to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

[Fauxfurrealwhiskey]

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

YANBU OP. But you are a step mum so the MN view is likely to be that you were lucky to be in the car at all.

If the child is old enough/tall enough to travel in the front, it’s fine for the DD to be in the front, especially if it’s a treat for her. I don’t understand the disrespect at all. The back is the “best” place anyway. If you’re in a taxi or are chauffeur driven you’re in the back.

Hmmm. The other day my husband came with us on the school run for the first time in a while. I told the children who normally take turns to sit in the front, "both in the back because daddy's coming". Yes I think grown ups in the front. But if a child was already sat in the front and I'm picking up a grown up, I wouldnt move the child. I'd tell the grown up, "sorry you'll have to sit in the back, x called shot gun!". So I can see both sides. In this case I think you were you were being unreasonable.

Maybe you could re arrange things with your partner so that your child is with you when he has his and your child is with their father when your partner is alone. So you can both spend time with your children alone and can also spend alone time together. X

Unfortunately you'll get zero support on here as step mums should lay down every right and value they hold in favour of the step children. Step children are also allowed to behave appallingly to their step parents and the term 'poor child' is over used.

For what its worth you were absolutely right. If he wants to talk to his daughter for an hour and then sit alone for an hour then let him. It's respectful for a child to sit in the back when two adults are in the car.

Petulance is a very childish trait OP.

If he knew he was picking you up he should have sat her in the back - at 9 she should still be in the back and possibly in a childs seat - the airbag if there is one is too powerful to sit a child there it would kill her

So for safety alone - back for kids and if they are told that that is what they should do no fuss either

If the OP was their mum of course it would be different! The children would have much more time with their dad and likely wouldn't need that extra hour with him.

I bet the 11yo was in the front on the way up and it was the 9yos ‘turn’ on the way back

Little things like that are important to kids and little things like that being disregarded when his new girlfriend came along really damaged their relationship

YANBU It's powerplay on the kids part.
My kids would have hopped out as they saw you coming and jumped in the back without being asked.
My Dh sits in the back with we have Dd (15) in the car, but only because he prefers it. She always asked him if he wants the front and goes for the back but he send her to the front.

YANBU

The front seat of a car is for an adult and shouldn't be for a nine year old child.
I know that a nine year old can legally sit in the front but it's not as safe as a rear seat and shouldn't be an option unless the other seats are occupied by much younger children.

She's not their step mum though. She's dad's live out gf

Maybe the folks on here saying YABU are saying jt because your the girlfriend and not the mum. Funny enough I don't see many wife's sitting in the back seat whilst a 9yr DC is in the front

See that's the elephant in the room that is never really resolved on MN. A GF doesn't automatically occupy the mother role just by virtue of being dad's partner. That role and respect is developed as the relationship with the kids matures and grows. Demanding respect is not the same as actually being respected. Common courtsesy to adults is a different thing btw. But this automatic requirement for respect because of a unilaterally acquired role is a skewed notion in step situations and is often the root of tension in my view.

I'm not sure adults should sit in the back but like I said this is a power play that should not have been done in front of the kids.

YANBU at all op. Disgraceful behaviour on your dp's part imo.

And aren't children safer in the back?

Cannot believe some of the replies on here no wonder we are producing armies of useless brats!

Does sitting in the back impart some magical skills?

OP YWBU. You would only have been in the back one way. He wanted to maximise time with his child.

Childishness and petulance are unattractive traits. Even if you had decided not to go, you could have handled it in an adult way.

Even though I sat in the front within the family unit (me, mam, dad) if another adult had a lift (eg my auntie) then me and dad would be in back and other person in front. Because they were the guest. Especially so with older family. Members eg my mams auntie. The older family members would usually try to insist I remained in the front seat (imagine!) but of course I'd just hop out.

That's the difference between close family and others who you're more formal with I think. Things like front seat 'respect' shouldn't result matter with close family. The idea is you all respect each other anyhow

I absolutely hate the idea that children automatically owe adults respect. IMO respect is earned.

Children should be civil and polite but respect is only given to those who deserve it.

Very petty of you OP. You’ve missed a chance to gain brownie points with the daughter. Given that she was already in the car you should have just sat in the back.

My youngest ds always sits in front of his great grandparents car

Exactly what I was going to say @lyralalala. It really wouldn't have hurt you to sit in the back and natter away to the eldest child. Wonder if the eldest child is now thinking why doesn't @Fauxfurrealwhiskey like me enough to sit next to me?

mummyof2ds I hope he's over 4 ft 11 and ideally over the age of 12, because otherwise they're putting him at unnecessary extra risk, especially if the car has an airbag.

YANBU.

First thought was you sounded younger than his daughter..grow up...his daughter already there. Yabu and tbh suspect this relationship is short lived you your oh as seen you for what you are...another child. Id have different answer if you arrived to pick his children up together.

Kids LOVE sitting in the front. I think you were acting like a wally. I often sit in the back of the kids want to be in front

I can’t get my head around the idea that grown adults think it’s more respectful to sit in the front of a car. Or that they would make such a fuss about it. Or why on earth it matters where you sit. Unless you have a physical reason for needing to be in a certain place - broken leg/ car sickness. Etc.