I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

Should of said my niece is very close to her brother who is 21 years older and he will be there for her when she is older, and his mother knows this. So niece won't be left alone as a young adult of parents die. Also I am very close to her.

My parents were in 40s when had me, it is a selfish and cruel thing to do from my experience. However if you want to throw thousands away on IVF that is up to you. Thankfully NHS wouldn't fund such a ridiculous self-indulgence.

He was 49 which makes him 8 yrs younger than the ops partner when we had our second?

Sorry about the arithmetic, even 8 years is quite a difference though.

But I agree with you about embarrassment, most parents are embarrassing for one reason or other, it goes with the job.

I wouldn't care what anyone else thought.

I think it is important to consider what the child will think about likely becoming a carer in their teens/young adulthood. They're unlikely to live the carefree life, go travelling, etc, in their early 20s because they'll be afraid to leave their elderly parent(s). There's a significant chance they'll lose a parent before they even turn 18.

Some have commented about the child potentially losing the parent but that could happen to anyone at any age.

This is Pollyanna stuff. The statistics don't lie. Chances of death and serious illness increase with age.

You also have to think about the children you’ve already got and the possible caring burdens it would place on them if you were to have a child with complex additional needs. You’d be too old or dead to care for that child when he/she is an adult unable to live independently. And the chances of that happening are far greater for children born to older parents than to younger ones.

I probably would silently judge you.

I personally wouldn't dream of it at that age. FFS, you're near to menopause age - not exactly in your fertile years. The risks of all sorts of conditions increase dramatically at your age.

Do you know what, I’d probably have been judgemental years ago, but the vagaries of life have taught me that it just doesn’t matter.

You could be young and fresh and the children still lose a parent (as my poor cousins children did).

You could be rich and suddenly become poor or the other way around.

You could have a DC with additional needs at any age as statistics are just statistics.

If you want a child and have the love and energy then do it and sod anyone’s opinions but your own.

I know a blended family where both mum and dad had three older children each (Late teens to mid twenties) from previous relationships when they met and married. There was some resistance/reluctance on both sides from the kids so they decided (bizarrely in my opinion) that what would cement the family and bring everyone together would be a new baby. Both of them were pretty financially well off in their own rights.

They had IVF (both in their forties) and got twins. Twins now about 10 or 11, parents over 50 and on the brink of divorce but sorting out any wills and who is entitled to what going forward is a million times more complicated than it needed to be if they’d not had children together. Plus the older kids still hate their respective stepparents and resent the younger ones for existing at all.

I think both too old, especially when child reaches teens. You need lots of energy then, as you know, plus no matter how fit you are, it's no where near that a younger parent would have.
But it's just how I feel, being 20 and 22 when I had mine to me was perfect, to others it would be much to young.
Go with how you both feel, good luck.

Why are people saying the child will end up as a carer? Most people unless they live close and want to do it do not care themselves for their parents, not full-time as a job anyway. You do need to think through pensions, care arrangements, life insurance, but so does everyone because anyone can suddenly become disabled. I would not have another child unless you were financially quite well off for this reason.

A lot of good points on here. I would not judge you being pregnant (a child in your 40s is reasonable), but I would worry you are setting yourself up for heartache with IVF. And I would judge the fuck out of you for having a child at this stage if you don't put precautions in place for guardianship, caring responsibilities and university help. In a worst-case scenario, your older children will be bringing up their sibling alongside his neice or nephew.

My Dh is a DGF in his late 70s. I'm in late 60s. (12 year gap)

The DGC range from 2-14 and we do various amounts of regular childcare. At the end of it, we're on our knees. You have to add in bed, bath, breakfast, school runs, playdates, taxi service for the teens...
The list goes on.

Never in a million years. The baby bit is the easiest in comparison (and I'm not minimising that!)

Nearly you don’t have to be a full time Day to day carer to an elderly parent or sibling with SNs to still feel the burden of responsibility to them if you are all they have. It’s a worry when you are in your 50s or 60s. I imagine it’s doubly burdensome when you are in your 20s or 30s and have your own young family to care for too.

BIL is very active with his daughter and his age in fact I think maybe because he won't be with her when she a adult he misses not a single opportunity, they are always out and about having fun
You see what comes out there for me is the fact he is aware she will loose one parent very young. This is hard for any young person to live with (wo talkig about the caring aspect before hand). He might be spending plenty of time with the child (which tbh should have happened anyway?) but is that a good trade off for loosing your father so young? Is that fair on the child thmselves?

Your husband has the right to be a father if he wants.
No one has the RIGHT to be a father (or a moher for that matter). The first thing that should be looked at is what it would mean for the child who woud be born and the effect of the current children. It might be a heartbreaking decision but the children involved should be put first, esp the one to be created.

@Nearlyalmost50, because, unless you are really cold hearted or have no relationhsip with them, they will be in your mind, even if you dint live close.
Ive seen that happening with my own parents doing their best to support/look after their own parents from another country. It meant effort and time. Both to maybe make that extra trip to go and see them, sort out emergencies when you're not there (much much harder). Liasing with hospitals/sorting out temporary carers when they had a broken hip etc etc.
Looking after all the financial side when one of them ended up in a care home and couldnt handle that anymore.

Its not because you are not living with them that caring for them isnt time cosuming and hard to live wth emptionally/finanically/time wise/energy wise. Thats because caring isnt just about having a someone coming to do a bit tidying up and preparing a meal!

I think it is important to consider what the child will think about likely becoming a carer in their teens/young adulthood. They're unlikely to live the carefree life, go travelling, etc, in their early 20s because they'll be afraid to leave their elderly parent(s).

What a load of tosh.

I think both too old, especially when child reaches teens. You need lots of energy then, as you know, plus no matter how fit you are, it's no where near that a younger parent would have

You need less physical energy when they are teens. Being a taxi driver and a bank is nowhere near as exhausting as looking after and entertaining youngsters.

Being a carer at any time of life, when you have your own children or none, is hard work. I don't think most people do care for their parents themselves, though, not in the UK, most people I know either have carers come in or their parents are in a home, or if they live close, do some of that themselves.

If the children are travelling the world or working in New Zealand or whatever, or just working at another location, they won't be doing the caring. Either the mum will be doing it or they will pay/get social services help. Most people do not sacrifice their lives and spend decades caring for their parents themselves these days so I think this is a bit of a red herring- a 25 year old will deal with it the same way a 45 year old mum of two will who lives at the other end of the country. Caring is immensely stressful in mid-life actually esp if you have your own dependants and established career/life, but that doesn't stop anyone having children who will be mid-life carers, does it?

I don’t think you are too old at all, having a baby at 43,44 not a problem but I do think your husband is too old. I would struggle to understand why you would do it

A colleague of mine is having his first child at 56 - I was delighted for him. No judgement at all.

I also agree caring is more than physical caring, it's about worrying about your parents. But they are elderly and ill and then die in a finite time span and it's not clear it would be better to tackle that in your mid-life during the menopause or when you have teens that also need you and you are strung out trying to meet everyone's needs, or whether it happens in your late twenties. Either way, judging by MN, most people don't plan on their children giving up their lives to care for them whatever the age.

There’s also the aspect of he children you say he has raised as his own. How will they feel?

Can you both afford to support all the children should something happen and you end up single?

I vehemently disagree with children being carers which could happen given his age.

My main concern about having a child late (for both parents - look up recent evidence on a link between older fathers and ASD for example, as well as the obvious heightened risk of Down's for you), would be having a disabled child who outlives you.

You wouldn't be there to care for them, when as an adult, they still need care. That idea frightens me, for their sake.

I am an older parent.
Some of the other parents I met when dc were growing acted really really old despite being years younger than me

It isn’t about your age it is about how you act.

I live in an area where late 40s doing the school run is the norm
20+ year old mums are the exception

LOL, all you people judging the energy levels of 60 year olds having had just younger yourselves: maybe you just got worn out younger, because if the kids!

At 60 I was taking my kids camping, walking to the summit of the UK’s biggest mountains with them, back packing in E Asia... and most of all, teaching them to be resilient, independent and self sufficient.

I am grateful for my health, and we can’t take that for granted at any age.

But tie and time again I see people on MN being encouraging about teens who are pregnant, telling people that you never regret a baby when the poster is expressing worries about money etc, almost anything is OK except having a child at the later end of your natural childbearing years!

LOADS of people have babies in their 40s and always have had.

My mums in her early 70s and doesn’t need physical care but she still needs someone to phone everyday and take her to the shops, gp, dentist, opticians, help her with her bills etc.
It’s hard to fit in as a 40 year old and I’d have really resented it as a teen.