I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

Sorry - posted too soon.
I do judge you a little bit for having another child just because you are in a new relationship. I'm not a fan of this concept in general and I don't think adding another person to the planet is responsible, sorry.

Someone I know had children with a man in his late 50s (30 yrs older than her). They were both first time parents. The DC are now young teens and the father has become less and less involved as they’ve got older. The kids are basically her domain. He doesn’t really want to be involved and likes his own time and space. Also, when he used to do the school run (which he stopped after infants), all the other children used to assume he was their grandad. I think if you went ahead, there’s the possibility that you might end up doing the teenage years without much support.

I would probably judge you for the effect it will have on the DC you already have. You'd both be absolutely exhausted having a new born at this point and existing DC will suffer, it will completely change the dynamic of their family, having already had to accept a step parent. And yes your DH is too old, completely unfair to sentence a future DC to likely losing dad in his/her teens.

Love the life you already have, you are very blessed.

I suppose I don't get the "new relationship more kids" thing.

Would you be eligible for ivf?

I wouldn't, especially already having 2.

Do you really want another or more for him?

He’s too old. He would be knackered with a baby and toddler in his early 60’s.

Not for me I am 44 and in menopause. Luckily I managed to have a last chance child at 40 with my second husband. We were judged over that. But to me, bollocks to others, it's not them that is taking it all on. You know the risks, and what is involved. Only you can decide and having had children at 30, 32 and 40. My mum had me at 17 and a friend at 25 there are ALWAYS people who judge. But they don't have power over your life x

or woman of 53 could parent a 10 year old

Perfectly well, thank you very much I was 51/52 when DD was 10. And I'm managing perfectly well now she's 15. I don't understand all this on your knees at 40, 45, 50+ business on MN!

I didn't witness the pitchforks out when the Clooneys had their twins when George was 56 and Amal pushing 40. That said, I think both George, Richard Gere, Alec Baldwin and OP's husband are too old to have children.

And I get called gran loads on the school run. But don't let it bother me. Why would that put anyone off? People will always assume it's hardly the end of the world.

I wouldn’t judge, but it wouldn’t be for me.

I don't believe your dh really wants children, as most people who do would have made choices in life to make that happen before his age.

We were married 7 years before we adopted and most of that time was taken up with trying to have a family but before we met, DH, who is unassuming and not into "making life choices that get him where he wants to be" (having been born in the 1950s not the 2000s), just thought all that had passed him by.
He's great not only at the hands on stuff but at fighting for our children to get what they need. He has a background in contracts and similar things and reads the SEN Code of Practice for fun . I'm more into what evidence there is for how children learn to read/DS disability etc (science background) but he takes it all on board and says "now which reading book should DD be reading, this one from school or this one you got?"

Go for it Op.

DH uncle and wife were older parents, due to problems/miscarriages. They were almost 45 (mum) & 48 (dad) when their DD was born, she now 25, had a wonderful upbringing, definitely as good as other kids. I would say she kept them young at heart, they worked into their late sixties, were/are very active, she went uni. Her dad did a long distance Fundraising cycle ride with her and a friend and dad, when he was 63/64.

Yes, she was an only, but had a good friendship group growing up, her mums family are abroad but saw them regularly. In our family, she is only slightly older than my 2 DC and their 2 cousins, so they were like a gang of 5 whenever we had family get togethers.

For a second example, my own cousin has a toddler, born when she was 47.5, partner similar age. They didn’t meet until early 40s, he had been married before but no kids, she hadn’t. She did have a couple of miscarriages and it was a difficult pregnancy. She wrote an article last year (she lives abroad but is a journalist) and I was sent a link to it, very poignant, about how much their son has brought to their life. He is the first and much wanted grandchild on his dads side, has older cousins on mums side.

Both sets of grandparents are going strong in late 70s and 80s, cousin and partner have a full-on outdoor life, so no reason that they won’t live a long life too, but they both have loving siblings who would step in if needed.

Yes your DH will be a much older father than normal, but it sounds as if you are financially stable, he will be retired to look after the child and has had experience of young children through his career anyway. Teens may be another matter....but they are challenging at any age!

I think your DH is too old personally, but if it's what you want, go for it. My dad died in his early 40s. You can't predict anything in life.

Clooneys had their twins when George was 56 and Amal pushing 40. That said, I think both George, Richard Gere, Alec Baldwin and OP's husband are too old to have children

And these people will have nannies, housekeepers, chefs, chauffeurs, cleaners, gardeners and the rest. A bit different to your average joe having a baby pushing 60.

And it also depends on the type of child you get. Some are easy, sleep through the night from birth (apparently, I've never had one of these). None of mine slept through until they were five, and continued to be...ahem...active children. I just know I couldn't now be facing a teenager, menopause has been largely symptomless for me, I got lucky, but I've heard some horror stories from friends and going through that with a small child...

It’s nobody else’s business. Go for it, if that’s what you want to do - but you know of course the risks are a little higher.

IVF rates decline significantly after age 40, as statistics available online and from clinics will tell you.

I wouldn't have a baby if my and DH were that age. It isn't like you are childless. Sorry.

At 43 you're not too old, although I wish you luck in trying to get pregnant at that age - some women manage it but many more don't. But at 57, yes your DP is too old. I actually know a 68-year-old dad of twins who are now 8 years old. He's great, very active, cycles everywhere, but he's old and I'm sure most people assume that he's the DC's grandad. The DM is early 50s and she looks their grandma.

I'd also have a think about how your older DC will deal with this. Say you do get pregnant and have a DC next year when your DC are 14 and 10. That means the older one will doing GCSEs while a noisy toddler roars around the house spilling juice on stuff and screaming.

I wouldn't do it (I'm a couple of years older than you and my DC are a similar age to yours), but if you do you should seriously consider going on HRT when those peri/menopausal symptoms strike or you'll be on your knees. The thought of having a toddler now is enough to make me want to go and lie down in a darkened room tbh!

There's a high chance your child will be burying one if not both of you before they are 40

By which time the child will be an adult with their own life and the death of a parent the natural cycle of life.

I wouldn't think anything negative but also wouldn't set much store by what people on social media say. Your jobs should give youboth a lot of insights, I'd have thought.

Of course 57 is far too old for goodness sake. It would be hugely selfish of you to bring a child into the world with a father of that age just because you want a baby.

Be happy with your lot. It could be a lot, lot worse.

I know plenty of people having DCs around your age. It's older but just a bit. The question is whether you can. Most people ttc at your age won't succeed.

It would be worth getting yourselves checked out a fertility clinic, even if you don't use IVF. You'll find out if you have an adequate egg reserve. If there's anything limiting about his fertility.

I'd ask what, if you used IVF, they'd be able to screen the embryos for. Any extra chance of a successful and healthy pregnancy and baby would be worth it.

I think you'd have to view yourself as a single parent (with a short-term helper) and expect to go forward into your DC's adulthood as one. Is that something you're happy with?

Your DH's retirement could make things much easier and more fun than they can be for mid-career parents, while he's healthy and active.

But, you could end up as his carer while also parenting a teenager. You do need to consider that there's a vast, difficult, draining area between 'older but active and healthy' and dead.

I had a child at 43 and it has all worked out very well for us. I had no problems conceiving, being pregnant or the baby / toddler years.

I would be thinking about the age of your DH though, for the teen years, and the potential pressure on you / impact on your child.

Sorry but I think you are being irresponsibly.

Of course it's fine!!! Why even question? You're moving towards a point where you won't have the luxury of choice, so just go for it and see what happens! Get on with it! Quick!!

One more thing to think about - if you do have a baby now your DH will basically not get a 'retirement', because he'll be parenting probably until he dies (average age of death of a UK man: 79.2 years). That's 22 years from now. Has he thought about that? My DPs are in their 70s now and I cannot imagine them parenting a teenager. They like their peace and quiet. They like to piss off on holiday during term time when it's cheap and there are no DC. Your DH, having been a teacher his whole career, will be stuck with holidaying in the school holidays for his entire life.