension. But she can’t drive and hasn’t a clue how to manage finances, or do anything practical or organise her life. The adult offspring expect endless gifts of money but spend little time with her.

Very sad. DH and I visit her and do what we can.

@BlueJava oh OK, it's just that I'm on Fetlife and there are groups for people who want to live like they're in the '40s or '50s and there's a load of BDSM-related stuff involved as well, like the woman having to submit to her husband, so I just wondered.

My mum always worked - when we were little it was two evenings a week, delivering teacher training. I'm almost 52. I have also always worked.

The attraction of this lifestyle as far as I see it is that you hand over all your responsibilities to another person. You don't have to think, take major decisions or handle any of the difficult stuff life throws you. I see it as a cop out for the weak, but then there are always weak people male and female who can't cope with life. Ultimately it's a choice people can make and the consequences are for them - living like this does leave women very vulnerable if their husband decides to abandon them for a younger woman.

This is nothing new. I saw a programme about submissive wives about 10yrs ago.

But, in the end, it's not your business how your parents choose to live their lives unless they ask for your help or advice. Just because you choose not to do it doesn't mean they are wrong.

My MIL was in the same position. FIL died in 1996 when they had been together 50yrs and in the roles you describe. She sold her flat, bought a 4 bed detached house, made some canny financial decisions and had a very happy, independent life for another 20yrs. She could have made these decisions whilst he was alive but chose not to.

Yanu to talk to her about the future but yabu to judge her for the life she has had.

It’s partly do with age - my mother who is in her 60s had to give up her banking job when she was married in the 70s

She did eventually go back to work in the 90s but a 15 year career break was not easy to recover from.

Conversely I know some fabulous women in their 60s, 70s and 80s that have had amazing careers although really they were the exceptions.

That said you only need to read the swathes of threads in MN where young women have given up any hope of financial independence to know theirs women across every generation who see sacrificing themselves at the feet of their menfolk as a good use of their life.

This is me, I have no savings or income. I rely solely on my DH. I look after our children and look after our home. We like it this way. Once we've finished having kids and they're all in school il probably find a job