I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

Plus ime there is a lot of very late nights and taxi driving duties with teens when you will of course be older,

Go for it OP.

I was 43 with my first and DH was 57 with adult children. We are both retired, no mortgage and live rurally in a nice place by the sea. Lots of older parents with young children live around here.

DH is a brilliant hands on dad and the adult children love their little brother and spoil him rotten when they visit.

My friend’s husband died from a rare cancer in his forties. She had her children young and they’re at Uni now and married so she’s on her own in her fifties.

No-one can predict the future and by your forties, you really should have stopped caring about what others think. Their opinions are irrelevant.

I think it’s too old and unfair on the child (having older parents when they start school), the risk of the child losing its parents before they reach adulthood, the risk of SN’s and the risks for you going through pregnancy. I have 2 dd’s with sn’s, they are now teens and I’m 37, no way could I cope with another child with sn’s now I’m getting older. I’m looking forward to freedom and being able to travel before I get too old.

Get a puppy instead.

I don't think 43 is too old (before contraception women regularly had DC into their 40s) but I'm afraid I do think it's selfish to have a DC at age 57. Of course all DC are had for selfish reasons though, so as long as you understand you might be going it mostly alone if your DH's age slows him down then do it, but go into it eyes open.

His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99

That doesn't predict anything reliably. DH and I both have long-lived/active/healthy parents and grandparents and much of our extended family too, and up til our own early 50s we both expected long healthy lives ourselves. Then our siblings started to have long-term health problems (from 40s onwards, including life threatening and non life threatening ones like back pain that really affect your ability to care for children, even driving) and die (50s onwards, both from illness such as cancer but also totally unexpected) It is lucky that these problems didn't come up while their children were babies or young children. DH and I are still healthy and active and working but at the end of our fifties we can't feel so confident any more about how long this will last.

life is just unpredictable.

Sure, things can happen at any age but I think of ill health and death like throwing darts at a board. Mostly they miss and you're OK. But the older you get the more often the darts get thrown and past 40 they get thrown a lot more often. The OP says his own sister died young. Sure, they might get lucky but they can't take it for granted any more.

Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?

The other issue is... I would not mess with IVF at 43-plus and with children already. Nothing I have heard about IVF suggests that it's health-giving or psychologically beneficial and the chances of success are not high. It would be easy for your DH to be gung-ho but really what does he know about it?

A positive point - financially you are in a strong secure position and that does help. You wont both need to work, and (if I read correctly) you have the security of upcoming teachers' pensions. Financial security matters a lot when you have a family or when you get older or both.

I don't believe your dh really wants children, as most people who do would have made choices in life to make that happen before his age. So I thinkbthe first thing you'd have to be prepared to do is most of the parenting

That is an astute point. You'd be the one taking the brunt of the IVF too. I don't think your DH necessarily feels this way but you should take a serious look at the possibility that he does. Or you might have to do most of the parenting, not because 60 is so very old, but because that may be what your DH expects perhaps without even realising it. There is a huge difference between an involved uncle and a father, and your DH might not be expecting to have to do so much.

I am horrified reading some of these comments.

Gosh, there's a lot of judgement on here.

The OP asked. I would never make such comments otherwise, nor would the rest of us I'm sure. But she wants to know. She might have some niggling doubts of her own and want us to put them into words so she can consider them.

Having said all that, OP I would not judge you. Unless someone can invent a time machine that knocks 20 years off his age and 5 off yours, what choice do you have? What matters is what you and your DH judge is best. Having kids is always a risk. It's a benefit too.

Yes it's too late. Maybe not so much for you but absolutely for your husband

IVF success rates plummet for women over 42 to less than 2% - I wouldn't throw your money away

My Friends father was 50 when they were born and they have ZERO relationship now - nothing in common and he's highly embarrassed about it

So you will be nearing retirement age when this potential child is 18 and your husband considerably older.

They may decide not to travel or move far away because they are scared to leave you alone and may decide not to do so until you pass away, they could be nearing 40 by that time if you are lucky enough to live that long.

You or your husband, possibly both may not live long enough to see a wedding or grandchildren.

Things to consider.

@IceBearRocks what you've said just goes to show that children with parents of any age can have conditions.

I think its too old for him but not for you. I think at 57 he is going to find the sheer amount of energy a young child needs extremely challenging and it is likely you will have to shoulder the majority of the daily grind of childcare. Even fit and healthy grandparents in their 60s would struggle to care for their DC full time.
I wouldn't criticize you for TTC because your choices are none of my business but I would worry about how your DH will cope.

I think you should make up your own mind. No one knows what the future holds , your health could deteriorate or it might not. I do think your dh is old to become a parent again, my dad is the same age and a grandad. He could not physically cope with the demand of a young child but that doesn't mean your DH won't. I think one of the bigger things to think about is that a baby will change your current way of life ie. Involves more planning when you go out, a lack of spontaneity,going back to the beginning again can be grueling and this time neither of you will have age on your side. I think all prospective parents regardless of age should have plans in place for their kids in case of death and as older parents this is unfortunately something that should be a big consideration for you.

I think you should consider all the positives and negatives and then go with your gut x

My MIL had my DH at 42 - his dad was 20 years older in his 60s. When DH was conceived his dad was already fighting cancer. They already had 5 older children ages 16 and up.

DHs dad died when he was less than a year old. MIL brought DH up alone with the help of the older children.

Dh had a fantastic childhood, MIL often says that having dh “saved” her. MIL is in her 70s now and still active with grandchildren and great grandchildren.

My mother had me at 23 and died at 42.

Nobody knows how things will work out - be prepared to raise the baby alone but don’t be put off by that in itself.

I think you need to weigh this up very carefully. Older parents can find themselves having to look after elderly parents as well as younger children. They can suffer ill health; my F was 40 when my DB was born, which isn't old by today's standards, but he developed Parkinson's Disease when we were small. He was a horrible, abusive man, but it meant that we grew up around ill health, which wasn't easy.

I'm also an older mum myself, not through choice, DH and I started TTC in my early 30s but I was infertile. We adopted and now have 2 DDs of 10 and 7. I'm 50 years old and DD1 has SEN. They have elderly grandmas of 80 and 79, so we don't get help from them. (My DM (80) does help occasionally but she's very busy with her own life, which is her right and she had miserable years when my F was alive.)

Basically I'm saying that it really isn't ideal. And also, you're 43 now; it's unlikely to happen straightaway, although you might be lucky. There's also the added risks that the child will have SN; we adopted so our age wasn't going to cause that, although adopted children are likely to have SN too.

There are other ways you can look after children. You could well be grandparents soon; you're at an age where you can be very involved in their childcare. There's also fostering; both my DDs' foster mums were in their 50s (I know that's not for everyone!).

The most important thing to consider here is the impact on the child. I say this as the child of older parents. Even if you conceived quickly you would be 44 and 58 by the time the baby is born.

If your DH reaches the average life expectancy for men, your child will lose it's father at the age of 21, and have an elderly mother who may start needing a lot more support. Is it really fair to saddle them with that burden when they haven't had a chance to get their own life started?

Some will say "you could live to 95", but the stats don't lie. For every 95 year old, there's someone dying in their sixties.

I'm not trying to be horrible or make you feel bad but these are the realities that the child had to deal with. That's without even touching on all the other risks of pregnancy complications, risk of special needs/disabilities, etc.

My father was 57 when I was born, and he lived to 105, climbing ladders and doing the grocery shopping till he was about 99.

He was a wonderful father, and I was much closer to him than my much older siblings were because he always had time for me, and appreciated having me so much.

Another thing to consider is you may end up doing the bulk of the child care as well as having to become carer to your husband a few years down the line.

It's absolutely fine. A mum in my DD playground is 44 with a 4, 8 and 12 year old. Her chaps 48.

If you are still young at heart and fit then go for it. You will be 54 when they go to secondary and they will be way more independent by then. I don't think a women is old in her 40s!

I'm 30 and have this small thought in my head maybe I'll have one more in ten years. I probably won't but the reason I can't have one now is I can't function in early pregnancy. I get so exhausted and sick. I have to do school runs and focus on the kids I have right now.

I say go for it, you are solvent, healthy and in a happy relationship. That’s a lot more than many younger parents can offer.

I think both of you have already enough children to deal with. Are you affluent enough to provide for them and yourselves in the long term?

Put it this way, your OH’s nephews and your older kid, may be at uni or just out of school when the baby arrived. University is expensive, more so if you need to supplement the student loan (most do) of 3 kids. If they do not go to uni, they will be either in low salaries or unemployed so unlikely to have left home.

By the time baby is 6-8, your second child needs to go to uni, or needs to continue to be supported financially. By that time you OH will be retired and you will be in your fifties. By the time baby leaves school your OH will nearly 80 and you 69. Both retired (if alive) and probably in need of care and support.

Personally, I have 3 friends who came into the world when their brothers were teens. They all had hardship in their lives, one because her dad died when she was in secondary school, the other 2 because the parents were retired by the time they were ready to start university.

I wouldn’t put my family or a baby through that. Nature is wise, wait for the grandchildren instead.

I'm 57 the thought of a screaming baby around makes me feel quite sick, the last thing I would want this close to retirement.
I don't even want grandchildren because I like my own space. Luckily my son doesn't want any children neither does his wife.
When the menopause hit a young child would have sent me round the bend as it hit me like a hammer at 47.
A lot of people get this craving for another child at your age, I think it's nature's last hurrah. My mum wanted one at that age and when it didn't happen a couple of years later she was so pleased, she is sure it was hormonal prior to the menopause.
What if the child had a disability? Would you be able to cope with that for the rest of your lives, your kids would have to look after that child when you are gone.
Of course it's your choice but you need to think about it really carefully.

I’m a nutshell, calcute your pensions’ entitlement, you don’t want that poor kid to become a carer in his late teens early twenties.

I'd not say anything to your face unless I knew you very well, but I'd be concerned for the child, because I don't think it's particularly fair. I say this as someone who was born to older parents (though they were younger than you), so I speak from experience.

I had my last baby at 43. Women often had last babies in their early to mid forties until fairly recently, so I say why not ?

I'm 58, DH 67 and have boys of 18 & 21. DC2 turned 18 at the same time his dad was retiring.

They haven't lost out because we were older parents. DH always did, and still does, more with and for them than the majority of his younger counterparts. They lost a grandparent a couple of years ago at the age of 96, the other grandparents are fit, active and healthy mid 70s.

Ignore the posters who think you have one foot in the grave if you are over 50. The only way they will realise that that isn't true for lots of people is when they reach that age themselves. The reality is that we don't know how fit, active, healthy we are going to be at any age. Some of my boys friends have already lost parents much younger than us.

As for them being embarrassed, they really aren't. They are independent, fantastic young men who are not ashamed to be seen with us, always have plenty of friends over and come home from uni at every opportunity.

Only you can decide.

My Friends father was 50 when they were born and they have ZERO relationship now - nothing in common and he's highly embarrassed about it

If I had a child that thought that people over the age of 60 were nonpeople, I would be exceptionally embarrassed and feel like a very bad parent. It's like saying if you went out with your grandparents or they went to school to pick you up it would be embarrassing. Only if you are an utter dick.

I don't get these a) the child will be teased (news flash, most kids are teased at school or b) the child will be embarrassed (news flash, most kids are highly embarrassed by their parents) comments. Living is so much more than conforming to some narrow norm. I know older parents who are fantastic and get on great with their children. No embarrassment. I know lots of really cruddy parents and quite crap children of all ages and they really can't blame their lack of insight about what matters in life and their inability to form relationships on their parents age!

In your circumstances, I'd go for it. I'm surprised at the number of posters saying your DH is too old. Would they advise single women not to have a baby?