smoking

[Hopex3]

AIBU to think smoking if you have children is an incredibly selfish decision? having a debate with a friend who claims as she does it out of sight of her children it is not and she is entitled to a vice as she devotes her life to the children. from my view, it can cause illnesses, costs money that could go on other things for the family and quite frankly isnt a healthy thing for a child to be around (will still be on clothes/hair etc.) even if they dont see it? think I feel strongly as I remember as a child putting a cushion over my face to avoid the smoke from my dads 30 a day habit - I really do think its revolting

Retroflex yea these are all other reasons. however they are not applicable to the situation with my friend as the children are not of the age associated with cot death nor has it, fortunately, affected her fertility

you were calling me a bully for having an opinion on smoking and putting that across to my friend yet you're on here doing the same to me...hypocrisy....

I agree with you OP. No point in me going on to say anything further though!

Fair enough then. If I knew your views, you wouldn't have been the person I ranted at. She obviously has a better opinion of your friendship, in thinking you would understand her point of view. You don't shrugs If I was her, and now understood that, I'd realise that we had differences I hadn't noticed. It seems to bother you a lot more than your friend but I'm really not clear on why.

@AllergicToAMop exactly, thanks...

What actually is your point?

Just because you quit smoking does not mean your friend has to. I'm pretty sure smoking does not make you a bad mum or selfish...
You aren't being very kind. Just pushing your veiws. An because she doesn't agree with you, you're being extremely hurtful.

Yes you are intitled to your opinion but it's not an opinion when you're degrading your friend, your just being spiteful and nasty.

Are her children safe? Are they well looked after?

just because they have an opinion on smoking

Ahhh but your opinion is not just on smoking is it? You are extrapolating that to the people that smoke,to your friend.

I have friends that think and say that smoking is an awful habit, smelly,dangerous etc. I take no offence to that,I even agree sometimes.

There's a difference between "smoking is bad " and "all smokers are selfish neglectful bastards that shouldn't have had children".

YANBU, it’s scummy

PanicAndRun please dont change what I said to suit your agenda. I didnt say she shouldnt have her children merely that it's a selfish habit that should be thought about when you do decide to being children into this world

You still haven't said if it's 'selfish' for health reasons or financial reasons.

I agree too OP.

It’s a selfish habit, costs the NHS when conditions develop from it, second hand smoke is dangerous to others , it costs a lot which could be funding so much more in life and imo sets a bad example to children who grow up thinking its the norm to do it.

I wish it was banned completely.

You've been arguing all afternoon, where are your kids OP.... Isn't it selfish of you to not be spending time with them or be out working more to earn more so that you can treat them?

It's a bit like saying SAHMs are selfish for doing so if they say things are tight financially. Or the mum with MH issues who is spending money on gyms etc to improve her MH.....

Also an ex smoker.... My kids have never gone without and when I was skint I made my packets last.

@Hopex3 "you were calling me a bully for having an opinion on smoking and putting that across to my friend yet you're on here doing the same to me...hypocrisy...."

NO, I'm not bullying you at all... I'd actually be offended if I thought you understood what it meant.

I have posted your statements and added my own opinion, I have looked at your delivery of statements, not only about your "friend"but to others on here including myself, and tried to explain why you are being completely unreasonable, argumentative, goady and your behaviour could be interpreted as bullying...

You on the other hand, seem to think you can say or do whatever you want without anyone else being given the same courtesy, unless they are agreeing with you.

You could have had an "anti smoking" post based on any of the points I raised, but instead you made it a personal attack on your "friend" and her parenting... How would you feel coming across a post like this which someone you classed as a friend had written about you? Saying your children were going without shoes...

@Hopex3 There's all kinds of things that could be considered selfish when you consider bringing children into the world.

Drinking is bad for ones health. Eating sugar is bad for ones health. Not getting enough exercise is bad for ones health. Working a stressful job is bad for ones health. I don’t really see the difference with the above and smoking other than second hand smoke - which I think you said doesn’t affect her children because she doesn’t smoke in front of them. So meh - what are you going to do? Stop being a judge Judy and stop being mardy because people don’t agree with you

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss You can say all of that about alcohol. Do you?

Do you never treat yourself to alcohol or chocolate or cake? None of these things are good for you and it’s selfish to be buying yourself a treat when you could spend that money on your kids. I hope you never buy yourself nice shoes or clothes or enjoy a meal out or a trip to the cinema/ a gig/ theatre etc - it would be entirely selfish to spend that money on something for yourself and not on your children.

I hope you don’t selfishly own any pets who could cause allergies or harm your kids and who need money spending on them that isn’t for your children. And heaven forbid you should ever get in a car, cross a road, take a plane, turn on electrics such as hair straighteners or a TV etc when there’s a risk of a crash or a fire.

Of course smoking isn’t a great habit but most adults engage in some habits that aren’t healthy and could potentially shorten their lifespan (alcohol, fatty or sugary foods, not getting enough exercise etc) and of course parents have a right to spend some money on treats for themselves - treating oneself to a packet of cigarettes is no more selfish to the kids than treating oneself to a bar of chocolate, a spa day, a new pair of shoes, a daily Starbucks etc.

this doesnt make any sense. how would you know how I delivered it to my friend confused

Going by what I've seen in here and how you present it, I can take quite a safe guess that it was similar irl...

If you want people to listen and not shut you down, you have to think about how you deliver your arguments.

Personally, I’d ban the sale of tobacco products and vaping products. I’d ban smoking in public spaces (indoors and outside).
Do I think it’s selfish - of course it is, but people are selfish about all sorts of things. Do parents sometimes spend money on cigarettes or alcohol whilst children go without? Yes of course.
Vile, anti social activity that costs a huge amount from the public purse. We’re not a dictatorship though so what I think doesn’t really matter; adults get to choose.

@BamboozledandBefuddled someone actually suggested earlier to have a drink instead of smoking to deal with stress.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss "costs the NHS when conditions develop from it"
Actually if everyone was to stop smoking, then other taxes would need to be increased to fund the NHS to the same level as is just now, as the tax on cigarettes is the reason they're so expensive...

Being judgmental about smoking is one of those things that gives people a warm glow of self-righteousness. You might be killing the planet with your behaviour, feeding your kids crap, having the kind of horrible relationships that scar them for life but SMOKING? Eurgh. Those repulsive people!

Instead of that, why not support each other? Everyone is trying. No one is doing absolutely everything right.

OP the reason people are reacting is not because of the smoking. Of course it would be better if no one smoked, parent or not. But the judgmental, holier-than-thou tone and the petty meanness isn't something I'd expect from my friends. And you call her your friend.

@PanicAndRun Well that's great I don't think I'm a danger in a car if I've chain smoked 20 fags but I won't drive after half a pint of shandy!

If the parent can afford it and only does it outside, far away from their kids and isn't smoking infront of or around them, they aren't harming their child.

I think there's so many other things that you could be angry about OP such as parents that drink excessively despite having children and indulge in drug taking. Smoking doesn't impair you and if you smoke within the law and keep it outdoors only, you aren't harming anyone but yourself.

I would say that a parent that smokes should not co sleep with their child unless they have a shower and change their clothing before getting into the bed every night and should handwash and cover their clothing with a coat, perhaps hood up as well? If they are smoking through the day.

Some people have utterly filthy houses though with children living in them which probably pose a higher danger than third hand smoke does.

For what it’s worth I agree with you @Hopex3 disgusting vile habit.
Most packs are £10 ish. I honestly don’t believe many if not most families could spend that money on something better.
Even if not in the kids then in their bank accounts.