I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

This is daft. 57 really isn't that old and tbh the logical conclusion of some of the answers here is that you should be paying into a funeral care plan and may as well just write yourselves off right now.

In the politest possible way ... fuck that. Life is life. Live it. You can make decisions based on when you might die (apart from to GET ON WITH THINGS NOW!).

I meant crucially that you can't make decisions based on when you might die!!

I think it sounds like you have a pretty nice life now after some hard times.

I think you should reflect on that and how the strain of having a young child would affect your current good relationships with your DH and the older children.

Soon you’ll be free to travel and have fun yourselves, enjoy your existing children and possible DGC. That won’t be possible with another child, probably for most of your remaining lives.

It’s a nice idea, but I’d keep it eggs way and make the most of the life you have

@Oldoryoung DH's Dad was 57 when he was born, and they had another child five years after. MIL was 21 when DH was born. Everyone assumed that his Dad was his grandad and DH says he definitely didn't have the patience to play with him and his siblings, and his health declined after a stroke aged 66. He died aged 76 and DH is sad he didn't really know his Dad as an adult, and it had a terrible effect on his brother.

I know it's one example but DH was adamant that he wanted children before turning 40 because he didn't want to be too old like his Dad.

‘57 really isn't that old‘

It is extremely old to have a child and be able to meet that child’s needs until adulthood. I’m sorry but it just is the height of selfishness to have a child at that age and nothing could convince me otherwise.

You also get parents like mine- 75. Dad still chooses to work part to me, completely independent. Mum is also independent. I’m aware it could change any time but life is life. You can have kids young and they bugger off to Australia! Live your life

And when it comes to bringing a child into this world then yes I think having consideration of the statistics re life expectancy and healthy life expectancy is sensible. No/one is saying that being in your 50s would stop you doing many other things but a child is different. I bet if you started a thread asking when there a 57 year old should take out a 20 year mortgage most people would say no.

I wouldn't judge you; this isn't going to be your first baby and you are not too old to have more children. However, I think your child/children may judge you - DH in particular. I knew someone who deeply resented their parents being "older". They always knew they'd have less time with them (compared to their peer group's experiences) and, sure enough, at least one parent is long since deceased. OTOH, I'm sure having older siblings will soften the emotional blow - it's not like they'll be left without any close relatives. Life is short and you could be hit by a bus tomorrow. If it'll make you happy and you have the love, money, and time for another child, go for it. :)

Not at all! I'm almost 40 and DH will be 42 this year and we're currently TTC (we had a loss last year) we know it's not going to be easy but it's what we want.

If it's what you both want then I say go for it.

Would they advise single women not to have a baby?

Yes I would, and have. On the internet and in real life.

Most people do not sacrifice their lives and spend decades caring for their parents themselves these days

Yes, because they have already set up their lives and have families, careers, mortgages to pay, etc. Much harder to say no, and then try to go through the practicalities of setting up nursing home care, if you're 18 and living at home.

What a load of tosh.

How is it tosh? It's the real life experience of many people who had older parents. The father will be at least 70 when the child is 12, it is naive in the extreme to think this won't affect the child.

I think it's fine. People have children every day in situations that aren't 'ideal'. People who don't have a lot of money, single parents, people who have already have children with very complex health needs, etc. I imagine your child will a) be very loved, b) be in a secure home with organised finances and access to good opportunities and c) enjoy a lot of time with a father who is present and engaged in their lives, unlike so many seem to be on MN.

My family tend to live to their late 90s. My husband's parents were both dead before the age of 50. You can be a pretty young 70 with no particular health problems and good activity levels, and you can be old in your 50s.

To people who bemoan that their parents were XYZ, you do realise that the alternative is that you just do not exist? Is it better not to exist than to possibly face some hardship or embarrassment (that you might not even face anyway) in your life? I think, with the exception of people who suffer from depression or similar mental health conditions, most people would rather exist than not.

No, no one should be considering have a child at your dh age for a lot of reasons, but mostly for the childs sake. I remember the few children at school who had older parents and it was embarrassing for them. People would think it was their grandparents collecting them, one boy lost him mother at around 14, which was extrely difficult for him. One girl lost her dad when she was 4 and I know another girls who spent 2 years looking after 2 young children and caring for her dad who was in his late 70's. I would never even consider it.

Not another "girls" , just another girl.

most people would rather exist than not.

Ridiculous. You wouldn't have a preference if you had never been born

I meant crucially that you can't make decisions based on when you might die!!

Of course you can. People do it every day.

And when those decisions have a fundamental impact on your own child’s life then you have an absolute duty to make your decision with that in mind when the decision is whether to conceive them in the first place if (potential) parent is already 57 years old. More people die in their 60s than in their 20s. Even more in their 70s. That’s fact. It’s not bloody rocket science, and people need to stop being so cavalier about their wants vs the needs of their potential children.

I understand that soul-crushing pain of wanting a child. I’ve been there. But at some point you have to accept that what you want is not in the best interest of the child that would result, no matter how much you would love it once it’s born. And if you’re coming up on 60 then, I’m sorry, that point is quite far behind you.

I have been to funerals of people around age 60 who have died of age-related illnesses and left behind kids who were in their late teens and early twenties. Those kids were ill-equipped to deal with the grief of losing a parent at such a key time in their lives, and certainly ill-equipped to deal with the decline that led up to death. Imagine being that age when the child is born and therefore in your 70s when they’re late teens. Utterly irresponsible and selfish.

I wouldn't. But that's because I am good friends with a woman who was left caring for her parents when she was aged 23-27. They had had her in their mid to late 40s, both got sick in their late 60s (both had different forms of cancer). She had 3 older siblings, numerous aunts and uncles and cousins, all who had minimal involvement as they were off with their own families but as the youngest living at home she was her parents carer until they passed away within a year of each other. It was horrendous to watch and left her a very bitter, angry person (understandably). Her life was put on hold at an age when she should have been figuring things out for herself and has never fully recovered (education, career, relationships). I wouldn't judge you. I would feel a bit sorry for the child though.

Two of my friends had very late third children. One friend had one and the other two. All of the children are severely autistic, very challenging and will need lifelong supported care.
They have both said if they had known they would not have done it as they feel their previously relaxed lives have been turned on their heads.
Your child may be absolutely fine but you have to think of all the possibilities and decide if you could cope with that kind of scenario,

I’m sorry but I think this ship has sailed but you sound like you would be wonderful foster parents, have you ever thought about something like that?

How do you propose to get the child through university

"But wouldn't you be sad if you DIDNT EXIST?!" is a completely nonsensical argument. No, I wouldn't "prefer existing", because if I had never existed, there wouldn't have been a me to have any preferences. People aren't doing their DC a favour by giving them the chance to exist, and it's bizarrely muddleheaded to think they are.

Also a good point re how many banks would write you a 20yr mortgage at age 58. (Not many.)

Entirely up to you . My father’s parents were 43 and 58 when he was born . Grandfather died when my dad was only 12 . I do think he missed out on having a father as he was growing up .

My dad was 35 when he had me. Not old by a long shot but ill health when he turned 60 meant that I was a 25 year old just starting out in life and I had some caring duties.
I always felt growing up I had an 'old' dad, he just was knackered.

He died when I was 32 and I still very much needed him, he didn't meet his granddaughter and he wasn't involved in his grandsons life because he was so.... elderly.

On the other hand my mum is 66 and looks after my toddler for a day, although that's enough for her.

I honestly think your husband is too old. He has no guarantee of good health and it's just cruel to put a kid through having a 70 off year old dad when they are a teenager.

Sorry.

When I started on the school run there was a lady dropping off her son (who i mistook for her grand child). She was late 40s.

Goodness, you are very focussed on appearences.

my only caveat would be whole heartedly committing to staying youthful, actively keeping the years at bay, and promoting good health. Good diet, exercise, good haircuts and skincare regime, no smoking and minimal sun exposure.

What kind of pressure is that? This mother is much older than the rest of you, why would you expect her to look the same age? Diet and exercise are necessary up to a point but "staying youthful" "actively keeping the years at bay" and "haircuts and skincare" maybe she has other things to spend her time on that matter to her more? Like doing her tiring and demanding job well, while caring for her family?

I'm early 30s and feel old, with an 11year old! I dont think being frumpy is fair on my kids

Be who you are. Feeling "frumpy" and "old" is your problem to deal with, it's odd to put it onto your kids. If you feel old in your early 30s then you have a problem and it's not your age.

Why are people saying the child will end up as a carer? Most people unless they live close and want to do it do not care themselves for their parents, not full-time as a job anyway.

Yes, because most of us are well into adulthood by the time we need to think about caring for our parents. It's a lot different when you're still in your teens/very early adulthood. Possibly still living at home as well.