I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

No, it's your choice. My mum was born when her mother was 40 and her sister when she was 45.

I'm 58, DH 67 and have boys of 18 & 21. DC2 turned 18 at the same time his dad was retiring.

(Counts on fingers) so your DH was 15 years younger than the OP's when your youngest was conceived? Bit of a different situation really.

My mother had me at 23 and died at 42

At 19 you’d have been very sad indeed but able to understand your loss and not necessarily emotionally damaged for life by it.

If she’d had you at 40, perhaps with a man who was already in his fifties it might have been another matter entirely. Growing up with no mother and then having to care for an elderly father by the time you were in your 20s when you should have no responsibilities other than focusing on your own life/children.

It’s likely you’d have no father either, by the time you were 35. This is a reality for many singletons being born to older couples today. People avoid parenthood for 20 years then suddenly panic and worry that they’ve missed out so they just squeeze one in there at the last minute. Only thinking of themselves.

Just to add. My parents were the old parents at the school gate. My mum had me at 37 and was pushing 50 when I left primary. I did have a small part of me that thought my friends with 32 year old mums were lucky. The reason I felt that way was because they were fun. My parents were not fun. Personality wise they just wasn't much fun. They didn't do much with us. They gave me a horrible name in 1989 from the sixties. I hate it still. I do love them though.

I think you must make sure you are modern enough and energetic enough. They need you to keep them in with their peers. As long as you can see things from a modern child's point of view then I think you will be fab. I don't mean materialistic things either. Just in your approach in general.

I might think rather them than me , it's totally your decision. I got very broody at exactly your age, would have had another baby at a drop of a hat, don't know if it's a biological thing, last chances etc.
Sounds like you both have good genes and are financially secure. Might be a big culture shock for your DH thou! I think looking after a baby at your ages wouldn't be an issue, coping with a teenager in your 60s and 70s might be. I think DH age is more of an issue tbh, there is statistically a bigger chance of your DH having serious health problems or dying when your DC is in young adulthood, I have two friends who lost their parents when they were teenagers / early twenties who have been deeply affected by it .
Another friend became her parents carer when she was in her twenties and subsequently she didn't have the carefree young adulthood as the rest of her friends ( she had older siblings but they had moved away years ago so it was still really all down to her -siblings popped in once a month) Sorry that's all too depressing! just saying think carefully about how having older parents may affect the child . Having said all that you may have brilliant health and live to 100!

ForTheTimeBeing At 43 yes I would. I think there has to be a point where people are honest with themselves about the potential risks and downsides of having children late. Yes there will always be families where it works well but there are many children of older parents on here that have felt it and chosen differently for their own families. Obviously circumstances don’t always work out ideally but I don’t think people can just think about babies/small children in their 40s. Those children might be expensive teens at a point when their health might suffer, job security decreases etc and I don’t think there is always enough thought given to the needs of older children.

I used to work in a small acute stroke unit. I was shocked by the number of people having catastrophic strokes in their 50s and 60s. Many of them had lead healthy lives and were still working up until the day of their stroke.
The number of people I saw in their 30s or 40s was negligible. That’s not to say it won’t happen when younger, but the numbers of people I saw were far far smaller than those a decade older.

There’s a reason women’s fertile time normally ends in their 40s. Men should also take note of this, just because they can father a child, doesn’t mean they should.

I don’t want to sound all doom and gloom, and yes some people are still healthy and active into their 80s and would relish looking after a teenager at 70. But for every one of those, there will be many other for whom that is not the case.

Don't you and your DH want any time together just the two of you? It certainly won't be a relaxing enjoyable retirement with youngish children still around with all the worry and grief they bring.

I don't understand couples who never seem to want any time just to be together but want children depending on them for years and years

Why are people talking about 40 year olds having kids?

The ops dh will be around 58, not 40.

It's the same as asking would you plan to have a child at 16 and then posters chipping in with "Oh yes, I had mine at 29 and it was great!" Completely irrelevant .
I don't know anyone who would relish being 25 and having a dad aged 83.

And it not comparable to George Clooney etc etc. You don't have that lifestyle of dieticians, fitness instructors, cooks, cleaners, nannies, stylists etc etc. You will be doing it alone.

Absolutely would not.
I’m a child of older parents who died when I was young. Granted they were both also relatively young too. However, i hated having older parents as there was always the fear they’d die and also that they were so much older than my friends’ parents.
57 is particularly old too for a man. ‘Old sperm’ is a thing.

I'm nearly 44. DP is late 50s. We have a 9 month old. You have to go with what you feel. We had no negative comments whatsoever from others. Please bear in mind that TTC may be a struggle, as it was for us. You need to have a positive but realistic mind set.

Oh and my MIL is 84. No way would I leave her in charge of a child now. She’s pretty ‘with it’ too.
10 years ago, yes, her and late FIL did a lot of helping in their early 70s but then he got ill and she got old.

I had DS when I was 44 and DH was 50. I've just asked DS, who is now 12, if he'd ever been teased about our ages and his answer was no. Probably because all but 2 of his friends have parents who had those children in their late 30's - early 40's (just the way it is around here - quite a few mums in their 40s with young children. Although they're often the 2nd or 3rd in the family).

Do I wish I had had him earlier? Yes - but DH and I didn't meet until I was 40 so that wasn't an option. Did I suffer from a lack on energy? I don't think so - most of the mums, even the younger ones, looked shattered at the parent and toddler groups early on! Did DH suffer from lack of energy? Absolutely not! He and DS go swimming every weekend, he's always been full on dad mode as soon as he's home from work - when DS was a toddler I think I did half a dozen baths in a year, DH used to go into work early so he could be home for dinner and bath time for DS, that was their time. I used to have the chance of a weekend away on my own (still do occasionally but I'm now in a new job so not so easy). DH used to reel off the things the two of them did - country park (they even did a bloody zip wire thing one weekend!), the swimming, some event or other, cinema, then a film on the TV with a pizza. I don't know of many dads that had the chance to do more to be honest. But he's a lark - up at 5am every day without fail - so maybe that's got something to do with it. He was always full on even before DS came along.

I think the key is to understand that you are an older parent. You need to make more effort in the way you dress, not top fashion but you can't get away with some things like you can when you're in your early 30s. You need to keep on top of the trends in music and films etc so you're not looking like an old fogey in anyone's eyes. According to a couple of DS's friends, when we had his 10th birthday, they liked coming to his party because me and DH were 'cool'. We'd never been called that before so were chuffed. If that's what his friends think then we've done OK.

what thing is old sperm?

I think your DH is too old. You have a comfortable lifestyle and can look forward to retirement while supporting your DCs and his nephews or nieces. If your DH had really wanted children he’d have done it 10, 20 or 30 years ago.

Have you thought about the impact that having another child would have on the children you have already? What if the pregnancy leaves you with serious health problems? How would you cope with a disabled child? At 72 and 58 do you really look forward to a teenager swearing at you, coming home drunk or saying they hate you?

I wouldnt judge particularly but i would think it would be somewhat unfair on the kids.

If you got pregnant within the next couple of months (which is obviously a big if) your child would be looking at a parent who is 62 and 76 at least.

That means before they even complete schooling that their father will have a significant chance of having complicated health needs. Let alone beginning to think about the likely hood of him being present at weddings or graduations or witnessing a first grandchild.

My cousin had a similar set up as parents, sadly mother died sadly young at 60 but father died at the age of 78 after a long period of illness. It meant that as a kid she had one elderly parent who was more like a grandad thus couldnt do bike rides etc, aborad holidays and lost both parents before university finished.

Obviously ill health happens to us all, and people reach grand ages having been fit all their lives (although id argue fit for a 70 year old is very different to most parents), and some people get ill very early.

However you're stacking the odds in the favour of a child growing up with significant impact of poor family health

I have to say I don't understand why either of you want to go through the baby rearing phase again. It's not as though you are childless and your husband is almost a father to his sibling's children. Why not just enjoy what you have? Up to you though.

I wouldn’t judge you but I’m the same age as you (43) and my husband is 51 and we’ve sadly decided not to try to conceive.

We would love a baby together but my mother died at 54, and the likelihood of having a child with SEN is greater when parents are older.
Not fair to have a kid knowing we are unlikely to be able to care for it as long as it deserves.

Yes. I think your DH is too old though, not you.

A few comments about it

• at 43yo, you can indeed get pregnant but you need to realise that you will still parenting at 63yo. How do you feel about that?
• your DH will be parenting at 77yo. That’s the age of my parents and I can tell you that they would struggle with a teenager there 24/7. They both very healthy, my own grand parents died when they were over 90yo, my grand father being living independently until he died at 98yo. So a similar situation than your parents/grand parents.
• as you DH is older, this also means that the child will end up being a carer/experiencing the death of one of his parents young. Is that fair on the child?
• then re IVF and being older, please remember that being an older mother and/or an older father carries risk for the child. Rates of chromosomal abnormalities, higher incidences of various illnesses etc... Is that a risk that you willing to take? As in what will happen if that child needs more support than you gave to your current dcs? What if that child needs support during their entire life?

Again, because you are older, and esp your DH, this is your current children that are likely to end up with that burden. Is that fair in them?

Tbf it is impossible to plan some of those things and maybe things will go well, very well indeed. But you just cannot plan to TTC wo also looking at what will happen if things dont go well, because, unfortunately, they are more likely to not go well at the age you are now. And you just cannot discount that and think about the I pact this wouod have on you. Your DH and your current dcs, short term and long term.

Now wouod I judge? No I wouodnt. You can do whatever you want with your life. But I would know in my own heart this would NOT have been my choice.

I wouldn't care what anyone else thought. Some have commented about the child potentially losing the parent but that could happen to anyone at any age. I am 41 and husband is about to turn 50 and we discussed having another one but our other children are now 12 and 10 so it would going backwards for us. However, if your husband hasn't got any children then I think I would go for it.

yes
two children is enough. Think of the planet. 7.7 billion is too many
you are both too old, your husband will be 77 by the time possible junior goes to uni.

(Counts on fingers) so your DH was 15 years younger than the OP's when your youngest was conceived? Bit of a different situation really.

He was 49 which makes him 8 yrs younger than the ops partner when we had our second?

However, I was addressing the people who were saying that being over 50 was old and that having teenagers in your 60s was embarrassing and detrimental to them.

My sister had a son at 20 years old was a single parent all those years time

She met her husband at 40 they had a child she was 42 and he was 58, there daughter is now 8 or 9 and they are perfectly happy

Her husband is retired and home to take her to school and pick her up and has so much time with her , they are a great wee family

BIL is very active with his daughter and his age in fact I think maybe because he won't be with her when she a adult he misses not a single opportunity, they are always out and about having fun

Your husband has the right to be a father if he wants. Do what makes you happy , I'm sure you will be fabulous parents

When I started on the school run there was a lady dropping off her son (who i mistook for her grand child). She was late 40s. She mistook her periods ending as menopausal, she was pregnant. Her 1st child was an adult.
She was a preschool teacher. Slim, active-ish. But she does seem so much older now, our kids have started secondary.
I think it's fine, but my only caveat would be whole heartedly committing to staying youthful, actively keeping the years at bay, and promoting good health. Good diet, exercise, good haircuts and skincare regime, no smoking and minimal sun exposure.
I'm early 30s and feel old, with an 11year old! I dont think being frumpy is fair on my kids, but just so happens i can shrug off a bit of it with my age. If you're 70, its harder to shrug off, you've got to actively stay young iyswim