I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

"I don’t know anyone in their 70’s like this. My dad is still working part time, my mum works at the CAB 3 days a week. They travel all over the world, go to theatre and lovely restaurants weekly, look after grandchildren, Go on walking holidays, have lots of parties/dinners and barbecues with their friends. The idea that they need someone to pay their bills and take them to the dentist is insane."

You're lucky your parents both have each other and are fit and healthy, mentally and physically to do all those things. Not everyone at that age is like that.

@Everythingnotsaved you know one person who died age 39. It’s tragic, and rare.

How many people do you know who died in their sixties and seventies? This man would have a toddler, young child or teenager when reached these ages.

DH and I have four living parents in their seventies. Three are active, independent, still driving despite having had some serious health problems and don’t need any help from us apart from setting up their wi-fi and advising on suitable apps and contracts for their iPhones. One cannot be left alone for more than five minutes at a time day and night, and cannot eat, drink, wash or go to the toilet without hands on assistance. The odds are better than 50/50 that you’ll be alive and reasonably well into your late seventies, but they’re not good enough for me personally to bet on.

In our school playground this age is not unheard of in the slightest. They all seem to cope well. At 40 bar a few I feel like one of the young mums. My next door neighbour is 67 and a stay at home dad to dd2's 6 year old best friend. Mum is late 40's and works full time extremely long hours. They don't regret their dd for a second. The dad has 2 dc in their 20's who are fab siblings too

I also wouldn't compare how now grown up adults felt as children/teens having older parents. It was far less common then and they'd have been the odd one out having a 60 year old parent in the 80's or early 90's. Nowadays there are all sorts of family set ups .. older parents, 2 dads, single, blended families etc. There is no 'norm' anymore and dc are far less likely to be embarrassed or feel different.

*Her and her dh tried for a child when she was 30 by 31 she had stopped as she felt too old

Friend and her dh we haven’t seen in years.
Once they hit 40 they started to age rapidly.

They wouldn’t even go out after 7pm as they were too tired and at their ages they felt it wasn’t appropriate*

Ok so this is extreme. Just because People wouldn’t want to be old parents because what They have seen through work or life experience, doesn’t mean They’ll turn into this!

I fully intend to enjoy my later years. I’m planning holidays, hobbies and looking after the grand kids for as long as I possibly can. But I know that’s it’s a reality that my healthy years may be numbered, so I wouldn’t want to have a child/ young adult relying on me.

Others are welcome to make different choices. People are welcome to disagree with mine. I wouldn’t be offended. It would be a dull world if we were all the same.

Sorry I haven't RTFT

But my parents were older parents and it upsets me now that I'm a young adult that they are getting elderly. I feel like I don't have enough time left with them.

As a child I was teased that my mum "looked like my grandma" and felt ashamed and embarrassed but looking back I think fuck those kids my mum is the best

Honestly op I would definitely judge your choice.
Your husband is to old!

I loved my parents but was a carer aged 13. Don't do it it it isn't fair. They stole my life

@happycamper11 do you not think about the high risk the little sox year old girl will lose her daddy before she hits adulthood though?

That’s what we are talking about here. Of course they don’t regret having their little Girl, but if she was planned I am sure a man in his sixties must have at least paused and considered how many years he could offer a new child?

My parents were his age when they became grandparents. They are in their seventies now, in great health but find the kids tiring after a full day. They talk (not in front of the kids) about whether they will be around when the kids go to uni or get married. I really will.

Six year old, not sox

And should have ended I really hope they will

@Bluedogyellowcat just because all the 70somethings you know are in good health doesn't mean everyone is so fortunate. It might be "insane" to you that someone that age needs help with bill paying or dental visits but it's the reality for many. What a crass comment to make.

I don’t know anyone in their 70’s like this. My dad is still working part time, my mum works at the CAB 3 days a week. They travel all over the world, go to theatre

Oh come on. Plenty of people have health issues in their 70s. Ok you know a fit, active couple but that isn’t “the norm”. I don’t know anyone who is age 70 and doesnt have some kind of medical issue that affects their day to day life. Plus most people have retired by 70.

Also not to be rude but at age 70 your “healthy” parents could easily be struck down with a major health issue. I sincerely hope they arent and they remain fit but it’s incredibly naive not to expect this to happen at some point or another.

Nope. No judging you at all

I don’t know anyone in their 70’s like this. My dad is still working part time, my mum works at the CAB 3 days a week. They travel all over the world, go to theatre and lovely restaurants weekly, look after grandchildren, Go on walking holidays, have lots of parties/dinners and barbecues with their friends. The idea that they need someone to pay their bills and take them to the dentist is insane

That's lovely. Sounds like my idea of "retirement". Would they be happy to be dealing with CAMHS trying to get treatment for a 14 year old who is self-harming and is their whole responsibility? would they be happy to only have holidays (and forget the walking holidays - the teenager doesn't want that) in term time. Would they be ok with cancelling the trip to the theatre because their dd has just had her heart broken from her first boyfriend and needs to vent.

My fil was dead at 70 (his parents lived into their late 80s). My mum and dad were having a great time in their 70s - they weren't rearing children though.

A lot of people who look fit and healthy won’t be.
My husband at 59 reasonably fit and active, working full time with no previous health complaints went to the doctors for what we thought at the time was a minor pain. Within the week he was diagnosed with advanced secondary cancer and died before he reached 60. He is not the only person in my life who has had cancer in the 50s and none of them actually looked sick until the very later stages or until major treatment.

If your husbands retiring he’ll be in charge of most of the day to day actual child rearing so let him
Personally I think age is just a number and if it’s what you BOTH really want do it
Age brings wisdom and it’s actually no ones business but your own
There are plenty of healthy happy older parents out there , not struggling financially

I think most of the people who have children after 40 are a lot younger than those that had children in their 20s

In my area 40+ is definitely the norm.

Friend was second youngest in the NCT class at 32.

Friend then moved a couple of years later to a different area before her 2nd dc was born.

She was considered almost a granny. Lots of mums who were in their teens and early 20s

From what I have seen there are those who have their children quite young who are very vocal that they couldn’t go through a pregnancy in their late 30s and anyone getting pregnant is considered quite mad.

They seem to think that because they will be dead or very ill by the time they are 55 then everyone else will be the same

I feel really young compared to these younger parents.

I don’t know anyone in their 70’s like this. My dad is still working part time, my mum works at the CAB 3 days a week. They travel all over the world, go to theatre and lovely restaurants weekly, look after grandchildren, Go on walking holidays, have lots of parties/dinners and barbecues with their friends. The idea that they need someone to pay their bills and take them to the dentist is insane.
That’s brilliant that your parents have such great quality of life in their 70s. I hope I do too. However the fact remains my mum does need these things. Sorry she’s too insane for you.

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation Oliversmumsarmy and I detect a hint of snobbery too, as an area with many 40+ first time parents is clearly an affluent high earning one. Just because you "feel really young" doesnt mean you are. There are advantages and disadvantages of all parenting ages, but I do sense a bit of denial when I hear stuff like this. A 45 year old might sail through pregnancy and birth but struggle with her child's eating disorder/ crash out of college/ mental health problems /general angst when she's 65.

I think most of the people who have children after 40 are a lot younger than those that had children in their 20s
There's a lot of truth in this I think.
If you have your children in your 20s not only are they likely to drain some of your energy but you are also less likely to get your education and career going before you have them. This is going to put you at risk of ill health.
If you get yourself established first - housing, education, career - you're better able to keep yourself young.

I would be genuinely delighted for you both if it worked out.

It's very hard to lose your parents when you're young.