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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 18/01/2020 17:37

Not a battle I would have bothered to pick if the child was already sitting in the car before I was picked up.

Was she using her car seat in the front seat? Most 9 year olds still need one. Not all car seats are safe to be used in the front seats of cars unless the airbag can be and has been deactivated though.

My knowledge could be a little out of date here though, as my youngest will be 18 this year so it has been a long time since we have needed car seats.

Notonthestairs · 18/01/2020 17:38

I make children sit in the back. If I'm giving lifts to other people's children I make mine sit in the front!

That said I would have gone along with sitting in the back in someone else's car and tried to use it as a chance to have a chat with the child alongside me.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/01/2020 17:38

11 is a tricky age - they are often beginning to push to be seen as adults, they feel the disrespect of being treated as children too. For a single parent dating there is a very real need to balance his romantic life with making sure his children don’t feel like they are second place or being pushed out - it isn’t just about guilt and letting them get away with stuff.

I agree with you about it being appropriate for you to expect to sit in the front. But I think the way you handled it was diva-ish (despite the lack of drama). It put him on the spot making it an ultimatum he wasn’t expecting, probably after he’d just handled a discussion with his DD and made a promise that he didn’t realise you would object strongly to. It probably made you look, to his DDs, the way his eldest looks to you when she sulkily gets in the back. It was undermined him and it will make it harder for him to insist on better behaviour from them in the future because it will look like it’s acceptable behaviour to demand To sit in the front and be upset about not being able to.

You should have gone along this time and then talked to him about it in private after. Letting him know you found it disrespectful and you wouldn’t do it again so if he isn’t prepared to get his daughter to sit in the back he shouldn’t come and get you. That way he has fair warning without having to put up with two diva’s at the same time.

lyralalala · 18/01/2020 17:40

Also if it was the 9yos turn and your DP decided not to take it from her then good on him

It’s too easy as an adult to miss how important things are to kids. All it takes is 2 or 3 seemingly innocuous things and kids get convinced someone doesn’t like them

My DD was convinced her Dad’s gf (now ex wife) hated her because she took the front seat on her turn 3 tines, but never DD2s, served a meal she didn’t like (the gf just forgot) and got really excited about something DD2 had done when she hadn’t realised DD1 achieved the same the week before...

The final “Hop in the back and give GF the front seat DD2” was her final “proof”

Small things are important to kids and it takes a long time to come back from that when it gets stuck in their mind

You could have easily sat in the back for one way and chatted to his other daughter

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 18/01/2020 17:40

Kids would probably love sitting in the boot too, especially in you have an estate car - we used to find it a great adventure in the early 80s when my parents often transported more people than the car had seats.

Obviously it's horrendously dangerous though.

Kids under 12/ 150cm are at greater risk in the front.
It's not always great parenting to give your children what they want - this is one of the times it isn't.

Naijamama · 18/01/2020 17:42

Hahaha, you threw a strop and stomped back into your house over a seat in a car. Totally ridiculous. Hope they laughed it off and it didn't spoil their day.

RozHuntleysStump · 18/01/2020 17:42

I’m in my 40s if we pick up my dad I get in the back. He doesn’t expect it and often tells me I’m daft but it’s about respect. I’m not going to have my dad squashed into the back.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 18/01/2020 17:42

She called shotgun thems the rules Grin

blackburner · 18/01/2020 17:42

Oh dear I think you've made yourself look like a bit of a childish tit.

And probably made her feel pretty awful.

You don't sound like you like her much and resent their relationship.

If I were him your behavior today would make me think about having you around to be honest.

TildaTurnip · 18/01/2020 17:42

I just think it's about manners and respect
Neither of which you showed. You, however, were in no way disrespected by not sitting in the front seat.

Safety is a different matter, and nothing to do with the OP’s point, but the 9 year old should be in the back.

LauraAurora79 · 18/01/2020 17:42

Childish of you. Now you've made it a thing.

doritosdip · 18/01/2020 17:43

I'd prefer the passenger seat but your behaviour has now created a new battleground for your bf and dd. She will try and sit in the front to test her Dad's love for her.

What's really sad is the situation that the older dd is in. I bet she'd like to sit up front half the time.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 18/01/2020 17:43

I don’t blame you for not wanting to sit in the back - I’m 5ft 11, so I wouldn’t be keen either. But given this was a journey you didn’t actually need to go on, you could have very easily said ‘Actually I’ll leave it today; I feel a bit cramped in the back’. Instead you made a point of saying ‘I’m an adult, not a child’ - and as much as you claim you didn’t make a scene, you were picking an argument. You could have easily avoided it.

As you can see from many of the posts, it’s pretty obvious why kids have no respect for adults these days!

Respect is earned, not a right. Would you respect an adult who threw their toys out of the pram over this?

OlaEliza · 18/01/2020 17:43

Parents and children aren't equal though. Children are children, not your mates or peers. Children don't go out to work or contribute to the running of the household. Children don't get to make decisions on things as they aren't mature enough to do so. They need to be parented and taught to show respect to their elders. No wonder society is in the state it is if so many people consider children their equals. Jfc.

CallmeAngelina · 18/01/2020 17:44

How come the vote is showing moreorless 50/50, but the comments on here mostly seem to be people who think children rule the roost should take precedence over an adult.
I wonder if all those saying YABU are those who automatically let the men drive, and would have the women sit in the back if there are two couples?
Over my dead body, but 9 times out of 10 I drive and dh is the passenger.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2020 17:45

YANBU

I would have done the same thing, not least because I am travel sick in the back. Also, call me old fashioned but I don't prioritise children's comfort over my own. Never have, never will.

I don't think this bodes at all well for your relationship going forward though

Saturdaycartoon · 18/01/2020 17:45

It's much safer for children to sit in the back. Poor parenting to let them in the front for any reason that isn't absolutely necessary. Even had you not been there, the right and safe place for her is there back.

Miranda15110 · 18/01/2020 17:46

YANBU I'd have done the same. I'm an adult and I always give up a front seat or my bed for people older than me. It's where good manners and respect begin.

morethanmeetstheeye · 18/01/2020 17:46

I find it absolutely ridiculous that lots of people on here are using the 'she called shotgun' or 'kids love sitting in the front' comments as a justification.

The child is nine, small for her age and sitting on a booster.

She should be sat in the back.
All the time.
The front seat isn't the safest one for her and shouldn't be a choice.

It's irrelevant whether she'll get a better conversation in the front seat.
It's irrelevant if it makes her happier.
It's irrelevant whether the OP feels disrespected.

What is important is that the father did not put the child's safety first.
People need to stop pandering to their kids.

bluestar997 · 18/01/2020 17:46

Why do you think you are more important than any other individual in the car? Especially as she was there before you

Fitforfifty · 18/01/2020 17:46

Actually I think it’s a bit odd that you were going at all. My two would have argued over who got to sit in the front - bit of a privilege for some reason. She was already in the front seems odd to have made such a drama

MissBax · 18/01/2020 17:46

Also, call me old fashioned but I don't prioritise children's comfort over my own. Never have, never will.

🤮

firsttimemama · 18/01/2020 17:47

YABU she wanted to sit next to her Dad. You sitting there would have taken that time away from her. You were only going to keep him company on the return journey. He had is DD to do that on the way there. I fully expected to side with you, when I opened the thread, but no way in this particular circumstance. I think you really showed yourself up, and behaved like a spoilt brat.

riotlady · 18/01/2020 17:48

In general I do think children should sit in the back but the way you behaved was ridiculous!

CallmeAngelina · 18/01/2020 17:48

Why do you think you are more important than any other individual in the car?
Oh for God's sake!