I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

I'm sorry but I think you are both too old.
Two reasons:

1. Increased risk of miscarriage, complications in pregnancy and labour, and health problems or disabilities for the child of a mother in her 40s and a father in his 50s.
2. I don't think anyone would choose to have much older parents, as they are likely to have less energy, more health problems and die sooner, so the child would have less time - and less quality time - with them.

Would you consider adopting an older child? This would solve problem 1 and would mitigate problem 2 if they are older (personally I would want no more than 50 years max between the child's age and your DH's age, and even then it's not ideal).

@Marleyj8

@SandyY2K thats sad for him to feel embarrassed

It is sad, but tbh I would feel embarrassed with a 70 year old dad when I was in primary school.

Most people think it's his grandad...I honestly feel sorry for him. English isn't his DMs first language...so he asked DM if I could come on an educational appointment with her, instead of his dad.

I know an another boy who won't sit with his old dad in church...he'll sit a few rows in front or behind.

I would think of the child and their future...not just the fact that you want a child here and now.

All those saying you've got more energy now you're older...you feel great and all that jazz... FACT IS you are old. Thats biology and the life...
regardless of how you feel...and how many marathons you can run.

SandyY2K I have read the whole thread andI haven't seen one post where someone has said they have more energy as an older person. Most people have been very cautionary about the liklihood of health problems arising.
I do think it is sad that a child refuses to sit with his Dad in church though, just because he is old. Teenagers are often embarrassed by their parents for all sorts of reasons.

"My dad was 35 when he had me. Not old by a long shot but ill health when he turned 60 meant that I was a 25 year old just starting out in life and I had some caring duties. I always felt growing up I had an 'old' dad, he just was knackered. He died when I was 32 and I still very much needed him, he didn't meet his granddaughter and he wasn't involved in his grandsons life because he was so.... elderly."

I get that this was your own experience but 35 is a pretty average age to have a child and doesn't make you 'elderly' as standard.

No I would not criticise. However if you were to then abort just because it turns out downs or whatever then I would be unimpressed

I would look at it from the point of your future child. You are not too old at all but i think your husband is. He would be approaching 60 if you conceived over the next couple of years. Your child's friends would all presume he was the grandfather. You mention how there are other people living to old age in your family but that doesn't really mean your husband will. Your child may have to go through losing a parent at a young age.
You have other children who are growing up and will have children of their own and you will be able to enjoy your grandchildren.

I would have had another kid at 42, now just a few years down the line, I’m glad I didn’t. I do not longer have the patience or energy to deal with sleepless nights, kicking balls around, dealing with tantrums, etc. at the time I don’t even know what nasty things my body would do next. I’m just trying to enjoy the days before DS goes to university as much as possible and looking forward to some rest!

I love he ways some people on this thread highlight a fairly unusual circumstances of a younger parent dying, or a person living to ninety as if it is common.

They statistics overwhelmed tell you that, on average, a man who becomes a father at 30 will have longer time with his child than a man who becomes a father at 60. There is a high probability that a man who becomes a dad at 60 will not see that child’s 21st birthday.

Why do people on these threads not understand that? Of course there are exceptions, but please have some common sense.

My DF was 57 when his younger grandchild was born, 44 for his elder grandchild. He is healthy and active, but would be too old to be a parent of a newborn.

You have children already, your DH is like a parent to his sister's children. I would be thinking that the time to have another of your own children has passed and it's time to wait for grandchildren now.

I would not criticize. There are many things worse than older parents (neglectful parents, fathers who abandon, narcissistic parents...). However, I hope you have a plan in place for dealing with a teenager, because at ‘just’ 48 I am finding that rather hard.

I have not read the full thread as it is a long one.

I just wanted to say I had a baby at 43 - natural conception, and he is fit and healthy (now 7).

I would say, give it a go and if it happens then it was meant to be. I would not have considered IVF at that age.

Best of luck.

@Itwasntme1 It's wilful ignorance I think. They're hearing what the children of older parents are saying and sticking their fingers in their ears, because to acknowledge the very real risks makes them uncomfortable. I can understand that, but we're entitled to give our view based on our own experience.

My husband is 60 and we have a 9 year old and a 13 year old- I am 47 - would I have chosen to have kids with someone older? In an ideal world, probably not. Is he a good, devoted Dad to the kids? Yes. Is 57 too old to be a Dad- who knows- Mick Jagger et al have been doing it in their 70’s and no one seems to comment about that!! Also, I know someone whose husband died at 39 with 2 young kids so you never know what is going to happen do you?

yes it's too old and it's not fair on the child or your existing children.

I don't think I'd judge, but I'm entitled to my opinion.

The irony of posters encouraging people in their 50's to have babies because "life is too short"

People who choose to old parents like to believe they will have long and healthy lives. They keep themselves in good shape, why shouldn’t they still be very active in their 60s or even 70s.

Understandably they don’t want to think about the very real possibility of that not happening. Most people aren’t really exposed (unless it’s happened with in your family, work work in a medical setting) that you can literally be struck down and become ‘old’ almost over night. Of course this can happen at any age, but it is much more likely in your 60s than it is in your 30s or 40s.

I’ve seen it happen too many times through work, which is why being an older parent will never be something I’ll contemplate. Some people remain fit and active, but too many don’t. It’s too much of a gamble for me.

That should be choose to be older parents.

Lot's of posters on the surrogate thread saying think of your kids and the effect on them if their mother dies.
No different in this case. Chances of one or both parents dying in their 50's/60's is quite high.

I wouldn’t judge you at 43.

However I am in despair at how many younger women and older men combinations are around - men feel happy to get a younger woman, but honestly that age gap causes problems for women still wanting kids.

Why would you choose someone of age 57 when you wanted kids?

Catapillarsruletheworld

This reminded me of a friend who worked as a geriatric nurse.

She didn’t want to live beyond 60 as she saw all these 60+ year olds in hospital ill and dying and to her everyone who got to 60 was ill and dying

Her and her dh tried for a child when she was 30 by 31 she had stopped as she felt too old

The fact that the 60/70/80 and 90 year olds we knew were having a great time going on cruises, traveling the world, eating out and going to Bridge evenings and socialising blew their mind.

If your parents lived long and healthy lives and and you are in reasonable shape and keep fit and eat well then why shouldn’t you expect to reach your 80s or 90s or even 100+

Friend and her dh we haven’t seen in years.
Once they hit 40 they started to age rapidly.

They wouldn’t even go out after 7pm as they were too tired and at their ages they felt it wasn’t appropriate

My mum died suddenly of acute myeloid leukaemia when she was 67. 67 is the average age to get it. She was extremely fit and healthy until that point.
I can't imagine how devastating it would have been to lose a parent aged 10, it was hard enough at 37.

@Oysterbabe We visited my grandparents grave with my DM. It's clear it impacted on her horribly losing both her parents at 10, and she was also abused by her uncle, her guardian not long afterwards. My DD1 is 10, I would hate to think of her going through that.

It also helps me to not hold it against her that she didn't know that DSis and I were being abused ourselves.

But in life, nothing is certain, and bad things can happen to any of us. The important thing is that we do the best we can whatever circumstances we face. So I would never judge someone else about their decision to have a child, but they do need to think through carefully whether it's the right decision for themselves and the children they will have.

My mums in her early 70s and doesn’t need physical care but she still needs someone to phone everyday and take her to the shops, gp, dentist, opticians, help her with her bills etc.

I don’t know anyone in their 70’s like this. My dad is still working part time, my mum works at the CAB 3 days a week. They travel all over the world, go to theatre and lovely restaurants weekly, look after grandchildren, Go on walking holidays, have lots of parties/dinners and barbecues with their friends. The idea that they need someone to pay their bills and take them to the dentist is insane. My 95 year old grandmother needs this, but they are pretty much the same as they were in their 40’s and 50’s

sorry but the risks of autism rises with elderly fathers along with schizophrenia. i would think you two are playing russian roulette.

Far too many negative variables. The risk of ASD, Down syndrome is incredibly high for older parents. Could you look after your current children, plus a child with additional needs and your husband if it came to it? Your DH could become ill, physically, mentally as he ages. The kid will have a father in their 70s as a teen. How is that fair? I lost my mother at 25 and it killed me. I couldn’t imagine a teen going through it.

Those of you with the ‘fuck what anyone else wants because it’s what I want mentality’ Really? Grow the fuck up or please sort out your sense of entitlement. You’re having a kid at pensioner age because YOU want to. There’s no thought or consideration to the child other than you wanting to bring it into the world. Loving a child and giving it a family home simply isn’t enough.