I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

I wouldn't judge you. You never know what's round the corner. I had my DC in my 30s and still got cancer when they were toddlers. My FIL had DH at 55 and lived until my DH was 30. Obviously my DH was very sad to lose him but that's life. He's fine now.

I would not judge you (older parent myself and child of older parents) but I do think you will be utterly exhausted, and I think your husband is mad to even consider it.

I also think you should consider carefully how any prospective child may feel about being brought up in a family where everyone is much older than them. I had no surviving grandparents when I was born, and my cousins and half siblings were an average of 15-20 years older than me. We are not particularly close even now I’m an adult as we’re at very different life stages. I’m also seeing my dd in a similar situation, and it’s breaking my heart a little.

The inability of my parents to provide practical support is also hard, although they adore my dd. I am juggling elderly parents, a school age child, full time job, and the menopause is fast approaching. It’s not the easiest.

@AmelieTaylor

My comment wasn’t about absolute numbers of children but more about considering the impact on your existing children and spreading yourself too thin.

The OP and her DP would have to juggle the needs of her 2 pre teen/early teen DC, his 2 late teen DC and a young baby/toddler. That’s likely be very tricky, especially adding the OP and DP age (less energy/more health problems) into the mix. If they’re exhausted by a baby they may struggle to deal with the teenage years of their existing 4 children. Or maybe they are superhuman and won’t struggle with all that 🤷‍♀️ I know I would.

I have a lot less energy in my 50's than I did in my 40's. I'd find a 10 year old exhausting. I also agree that dh won't have any idea of the tiredness toll a baby can take on you.
I think I'm in the too old category.

I'm 36 is dh is 52, we have a 1yr old.
I'm fine and I'd like another but he thinks he is firmly in the top old camp.
He keeps saying how he could only have 20 years with her.
He wants to retire at 60 and is stressed at paying off our big mortgage by then and having whatever she needs.

I was 43 when our son was born, DH same ballpark age. Some people will be critical and offer up their opinions but it’s nothing to do with them really.

I definitely didn’t have lower energy levels than the majority of mums I knew. There are medical risks to consider but there are always risks in life.

At the same time I was pregnant a colleague had he second child making her husband a dad for the first time at 61. I saw him 2 days ago, he was on his bike having been fishing with his teenaged son

Not judge exactly but I would think you were mad. Everything previous posters said - also one of your kids is 13 so you're just heading into the teenage years, which can be surprisingly exhausting, expensive and harrowing - I found it the hardest stage of parenting, even worse than the baby stage at times. So you haven't yet experienced that stage yourself yet, let alone your DH who would be 70-plus starting it with his own child. He has no idea what any of this is like.

I'm in my 40s and like all my friends, am going through the stage where our parents are dying or in ill health. That also requires a lot of maturity and resources and energy. I know people can go through that at any age, but I would hate to have gone through it as a teenager or 20something. Just no.

Go for it. IF dh retires and becomes a sahd. That's the only.way I would

I don’t think it matters if people judge you or not, it’s about what’s right for you guys. Some things to think about:

• you would be doing almost all the night wakings / running around playgrounds etc as your partner will run out of stamina. It won’t be equal parenting, but that may work for you guys.
• it is possible but v v unlikely that at 43 you would conceive with your own eggs. IVF success rates for age 43 are something like 5% success with own eggs / 40% with donor eggs. This reflects the fact that women release their best eggs first and by the time we get to our 40s the eggs left aren’t much good.
• if you choose to do IVF with your own eggs then you will need surgery to get the eggs out, they call this ‘egg collection’ but it can be physically quite traumatic. I physically recovered from childbirth much faster than from IVF. (If you chose donor eggs you wouldn’t need egg collection.)

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Sorry but I think you are mad to even think about it and selfish. You are both too old. Your DH will be such an old dad it's not fair on a child.

Also you already have 2 children. Due to overpopulation that should be enough for any family.

My dad was 45 when I was born, not even that old, but he died of cancer when I was 16 and he was 62. I have always felt envious of my half siblings who were adults with their own children when he died, they had a lot more time with him. I understand though that life is just what happens, some young dads tragically die of cancer and some older dads live into their 90s and see their kids into adulthood.

@Liverbird77 Like you I am appalled at the negative comments. Above all a child needs love, 100% love and the support of one adult. (Studies back that one loving parent is enough, yes 2 would be wonderful...)

There are so many inadequate parents and age is not really a factor. There are selfish, abusive, low IQ, low emotional IQ, short tempered, intolerant, smokers, heavy drinkers, criminals, abusers... the list is sadly pretty endless.

A child has no real defence against the adult(s) in her life, she has no means of measurement because of the lack of experience. Should she find herself with a thoughtful loving mother who put a great deal of consideration into bringing a child into this world simply to share love then on balance that child probably has a better life chance of happiness than most.

Ageism is disgraceful. Stick your judgement on those abusers of children, those who smack hard, ignore, never listen, the impatient and the inadequate. Age is not a factor but character damn well is.

My dad was older than your DH when I was born.
He was the most amazing father with endless time (retired), patience and wisdom. I could not have wished for a better dad and his Age was a benefit.

He died when I was a young adult and it was awful but I had him for the whole of my childhood and i wouldn’t change him.

Go for it!!

I think you know deep down the answer to your own question. Wait for your grandchildren to come along and enjoy every minute of them. X

Honestly? I would think you were irresponsible and selfish.

That’s how old you both are now. Best case scenario, you will both be another year older by the time the baby is born (and it is not being unfair to say that - statistically speaking, it is very unlikely it will be that quick, it’s likely to take much longer) and then by the time the child is 12 your husband will be at least 70. There is no escaping the fact that the older we get, the greater our chances of health conditions, serious illness, and, well, dying. The attitude of ‘just go for it, it’ll all be ok, we make it work because we have to’ just doesn’t wash for me afraid.

I cannot fathom TTC when the likelihood is that at least one parent will die when that child is at best in their teens or very early twenties. I’ve had family members and friends had to deal with the aftermath of a parent dying when their children were aged 2 right up to 17. It’s horrific.

We all want to think that we’ll be the 70+ year old who’s as fit and active as we were at 70. The reality is that lots and lots of 70+ year olds aren’t.

Just try. Who cares what others think. Life is so strange. You can’t predict anything- as you know from your husband’s sister’s death. I wouldn’t worry about the age.

Your DP is too old, sorry. I thought I had mine late, but he’ll become a father at the same age my mum became a grandmother even if you get pregnant first time.

In your shoes I would look carefully at the stats on this bearing in mind both your and your DH’s ages. The rates of pregnancy. The rates of Down’s syndrome and others genetic conditions. The rates of miscarriage. The rates of ASD, other conditions etc. Because it doesnt look great for your ages for me that would kill the idea for me personally. And of course yes those are stats and I know women who have had kids older than you and men (separately) who have had kids older than your DH and the kids are well and fine. But I would go in with your eyes open because this has potential for a lot of heartache.

If you went ahead how keen is your DH to do this? Because if he is retiring I would want him to be a SAHD and do the heavy lifting if you have a successful pregnancy and then go back to work. And you’ve still got to factor in how you can balance the needs of all the children.

So would I judge you? No if doing on an informed basis. Yes if you close your eyes to the risks and issues and plough ahead away. But it wouldn’t be for me.

Where has this attitude that we are responsible for our DCs until they are grandparents themselves come from?
People have always been having children alongside their own children having children. Mums have always "been old enough to be a grandmother".

I would say go for it! I was 43 when I conceived ds4. Its not up to other people! Don’t let them decide your happiness.

Age is irrelevant, it’s how you feel. Yes risks increase as you get older but I know many people who conceived a child with ds at a younger age.. I had a healthy pregnancy. You could conceive at a young age but then children

People whose parents were 40-50 - how was this for you?

Honest answer? I hated having much older parents. Although I was lucky that I had both parents around when I was growing up. They had a good marriage and I felt loved. They also gave us their time, and we went on day trips together and family outings to the cinema. I had a happy childhood all told.

However, I hated people thinking they were my grandparents, I hated that they were too old to do fun stuff, I was embarrassed that my dad was retired by the time I was 15. They never became grandparents in their lifetime.

On the plus side, most of my peers are now dealing with elderly parents and all the related health issues that go with that, or they are dealing with bereavements. I have been an “orphan” for nearly 30 years now.

And blow me, if I didn’t go and do the same and have DD at 41, with DH being 48 when she was born. This was due to infertility and me thinking I would never get pregnant, so the pregnancy really was a massive surprise. That said I am much healthier than my mum was at this age.

Tbh I think your biggest issue might be getting pregnant in the first place. The stats are very poor for your age group and yes there’s always someone who managed it easily, but they are at the edge of the norm. Ivf is also extremely costly and unlikely to work at that age.

Good luck whatever you decide.

My experience of this is that my parents had me and my sibling when they were late teens then when I was mid teens they started again and now have 3 more children the youngest being only 8 so there is a massive age gap for a start. My parents are now i their 50s and they have both said they now have less patience than they did when they had us young and they are exhausted, with 3 young children from teens to younger and all still working full time.

I had my children in my 20s, there is a 10 year age gap between me and DH so we didn’t leave a big gap between our DC, 17 months, as DH didn’t want to be an old parent or miss out on doing al the dad things with them and hopefully still be alive if any grandchildren happen. To be honest I’m exhausted and I’m only early 30s now, working and doing all the clubs, feeding, washing etc and my kids are getting older now!

So I wouldn’t judge you but I’d think you were mad, I couldn’t go back to sleepless nights etc and it may sound selfish but I’m looking forward to me and DH having time to ourselves, going away on holiday or for weekends away spontaneously without having to think about sitters etc or missing out because of the kids

People whose parents were 40-50 - how was this for you?

I answered this last night, approx 23:41. It’s not ageism, it’s real life experience.

My youngest is 18. Her grandfather is 74, best case scenario, that would be your husbands age when this child turned 16. He's currently waiting for a triple heart bypass. Her other, very fit and youthful grandfather died at 73.

I couldn't have a child knowing the likelihood of dealing with something like that in their teen years is high.