I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

And as a secondary teacher I see first hand the impact on teenagers who have elderly parents.

Yes, so do I! I’m 55 and dh is 70. We have two adult children and a young teenager. What we lack in energy we make up in experience (both life and parenting). We don’t both have to work all hours to pay a mortgage As we used to and are able to spend time helping him with school work and music practice, transporting him to music lessons, orchestras, coding clubs and accompanying him to concerts and other places he wants to visit. He’s currently top of his year academically and never gives anyone a moments bother which is more than I can say for some of his peers. I think the benefits of older parents far outweigh the disadvantages.

Go for it if that’s what you both want OP

I certainly wouldn't judge or criticise you for trying, but I would warn you to think hard about how the consequences would affect you both should something go wrong for you or your baby at any time during pregnancy and childbirth.

If I'm honest I really thought I wouldnt consider having a baby at 43, I had mine at 26 and 28, DH was 38 and 40.

At 52 now he is not too old and actually at 40 I feel like I would still be ok, HOWEVER, my parents are 64 and 66 and suddenly, in spite of them having a very young outlook, being up for partying etc, in the last year I have found that they are now starting to get old. They don't look it and are often mistaken for my teenage DCs parents but my mums hearing is going, they struggle with spontaneity and also how things are changing in the world.

I wonder in 10 years time DH could be like that so maybe that would stop us having more. Also, DHs dad was in a nursing home with dementia by 74 (and should have been a year or two earlier really) so that would be a worry.

Essentially you don't know what is going to happen though as I have lost a couple of friends in their 30s to cancer and other relatives in their 40s so the future is uncertain regardless.

If you really want to then go for it, my main concern is that it isnt the best thing for the child. Its totally untrue that you never regret having another child, you only regret not having one, I know more than one couple who have these regrets.

Go for it

I couldn't imagine anything worse to be honest, but each to their own. I don't think it's the having a baby in 40's/50's that's the biggest issue, it's having a preteen in 50's/60's, and then having a young adult who will have to grow up very fast, probably worrying how long their parents will be around. They won't have that close sibling relationship with the half siblings they share as the gap will be too vast, and they will always be at such different stages in their lives. So really, unless you have 2 more kids, that could leave a very lonely young person in 20 years time. Something I wouldn't want to put my child through. I know there's risks in everything, and I could die tomorrow in my 30's, leaving 2 young kids, but statistically, the chances are alot lower. My parents had my younger sibling 16 years after me and my dBro. Dad died when Dsis was only 12, and now my mum, who is very young for her age, but in her early 60's with a sassy teenager to raise, struggles daily with keeping up with her demands, and although loves her dearly (as we all do) must be envious of her friends who aren't dealing with teenage dramas all these years later. She's been doing the school run for 30 years straight! She finds it exhausting, and obviously when they decided to have another baby, didn't envisage doing it alone. The saving grace for my mum at least is knowing if anything happened to her, I would take on my Dsis, so she'd always be well cared for, but obviously would be awful for her to lose both her parents while still so young. You do need to think about deteriorating health, mobility, etc, as it is something that is much more likely to affect you sooner (while still raising a child) rather than someone having a baby in their 20's.

i wouldnt criticise you to yoru face, in fact i wouldnt criticise at all, unless your parenting skills were lacking later on and you were too tired and self involved

I live just outside London and having children in your late 30s to mid 40s is the norm here. If there are any raised eyebrows it's more towards people having kids in their 20s. So maybe your concern about judgement is influenced by where you live? This will play a part in how your child would feel about having older parents. Would he/she have school friends with parents of a similar age potentially or would they stick out like a sore thumb?

Out of intetest, how has your partner got to his mid 50s without having children if he is suddenly so keen for them?

Personally i wouldn't bat an eyelid at a 43 year old with a new born, but mid 50s is pushing it a bit. But it sounds like the child would be surrounded by loving extended family if anything bad should happen. If you decided to go for it i would make it a priority that they have a close relationship with your DHs nieces/nephews and their children.

I wouldn't criticise you, but inside I'd be screaming "what the hell are you thinking?!".

I wouldn't judge you. It's none of my or any ones business. If your DH is fit, healthy, kind, considerate and will be involved then that's better than what a lot of other children have, unfortunately.

I would not judge .

At all .

Sounds like a secure loving environment .

@EnidBlyton

fact i wouldnt criticise at all, unless your parenting skills were lacking later on and you were too tired and self involved

& that never happens with 20/30 year olds

🙄

I'd think that you were crazy! Definitely not at that age its far too old. I am 49 and DH 53 and our DC are all grown up, there is no way now that we could manage with young children, we are developing age related problems now.

so you put the child through university when you are 61?
can you afford it op?

Too old in my opinion for the sake of a child. Not only could an elderly parent become a burden before the child can set himself up as an adult, the chances are high you will pass away while he is still a minor. That would be unfoair to your older ones, having to step in a surrogate parents.

Go for it, as long as you don’t expect yours kids to have you move in and care for you when you’re old and they’re fresh out of uni.

Start TTC now and make an appointment to start IVF at the same time and do both concurrently to increase your chances

I’m 42 with a 15 yr old and a 12 yr old and wouldn’t dream of having another child now. However, I don’t think 43 is irresponsibly old to have a baby.

I think 57 is really pushing it, though.

so you put the child through university when you are 61?

And?

I am 61. DD started university in September. We are far more financially secure than we were 20 years ago.

Would you be allowed to adopt op?

is this due to wanting to Mark your relationship?
Or desire for fulfillment in life?

Yes, sorry.

Bear in mind with such a large age gap between you and your DH, chances are you will not only be doing the lion's share of the childcare for the new dc (AND your existing dc), you may also end up the carer for your dh, which is a crushing burden, just so he can enjoy being a father.

All the work is on your side, not his, and this could go on for decades. I would disagree to doing it.

@Alte

he’ll become a father at the same age my mum became a grandmother

...and? That affects the OP how Exactly?

My Aunty became a Grandmother at 39. Does that mean I should tell everyone else that they shouldn’t have children after 39?

I wouldn't judge you, but if you were my friend I would be worried that the child may be born with serious health problems. That of course can happen with any child, but I'd be worried that as older parents it would be harder to deal with and you would spend the rest of your life being a carer when you really needed caring for yourself. Or, even worse (in my humble opinion), the child, say has Downs Syndrome and loses their parents at a relatively early age and has to go into a care home whilst also dealing with the loss. These things can happen to any family, but I have to admit it would be in my thoughts for older parents.

I wouldn't judge and I would go for it at 43 if I wanted another child then. I think you should think about things like what if the baby has health issues, everybody should think about that tbh regardless of age.

you might be ok paying for university at 61 @Ginfordinner but I was actually asking the op

@Liverbird77 The disabilities you are speaking of are very easily detected....My DS has 2 rare gene mutations which are de novo. Totally undetectable from pregnancy. He goes to school with lots of PMLD children...180 in our small town. Most with strange mutation of genetics.
NIPT currently wouldn't screen for those..... we had years of genome testing.
I am 43 and have 3 kids 12, 10 and 8. Eldest has ASD high functioning and 10 year old is severely disabled. DH is 2 years younger.
I wouldn't judge but I would think you were crazy !
Absolutely no way I would go through the baby years again.....but then I have a 10 year old baby!