To find this very uncomfortable?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

Did anyone else see the BBC coverage about being a ‘tradwife’?

Basically it includes submitting to your husband and being the homemaker, with no other role. The traditional housewife and spoiling your husband like it’s 1959.

I was very uncomfortable watching it, partly because I realised it’s my 60 year old mother.
She never went back to work when she had me 30 years ago, then went on to have my brother.
She has a small amount of savings, but zero income. She relies on my dad entirely. They have the traditional role and always have done, my father worked 9-5 all week (and longer) and my mother stayed at home and looked after the home and us. Even when we went to school she continued to stay at home.
She now has no friends she’s in contact with, does basically everything with my dad or brother (who still lives at home) and continues to ‘look after them’. My dad and brother do none of their own washing or ironing. She makes all the meals and does all the cleaning and always has done.
She doesn’t drive so she relies completely on my dad. It really worries me, as she has no concept of paying bills or online banking, she’s never paid a bill in her life or had to deal with anything financial. She has only just learnt how to use a cash point.
I’m really worried if something happens to my dad.
She also has zero skill set, except for some office work 30 years ago...she hasn’t even done any volunteering or anything in the meantime, although I keep mentioning it.
Even when they were financially struggling when we were kids (they’re very comfortable now) my mum didn’t go out and get a job and my dad ended up working two jobs.

Anyway, just wondered your thoughts and I guess I feel really uncomfortable about it, as it’s essentially my childhood and my ‘
parent’s life beyond that.

[butterpuffed]

I'm late sixties , went back to work when my dd was three , it wasn't unusual , can't think of any friends at the time who didn't . DH had stable well paid work so it wasn't a necessity , I just wanted to so that I had a life outside of home and family , needed my own identity .

My mother never went back to work but definitely knew how to deal with cheques , sort the bills etc.

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I feel like there’s something wrong with my mother after reading these replies. I’m seriously concerned about her. I always thought it was completely normal growing up but it clearly isn’t.
I feel so sad she doesn’t have any friends either. She doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem that her only ‘friend’ is my dad.

[SerendipityJane]

I knew the appellation "trad" was irritating me ... I guess my DPs weren't such big jazz fans ....

It's Trad Dad !

I bet once the Google pixies start picking up that reference with "tradwife" the whole "movement will crash and burn

[madcatladyforever]

I'd never be dependent on a man never have been and never will be. My mother is a total dependent and has never worked.
My grandmother had her own business from home and totally revived a lost craft. She supplied Harrods and all the big shops and employed various local people. She was an inspiration.

[CathyandHeathcliff]

@MatildaTheCat No way would she go to see her GP, she doesn’t think they’re anything unusual about it (or so she says). She is either in denial or seriously doesn’t think it’s unusual at all.
She could do with some counselling for past experiences, however she is completely against it whenever I’ve brought the subject up, of the old fashioned opinion that it’s people ‘nosying in on your life’ even though I’ve been to therapy in my life several times, she doesn’t ‘believe in it’.

[CathyandHeathcliff]

*there’s

[TheFormidableMrsC]

I don't agree it's too late for her to change. Your Mum is only 10 years old than me and I've got an 8 year old! I would be encouraging her to find some independence, although she may not actually want to do that. I see no harm in broaching the subject of what will happen if your Dad passes away. It's sad (and unusual) that she has no friends, what about your Dad? I know nothing of their marriage but is it in any way controlling? Would she perhaps consider going to local groups or doing a little volunteering? This is really difficult. It horrifies me that anybody, at the age of 60, would be that dependent on another person that they have no life of their own, at all. Perhaps talk to her and see how she responds.

[Supersimkin2]

Housewife isn't anything to do with surrendered wife, which is a fetish.

Neither is learned helplnessness.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Thanks for the solidarity @JKScot4 but I don't actually think there is any discernable negative effect of having a SAHM. The whole reason that the research in this area is controversial is that when researchers look for differences between children based on whether they went to childcare they find tiny differences that other researchers then struggle to replicate. The idea that anyone can tell just by looking at a child whether they had a SAHM is nonsense - if it were true we'd see it very easily in big, replicable studies.

[CathyandHeathcliff]

@TheFormidableMrsC I’ve tried talking to her in the past and she’s extremely defensive and just won’t talk about it without getting angry or upset. But this is like anytime I try and broach a serious subject with her.
Yes, I think it’s sad too.

My dad has friends, he’s never had an issue socialising. He has encouraged her in the past, but she isn’t interested (apparently).
However mum has been controlling with dad seeing his friends from time to time. She comments on him seeing a friend ‘too often’ which is only once or twice a week. This friend comes over to theirs too. Mum is very resentful towards it.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I don’t think it’s anything to do with age, plenty of people have this set up still now.

It’s not for me and I would never have picked a partner that subscribed to that theory.

I wanted a partnership where everything was shared and for our children to see it’s perfectly possible to have a career and family and that both sexes should aim high rather than subscribing to the “men are the providers and women don’t have to work”.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

@CathyandHeathcliff There is clearly a much bigger issue here and I apologise for suggesting it might be something to do with your Dad, it is obviously the other way round. She likes her little bubble doesn't she? I think that's fine except why would she be so defensive if she was happy with the status quo? I don't know what the answer is really. My M&D had a very traditional marriage until we got to around the end of primary school and then my Mum started a business and had a life and money or her own, without relying on my Dad. However, they did have a very busy social life and travelled a lot. Funnily enough, it was my Dad who really struggled when my Mum died because she had always done the house admin and he didn't have a clue. It's a shame your Mum won't embrace the freedom she has but if she's happy like that then there's not a lot you can do really. Difficult.

[TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince]

I’m 56. Nether l or any of my friends or colleagues are like this. We were brought up to have careers. I’ve worked all my life as have my friends. My mum worked most of her life too, as did my sister and SIL.

I know no one like this. My sister was into Women’s Lib and l grew up in Thatchers Britain ( unfortunately) but women were working in larger numbers than ever before in the 80’s. We both worked and never even thought about giving up jobs when the children came along

[pointythings]

@skysblue - research evidence doesn't bear out your statement that you can tell who has been in childcare and who hasn't, and that children who have been in childcare are less mature and less kind. There isn't a shred of peer reviewed evidence that shows such a thing - what there is goes both ways and all of it is incredibly tenuous.

Which is logical, because parenting at home is immensely influential and comes in a very wide and variable spectrum. FWIW my DDs were both in childcare full time from 6 months, as were many of their peer groups, and you couldn't wish for a nicer, kinder, more sensible group of teens. Because they all have good parents.

Meanwhile I'm a widow because my husband turned to alcohol and trashed our marriage as well as his relationship with our kids and I am grateful every single day that I have maintained my career - because I can now provide for them without needing a man.

[BlatheringOn]

Unless you think there is abuse, I'm not sure that you either can or should do anything.
My DM worked throughout my childhood and then took early retirement. She had little contact with her two friends after retirement and when my DF died, relied on her 2 children for her social life even though it was sometimes difficult for us. However, she refused to make new friends, get involved in voluntary work or do anything that would relieve us of the burden of being her only support. You are not wrong to worry about what will happen when your DF dies. You have to decide how much support you want to offer and how much you need to keep time for yourself. Her way of life is her choice even if you don't agree with it (and I must admit I did resent my DM in the end).

[NYCDreaming]

You don't need to work to have a fulfilling life though. You can get most of the benefits of work (socialisation, sense of fulfillment, learning new things etc) from much more enjoyable places. The only reason I can see to go to work is to get more money, but if one person earns enough to support both of you then what's the point of spending so many of your waking hours somewhere that you wouldn't choose to be?

Plus if you're not working you can spend more time on making life better for your whole family - spending more time with the children, getting all of the cleaning and admin done during the day so that everyone can spend the weekends relaxing, taking children to their hobbies (you'd be hard-pressed to find a childminder who would take your daughter to her ballet lesson).

I am a stay at home parent of school-aged children and I can assure you that my life isn't 'small'.

[LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook]

My grandmothers both worked, a friend of mine's mother who is considerably younger than either genuinely went to finishing school I think in Switzerland, to ensure she married well. She's never worked a day in her life and my friends and get brother both boarded from a young age so she wasn't really a sahm either. I hope she's got her husband well insured, she wouldn't know where to start without him.

[Fanniesyeraunt]

This sounds a bit like me OP! At least I’m sure that’s how some people would view my marriage. I gave up work when I had my first and now have 4 dc’s and I haven’t gone back to work - and I’m not sure i ever will!

My DH is a high earner - I don’t need to work (if we were short of money it would maybe be a different matter). He pays the bills as it’s easier for him to sort it all out whilst in the office. I’m sure if anything happened to him I’d be able to figure it out!
Working in a typical job wouldn’t work for us as the kids have longish holidays (private school) and we go away a lot so with most jobs only giving 3-4 weeks holiday a year that would be impossible. I do all the cooking/cleaning but he does do things if asked, I prefer to do it my own way though. I’ve done some charity work and it’s nice to have the option to do that, although I really do like being at home and having a bit of freedom with my day.
I worked in several jobs before having dcs (mainly office positions) and in the main found it deathly boring. The thought of “training up” for years to work in a profession just doesn’t interest me I’m afraid. I do love reading, crafts, going on long walks etc. I’m not just a housewife.
Maybe your mum and dad just like things the way they are and it works for them?

[Alyic]

I'm a similar age to your Mum, I'd say she was an exception, certainly not the norm, 99% of women I knew returned to work and went on to have much bigger jobs than their husbands.

[VenusTiger]

@JKScot4 the little darlings who stayed in with mum tend to be spoiled and unable to share as they’ve not socialised as well as nursery kids

Utter bollocks. My son shares to the point of lending things to friends and he's extremely confident, very warm and friendly and sensitive. He understands value and is not spoilt. Who's the judgy pants now. He's also an only child of you'd like to categorise again.

[MustangsDraggedMeAway]

Having the option to carry on in a family business was a privilege not open to many women.

My grandmother (born in 1902) started her own business and my great grandmother (born in the 1870's) had a business making and selling children's clothes out of her house. I'm told she turned the front of her house into a shop which was very profitable. They also had a combination business together.

I also started my own business almost 30 years ago that went global after four years. More women need to understand that we don't have to be employed in businesses that men created/founded - we can start our own and those businesses don't have to be dressmaking, they can be shipbuilding, or something like Amazon, Space-X. Think big. Don't be petty or sweat the small stuff.

Nothing is wrong with being a traditional wife either.

[Berrymuch]

@Skysblue what a crock of crap. There are so many factors that affect a child's development, what a ridiculous statement. Sure some children might fare better with a stay at home parent (depending what that parent actually does, staying at home watching telly probably not); others will flourish in childcare. Good for you that you feel 'overqualifed' for most part time roles, which is interesting as you haven't worked for a while, but don't try and make out that you're at an advantage over those that make different decisions to you.

[alphasox]

@JKScot4 I’m mystified too. Maybe she’s just daft too lol. One day she complains that She never has a coffee out as £3 is too much for a drink and the next day she shows up wearing a new £300 jumper and telling me she thinks it’s value for money as she will wear it all winter.

[catwithflowers]

This is my life now and I love it! I’m in my early 50s and have worked on and off since I left uni until about a year ago as well as raising my three children more or less on my own. They are now grown up and (reasonably!) independent and I have remarried after their father and I divorced eight years ago.

I am in the very fortunate position of not having to work now. My husband earns a high salary and is happy for me to stay at home and be a housewife (so long as I actually do the housework and don’t just sit drinking gin all day 🤣). Equally, if I wanted to work, he would support me in my choice. I’m really happy and after years of working, initially in quite a stressful profession but latterly in very low paid jobs, I am really happy to shop, cook, clean, iron, walk the dog, potter in the garden, clean out the chickens, go to the gym and keep house. I am well educated but really enjoy just being at home. And dare I say it, I really enjoy looking after my husband and making his life a little easier in small ways.

It’s a partnership that works for us and I think I am extremely fortunate to have a choice.

[Steerpike902]

I don't think you're being unreasonable to find it uncomfortable. My mum has always worked since we went to school and she'd loathe to stop working now even though my dad's retired and needs care. She says she needs to see people and have extra money she can spend on herself without feeling guilty. My dad is very moody and if she spends money he can get a bit irate so if she's earning she can justify getting her hair done or whatever.

My MIL basically hasn't worked since she got married she let her husband worry about the finances and she helped him run his business but she just did as she was told. She definitely preferred that but he died young and now she still refuses to work and lives in poverty applying for one job every couple of months and won't apply for benefits incase they "force her to work" we're all very worried about her but at same time she keeps coming up with weird ideas about selling the house and renting until she can get her pension (which will be tiny) age its just a bad idea. We keep offering her help but she'd rather just do it her own way.

In short, I'm keeping my job for as long as I can.