smoking

[Hopex3]

AIBU to think smoking if you have children is an incredibly selfish decision? having a debate with a friend who claims as she does it out of sight of her children it is not and she is entitled to a vice as she devotes her life to the children. from my view, it can cause illnesses, costs money that could go on other things for the family and quite frankly isnt a healthy thing for a child to be around (will still be on clothes/hair etc.) even if they dont see it? think I feel strongly as I remember as a child putting a cushion over my face to avoid the smoke from my dads 30 a day habit - I really do think its revolting

Selfish isn't a fact. It's society way to control and dictate how people should behave. Your selfish is different (as you can read in your thread) to others.

It's not selfish because it maybe someone's self-care (yes it is bad for you but so is cake, alcohol, over-eatting) It's something that makes them feel relaxed and happy. It is their choice. You can't decided what is selfish for someone else. You decide that for yourself.

Are her children unsafe? Are they being hurt in anyway? Is ok to drink?

I smoked for years and stopped when we decided to have a baby.
Our son arrived, healthy and happy. Fast forward to my son being 6 months old and I was smoking again as I have PND and anxiety.
I NEVER smoke in front of my son, I only smoke if he is at school or in bed and I have a couple of "smokers outfits" that I wear and wash as soon as I've smoked.
My therapist and GP both said to me to concentrate on my mental health and not to even try to quit smoking before I had a better feeling about myself.
After 3 months I decided I was well enough to quit so I did, until I lost my grandad, uncle and brother within a 2 month period and sent me spiralling again.
Another visit to counselling and GP to be told again not to stop smoking or even think about it until I am mentally capable of coping with my life.
We have enough money so all our bills are paid and food is always on the table. We also have enough to give DS what he wants but he only gets what he needs.
I know that smoking with a child is horrible but I don't know if any other option.
OP what would you suggest I do?

Even if it is, why do you think it's any of your business? If you said this to me I'd tell you to f**k off. And I don't smoke. You sound like a prigg.

Thanks for answering @IceCreamAndCandyfloss Usually when I ask people that, they immediately say 'Alcohol's different'. Good for you for seeing that it isn't!

@Hopex3 I haven't rtft but can see you are being ripped apart here. I agree with you. Smoking is vile and selfish with no redeeming qualities. Smoking starts as a choice which then becomes an addiction. I expect very few people love their first cigarette.

If you had started this thread on a Tuesday (for example) opinions may well have swung the other way, Mumsnet's funny like that, but today the smokers are touchy.

okay, were comparing to other behaviours again and how its noone else's business. clearly those are the only answers I'm going to get.

2019canfoff I'm sorry you experienced those things and had a rough time but I'm still not going to say I agree that smoking is the option and am fairly shocked a GP would advise that. I'm not disagreeing it's hard to give up. I know it is, I used to smoke! but I quit for my baby and I also have been through some horrible things. I asked the question how it isnt selfish, I'm not asking people to justify why they do that isnt my point at all

I hardly doubt you would be friends with this person if her children were "going without", seeing as you obviously hold such high standards? So, are they going without food, water, shelter, clothes? Think it's quite drastic. I'm sure your friend doesn't let her children go without so she can smoke. It's really not your problem anyway, perhaps you should be more open minded and accept the fact people can be different from you, have different opinions and choices. She is a fully grown adult, I don't think she needs your input, I'm sure she is very aware of the risks of smoking as is everybody. And If I were her, I would ditch you as a friend, considering you're on mumsnet technically bashing her parenting. And ironically, as you've stated you're an ex smoker, surely you would understand the difficulty of an addiction? Strange thread.

Why does no one shout to ban alcohol?

Because it's socially acceptable in society. 'Gin O clock' 'Wine O clock' 'Is it too early for a glass?' etc etc. More than that it's actually encouraged really, but the knock on effect everywhere else is the same, if not worse than smoking.
Smoking is the latest band wagon, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing because it is an expensive and damaging habit. But I do think that those being so virtuous about it while sat with a g&t or glass of merlot are hypocrites - not saying anyone here is doing that but I do know people personally that do.
I do wonder at the school of thought that labels alcholics and drug addicts victims yet nicotine addicts selfish. It's the same thing, an addiction to a substance you choose to put it your body.

Of course we are comparing to other behaviours..... why would t we? My point is making the fact she can't buy school shoes remember the massive drip feed might not be just because she smokes. Your very anti smoking and define any money problems to be caused by smoking alone.

Somanysocks - thank you, I'm not sure why I've been so attacked for my opinion. fair enough if it comes across judgemental but I put this question out there to see others points. like I said, if this was about me and was a 'I'm a smoker who wont quit for my kids because I dont want to, am I being selfish' I also would have been torn apart so cant really win

*you're

spongejack wtf, how can you afford twenty a day but not the shoes of course that is a contribution, are you being serious or are you trolling to get a reaction??

spongejack, answer the question then please - why is smoking not a selfish habit?

I'm not gonna apologise for being anti smoking either

So. What if you can afford to smoke and also have your children not go without?

I won't bore you with the intricacies of my life but I swore id never take up smoking again after I had my DCs. Life just wasn't that simple.
Ask anyone I know and they would be the absolute last people to call me selfish.

Actually I think that the advice to wait quitting until 2019 was mentally feeling better was sound. I went through 2 weeks of HORRIBLE physical withdrawal and even though I am ok I can't imagine what it would do to me if I wasn't mentally strong at that point.

There are so many things I could have said to this post, however I feel like you just wanted your pedestal polishing and other people to agree with you wholeheartedly. So yes, it is selfish. We all know the health risks and we also have plenty of media outlets harping on about how bad smoking is for us. We dont need our friends to do it too. Her question about why smoking parents get such a bad rap? It's true. As grown adults we know it is selfish, and we shouldn't do it, but the majority of us still take precautions to reduce the risk yet we are still hammered with how disgusting we are, how selfish we are etc, but we are all a little selfish sometimes. Some smoke, some drink, some take drugs. Smoking is the lesser of these evils IMO however smokers get the worst of the holier than thou brigade. Why? Because we dont hide our selfishness behind closed doors like drinkers, drug takers, shopaholics, gamblers and the like. Maybe she just wanted to rant about being targeted by numerous people telling her something she already knows? I spend approx £30 per month on my selfish habit out of what I earn. My DD and DSS will never go without, but the point of kids going without should have been made from the start shouldn't it? Rather seems that because people didn't agree outright then the crime had to be dramatised hence the drip feeding.....

You mentioned in a previous thread about you lazy DP smoking ! Does this apply to him too?

Yep ...I always do a history search on sketchy posters ....you usually find madness!

Have a look at mine...I'm a crank!

But I was a child whose parents smoked...we had nothing and my parents had fags..... then my mum dies aged 68 from Lung Cancer.

In some ways I agree...smoking around kids is horrid ... but some kids are harmed intentionally !

Even if 100% agreed with you that it is selfish, you arent going to just make people stop smoking overnight. I think I most people would agree it's damaging to health given all the associated risks. And it is costly.

But you are using one friend of yours as an example, saying her child went without. I doubt her child actually did.

What were you hoping to achieve with this thread? We all know drugs are bad for us, but people still do them recreationally and some are in the trap of addiction. What the fuck is your point? People are people. If I were your friend I'd have fucked you off ages ago for being smug and judgemental.

I don't disagree with you OP, it is selfish. I never wanted to be a smoking mother but here I am, being advised by health professionals to continue to smoke as that is the lesser evil to my mental health.
I explained my experience as it may be your friend has her own issues and her only way of coping is to smoke.
To each their own OP, you've been beaten for you opinion which I agree with. Bet you didn't think a smoker would agree with you!!
I am being selfish to my son and I'd hate for him to ever smoke. All I can hope is the steps I've taken shelters him from it and that eventually I will be given the go ahead from the GP to stop

It is but so are a lot of things, maybe your hatred of one thing is due to a lazy DH smoking. I think he may be making you as angry as you are. Deal with your anger and ask your DH why he doesn't stop if he loves you and your children?

IceBearRocks - of course it does. he didnt go on a rant about why it's not selfish and knows it is and how i feel about it. just another reason why I feel so strongly about it. hardly sketchy to disagree with smoking hun

Why start an AIBU thread if you think you're right?
Literally all I've seen is pretty much YABU

OP - NO I'M NOT AND ALL OF YOU ARE WRONG. HOW DARE YOU NOT AGREE WITH WHAT I SAY. THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN.

You actually stated you only quit because of money and your kids going without. Which suggests to me you were smoking once you had your children? Pot kettle.....

2019canfoff - I really dont want to come across like I was being nasty, this is where I think a lot of people have missed the point. I have acknowledges it's really hard, I know it is. I also know people have different reasons for smoking. the issue I took with my friend was her not thinking it was, hence this whole debate and how it started. this whole thread has been so skewed now, I feel like I'm arguing back on things that weren't even relevant

Seriously OP. Your DH smokes that money could go on something else... he's just as bad as your friend.... oh the irony. HUN.