I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

@Miagoga
How old was the father when you had your child?

There's so many practical reasons for not doing this including

• Your support network won't be that big..your parents are to old to help out.

• There's a high chance your child will be burying one if not both of you before they are 40. As an only child, they will resent you for putting them in this position.

Obviously it's a very personal decision, but it's a really selfish one. Your child will not thank you for having elderly parents when they are a teenager.

No judgement.

But for me 57 is too old to become a dad. The sleeplessness is one thing, but he primary school years are very active. Will he be able to run after a cycling five year old in his sixties? Will he be in good health in his seventies for the tough teenage years?

Yes he could live into his nineties (5 percent of the population does). But what about his health.

I know its unfair, but he will be same age at the grandparents at the school gate.

I know he will be retired for most of the child’s life, so he will have time, but i still think he is taking a huge risk that he won’t be around for a big part of the child’s life.

I wouldn't criticize you, but I'm 70 now, I'd find having a 13 year old around all the time very difficult.

Go for it! X

My dad went on to have a second family after he and mum divorced.
His second wife is my age and their two DD’s are now in their early twenties, the same as my DC.
Dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It’s difficult for everyone but especially so for my half sisters.
However, my father was a much better parent to the younger girls and very involved with their lives growing up. Way more than he was with me and and my older siblings.
Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

My DF fathered my DB at 46, was active but undeniably mature when DB was growing up, and died suddenly, but of an age related condition, when DB was 14. It has hit him very hard and impacted his young adult life a lot.
I had my own DC when DP was 46 and 49 respectively, because DP was incredibly fit and youthful. However, do not underestimate the onset of age-related aches and pains and fatigue; now 56, he is definitely an older parent. And both DC know it.

My dad was 57 when he has me and was a stay at home dad. We had a great relationship and yes he was 75 when I was 18 but he also did all the things dads do when I was young.

However, I'm 30 now and due to cancer and other illnesses he isnt around and wont meet his grandchildren then again no promises he would of if he was 30 when i was born.

No judgement here. Good luck to both of you and I wish you joy 💐💐

Age wouldn’t be the factor, but think about how a baby would impact your life, positively and negatively. Your dc are older and Independent. Dh is about to retire.

What do you envisage for your future?

Also no criticism here. But my parents were a similar age to you two and I went through having to care for them and lost them in my 20’s which was really hard at such a young age.

If my parent was 75 (or older) when I was 18 I wouldn't have had the life that I have had. I wouldn't have been able to go to a decent Uni where I wanted, I wouldn't have been able to live hundreds of miles away from my parents and I wouldn't have been able to live overseas as I did. At 50, I cannot now do those things because our parents are elderly. That is OK because I have had a crazy, well lived 20's and 30's. You may think your DC will be able to do this, but they won't because of guilt at leaving elderly parents.

It is actually selfish to have DC at that age - sorry.

Would you want to be 70 years old and still have a child at school ?

Yes I would. You already have existing children and I don’t see the need to add a child just because it’s a new relationship.

Your DH would be 75 or older when your child turns 18.

The existing children need to be thought of too. You have a teen hitting GCSEs soon and will need help and support and how realistic will that be with a baby/toddler disturbing nights and needing a lot of daily care.

Not at all

At 43 you’re a bit on the old side to be considering ttc. But if your DH was the same age and you both desperately wanted a baby, I’d say go for it, but don’t waste any time.

To me your DH is too old, sorry. My parents are early 60s and while a few years ago at 57 they were both pretty healthy, they have had a lot of health niggles over the last few years, nothing very serious, but they would now find looking after a small child full time pretty undesirable. I think you’d find the sleepless nights tough at that age, and running around after a 5 year old at 62/3 or a 15 year old at 72/3 isn’t ideal. Also for the child having a father that’s older than plenty of his friends grandfathers is going to bring its own issues.

At the end of the day you’ll do what you want and I’m sure some people will judge, but if you’re happy with your decision then what does it matter? I would seriously consider all the implications of your DHs age on a future child, bearing mind you’ll be an older mum too. If you still decide to go for it then good luck to you.

I got pregnant at 45. Unfortunately miscarried, but now I am 59 and thinking it was maybe a blessing. My Then DH desperately wanted a baby (he was much younger than me), but upped and left and I would have been left with a four year old child at nearly 50, and now be looking at a teenager, just as I am really feeling the effects of getting older!

But I have to work. I guess if you can afford to retire then things wouldn't be as bad. Go for it, but just bear in mind that it's not just the baby years and you could be staring down the barrel of a stroppy teenager when you just want a nice cup of tea and a sit down.

I wouldn't do it... but then I've had a baby who we lost because of a rare genetic disorder (not passed on from us). I'd worry about that as the risk increases as you get older.

I wouldn’t criticise you , I’d ( personally , and never tell you ) think you’re a bit mad
I know a couple ( who are into their 80 s now ) who had a surprise 4th baby well into their 40 s , their baby is 36 now and expecting her first baby ( their 6th grandchild )
See what happens 👍

There’s a one in twenty chance that he’d develop dementia while his child was a teenager and one in ten that he’d develop it while they were in their early twenties. Lifestyle factors can reduce (or increase) those risks somewhat but not that much. That wouldn’t just take away their father: it would probably also commit you to increasingly full time caring duties - you’d no longer be there for uni visits, flat hunting, wedding dress shopping, babysitting, all the inessential but meaningful help in your young adult child’s life would be superseded by your DH’s needs .

@Reallycantbefuckedtothink

Yeah there were a couple of other threads on here about this last night. Watch out for a feature about older parents in the daily mail soon

I don't believe your dh really wants children, as most people who do would have made choices in life to make that happen before his age. So I thinkbthe first thing you'd have to be prepared to do is most of the parenting as realistically your dh will be an old man long before the child is an adult.

I also think you havd to think long and hard about the impact having a disabled child will have on your lives (eg ASD is linked to paternal age). I mean really think about it, imagine what it will be like and whether you still would make the decision to have a child if they were disabled. As this is a real possibility at your ages.

Personally I think it is a selfish thing to do but it's your decision. Just make sure you think it through - that you'll be doing the majority of parenting if a disabled child when you too are in your late 50s.

My mum was 40 and my dad 48 when they had me, I had a wonderful childhood with them and loved them dearly, they gave me a stable upbringing with lots of attention and care.

However , they had both died by the time l was 24 and I had to grow up pretty fast- also my relationship with my brother is distant due to a 13 year age gap.

So there are challenges with older parents sorry, and it looks like I will be an older parent myself!

Gosh, there's a lot of judgement on here.
We are adopters and while the gap between me and DH is very slightly smaller, he will still retire while our DC are in primary school and I'll retire while they are in secondary.
I'm looking forward to him doing all the pickups.
A family member's parents were 60 and 40 when he was born. Both met all three of his own children and his mum died first, life is just unpredictable.

**Both too old. And yes I would judge, and so will lots of others.

Sorry, you did ask.**

^I agree.