I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

I think it’s too old however, if you want to, go for it.

I think if he’s fit and well and has shown he’s a good parent to SC and his nephews you need to think carefully, wanting his own child is understandable
But you both need to want it and I’m not sure you do?

From my point of view, I'm not judging at all. I'm speaking from the point of view of someone who has experience of both older parents (well, older F, my DM wasn't) and also of being an older mum now. It's hard work, quite apart from the other issues. I don't regret it and our DDs are our world. They're also doing well, considering everything that's going on, with my MH issues and DD1's SN.

My MIL also needs a lot of support, though thankfully my BIL and SIL have 5 DC who are approaching adulthood and they do support her a lot (they also live much nearer).

The OP and her DH need to weigh this up very carefully, especially her DH, hence why I'm saying it as it is. Obviously it's their decision to make.

Tiredtrumpet, indeed, I've been there. Obviously my F's I'll health was not the worst thing by any stretch, but it guilt tripped me into thinking I had to help look after him because I felt guilty that he made my skin crawl. I was desperate for him to die and was totally screwed up by that afterwards, which bizarrely led to me grieving for a man who had destroyed my life. It was only when my DSis and I had our DC that the wool came off our eyes.

I think that if my F hadn't had Parkinson's Disease, we wouldn't have repressed our memories and we would have exposed what had happened to us. Children have a tendency to see everything as their responsibility.

57 is way way way too old to become the parent of a newborn. I am around that age and I have raised children. Some of the hardest years were not when the children were little, but their late teens. In fact, many many young people find the ages around 18 and 19 to be profoundly destabilizing as they leave home and seek their own lives. My kids needed more attention, not less, around those years--one of them was depressed and one was very, very difficult. They are now wonderful adults, but that was some of the hardest, deepest parenting I ever did. I don't know if I would have the energy to do it now, never mind 15 years from now.

Op I just remembered a friend of mine has a DF of 87 and DM of 80. My friend is 40. Often she is nasty about her elderly parents and how selfish it was having her late because she has nothing in common with them and they were too old to give her a sibling. It’s always seemed very childish and selfish to me. Her Mum and Das have been amazingly supportive. They help with childcare for her children and have given her a lot of financial support. Despite having had a some health problems, she’s never had to care for them.

True the relationship is different and maybe not as close but they always seem loving parents. Yes they couldn’t give her a sibling but I’m very different from my sister so we’re not close and I feel a bit like an only child. She just seems very ungrateful for them and that’s really sad as they gave her life and have been so good to her.

I would also add some people are very young for their years. My DF is 71 and is more like someone in his 50s. If he was Dad to a teenager, he’d be very cool and fun.

It’s easy to tell you about other people’s situations. Only you know it will work for you as a couple. I think if you can both provide long term support and love the child it’s a lovely thing to do. Xx

Someone I worked with, his wife got a massive shock after going to the doctor's thinking she was menopausal at 49, she was actually 3 months pregnant. Their kids were both at university, after a lot of sleepless nights they decided to carry on with the pregnancy, the wife sailed through the pregnancy, had a very easy birth & was out of hospital the same day with their new daughter. They both found having a child much easier when they were financially secure, the wife had been waiting to find out if she was to be made redundant & after discovering that voluntary redundancy was available chose to apply, her husband who was 55 chose to take early retirement as he had over 35 years service & got a very good package. They both have said that while having a child later on wasn't something they would have thought of they have no regrets, they have more time & patience now, they share care between them so that neither have had to give up interests, the husband felt he missed a lot of his older children's growing years & went to toddler groups & nursery with his little daughter. She is nearly 10 now & spoilt rotten by her parents & siblings.

And can the single parent afford University fees? Can the low paid? what a ridiculous argument. Have you not heard of student loans?

@Nat6999 Yes it can be positive. Our experience with our DDs have been mostly positive. But that's what they need to way up. I'm not convinced that the OP is sure she wants to do it; she's already had DC. She shouldn't allow herself to be pressurised into it.

Also, your friend's experience was positive, but it doesn't always work out that way. My DD1 goes to a childminder twice a week, who had a DS late in life who has Downes. He's a well loved boy, and he used to be in her class. She and his dad really love him. But it's not something that most of us would actively choose to risk happening.

I meant 'weigh up', embarrassing mistake there!!

Lizzie0869 Don't you think that this couple would most likely have all the tests done should they decide to go ahead with another pregnancy? Not only that but some couples don't consider a child who has Down's syndrome or ASD as a problem, nowadays more Downs babies are born to younger mothers than 40+ mothers.

I said I realised that it isn't a problem for some people; it isn't a problem for my DD1's childminder at all, and he's a lovely boy. It's just something that needs to be weighed up. And obviously tests are available, and terminations, but not everyone can cope with doing that. It's something to weigh up when making their decision.

As I said, I'm not convinced the OP is sure about this. I was sure, and I didn't need to consider whether it was a good idea to adopt my DDs.

I think your husband is too old, but ultimately I'm not you and it's nobody else's business.

I had a friend at school who's father was in his late 50's when she was born. By the time we were about 14, he was in a care home with dementia and he died the week she started her A-level exams.

I lost my own Dad when I was in my twenties, he never got to meet his grandchildren. It's shit losing a parent young.

@ReginaGeorgeous

I'm really sorry about your dad, that must have really been difficult for you. But that really isn't a reason not to have a child later in your life. You obviously had a close relationship with your dad and that's what you need to hold onto. I hope that's how my DDs will see it if either DH or I die before we see our DGC.

But there really are far worse things. I lost my F at 28, no loss in my case as he was abusive. It never occurred to me that it was too young to lose a parent. It certainly didn't used to be that old to lose a parent. But my views have come as a result of the fact that my DM's parents died when she was only 10. My DGM died at 49 from a heart attack and my DGF was 72 when my DM was born.

My paternal DGF was shot by the Gestapo during the Second World War (my F was Czech) and my DGM died when I was 3. That's the loss I'm saddest about.

I never had any DGP after my DGM died and my F was an abuser. So I only had my DM and she didn't spot that my siblings and I were being abused. My relationship with her is much better as an adult, but I can see her limitations, both from being orphaned at 10 and being abused by the uncle who became her guardian.

It isn't a reason not to have a child in your 40s or 50s because your children might lose a parent in their twenties. The possibility that they might have to be your career is a reason, however.

I don't want to sound harsh, and I'm sorry if I do, but you need to count your blessings. I'm sorry for your loss though.

I meant 'caret' not 'career'.

No 'carer', damned predictive text.

No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it myself, but I wouldn't criticise anyone else for doing it.

I don't think 43 is too old at all. Plenty of women have babies at that age. Your DH...yes, he will be an older dad, but if your DC leaves home at 20 he will still be in his seventies, which is not usually elderly ime. It wouldn't be for DH or me I don't think, but I wouldn't think too much of it if someone else did it. A couple of dads in our NCT group were almost 50 when they had their first dc.

I suppose it's a bit of a gamble, but there there is always some risk of a child being left without a dad or as his parent's carer. It's whether you feel the positives outweigh the potential negatives.

Also, my mum died when I was 30 and only got to meet one of her gcs. Yes, it's sad, but it also never occurred to me to think there was anything hugely abnormal about it. She was only in her fifties as well and outlived one of her own parents, which was very sad. Nobody expected it. She wasn't an unhealthy child, young adult and didn't seem to be an unhealthy middle aged woman, but obviously she had something underlying which nobody knew about.

Have you thought about adoption? No age limits now a days. I was 49 and DH 54 when our two came to us aged 3.5 years and 20 months. So missed the baby years but perhaps that was a good thing. Never looked back, has been the best thing we ever did. Now 64 and 69 with two teens, no probs.

I wouldn't have not adopted my DDs, but in the OP's situation, if I'd already had DC, there's no way I would want to go through it all a second time, not ever. It's a completely different situation, so I do think she needs to be sure that it's what she herself wants.

@Doubletrouble99 Adoption is certainly a good suggestion for the OP, but it does take a lot of time to go through the assessment and be approved to adopt. And a lot of adopted children have a lot of needs, as DH and I are experiencing. They would be just starting out. And the OP would have to be very sure that it's what she wants, as social workers would ask all these questions and would figure it out if she wasn't sure.

It's the reason why I suggested fostering, if she really wanted to look after children. Because she wouldn't be committing herself to bringing her up to adulthood.

I meant bringing up a child to adulthood, whether a boy or a girl, sorry!

I wouldn't be in the slightest bit worried whether other people would "judge". Who are they to judge anyway and why does it matter what they think? I would think very,very carefully about this though. The baby years might actually be quite straightforward if your husband is energetic and takes early retirement, no child care worries, two of you available for broken nights etc. It would be the teenage years and early adulthood I would worry about.
You may be fortunate and have excellent health into your 80s but the chances of health problems increase with age. To those saying that people don't look after their parents these days, it may be rarer for people to do actual nursing care but read the elderly parents sectio to get an idea of the emotional and practical stress that can be involved.
I started to have grandchilden at arou d your husbands present age, I could have managed to look after them full time if I had to. Ten years on I have to admit I would find it very, very difficult. I am slowly becoming a carer for my husband and I get tired more easily.
On the other hand some people who have had older parents have an unrealistic idea of how things would have been with young parents. Not all people in their 30s are running marathons etc.
To those saying the children will be embarrassed just by your appearance etc and you need a good haircut etc to avoid frumpiness- well that's a bit silly and shallow. Your teenagers will find you embarrassing whatever your age.
To those questioning if you will be able to afford to help with university costs, aren't many people better off financially when they are older (hence the current resentment towards boomers).
There are swings and rounabouts, perhaps more time and patience , more maturity and stability but less energy.
I don't think it is necessary to look trendy but it would be important to keep abreast of current trends and technology.
It is your decision but weigh it all up carefully.
I don't think you are too old and you have a fair chance of conceiving naturally if you are quick but I do think your husband may be getting too old.

I’m in two minds. In an ideal world we would all have children at 30, whilst being established in our careers, owning our property, in excellent health, pensions sorted, two sets of parents in their 50s ready and willing to provide childcare. In reality life isn’t like that.

I can see both the benefits and the pitfalls of older parents. You being 43 is no reason not to give it a go. I was 40 when I had my DD - very easy pregnancy, fast and easy delivery. I don’t think I found it any harder than younger mothers I knew. Your husband being 57 I’m less sure of .....

What I would ask is have your talked to your DSs about how they would feel? It will affect them too so, although it is obviously your choice, I think it’s important that you know their views.

Finally re IVF, I wouldn’t go there. The chance of being successful at your age is rapidly diminishing (3-4% I think) and the physical and mental strain on a relationship can be horrendous. By all means try to conceive naturally if that’s what you want, but I really don’t think IVF would be the way to go.

Oh, and I know someone who had a 14 year old child when he was diagnosed with dementia at 56. Sometimes life just sucks,