to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

[Fauxfurrealwhiskey]

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

I think he's the unreasonable one for asking you to come along when his DD wants to sit next to him and chat while he takes them home.

Never understood why adults get priority over a child? Seems a bit odd to me.
Me or DP sit in the back as DD wants to sit in the front as well as any other adult that gets in my car 🤷‍♀️

Rules of shotgun say that the first person in the car gets front seat yabu

Also you are being more of a child than the 9 year old

Saturdaycartoon exactly. Even if it's just me and my youngest, who is nearly 9 and 140cm which is pretty tall for the age, he goes in the back. That's because I love him and don't want to put him in unnecessary extra danger, or kill him...

Jesus Christ!! Going by the majority of responses on this thread it’s no wonder so many kids are entitled little shits these days!

Of course adults have priority over children for the more comfortable front seats. Phenomenally rude to expect you to squash into the back OP.

I am with you 100% OP and wish I had been sensible enough to act as you did in the early stages of my relationship. Instead I took a place in the back for the first few journeys because I didn’t want to appear petty and thought it didn’t much matter. However, that then became the norm and the child would sprint to the front seat as soon as we were out of the house. It became a far bigger issue than it needed to because I’d allowed it to happen a couple of times - ‘well it was fine when we were going to x so why does it matter now?’. At some point you will need to assert yourself and it may as well be sooner rather than later. As you say, OP it is all about respect. Might have been different if your DP or his daughter had offered to let you sit in the front but the fact you (as an adult) were told where to sit is definitely not on.

Children have always wanted to sit in the front as it makes them seem more grown up.

There is not much legroom in the back of cars so it's better for kids in the back and adults in the front, it makes more sense.

My 10 year old sits in the front because A - she feels sock on the back and B - her and dd2 fight (almost always caused by dd2) I'd happily sit in the back of someone else was driving, especially if, as in this case she was already in the front. I do think YWBU!

If the OP’s point has been about safety then the comments about the 9yo and their height would be relevant

That’s not why the OP wanted the child in the back. She wanted the child in the back as she feels her wishes trump that of a child just because she’s an adult

You don’t have to think 9yos should all be in the front to disagree with the OP

I’d put money on the fact the dad was just honouring the promise made to the 9yo when the 11yo sat in the front on the way up to visit

The rules of shotgun are absolute 🤷🏻‍♀️

She was there first, she gets the front seat.

Cannot believe some of the replies on here no wonder we are producing armies of useless brats!

I know, it's shocking how many grown adults throw tantrums because an 8yo girl is sitting in their seat!

Of course he should let her sit in the front! His priority should always be his children

Now we come to it, OP. You must always be at the bottom of the pecking order, and be glad of it!

He asked you to keep him company then expected you to sit in the back? You do him a favour and he lets his kids rule the roost? I’d have done the same as you. It’s about respect: his for you. You delivered that message loud and clear.

As for “respect has to be earned” in the context of children and adults: what bollocks. So the OP should abase herself daily to ‘earn the respect’ of a nine year old who is probably inclined to be negative anyway, because she’s young enough to think that mummy and daddy should get married again? This is why I would never consider teaching as a career. I suppose you think that teachers don’t deserve the respect of their pupils until they have ‘earned it either?

I didn’t let my children sit in the front until they turned 12 purely from a safety point of view. If we give a lift to another adult my children automatically move to the give the adult the front seat. They also give up their seat on public transport when required without being asked.

I would have done exactly the same as the op. Please tell your boyfriend about the dangers of a small child travelling in the front.

Also, call me old fashioned but I don't prioritise children's comfort over my own. Never have, never will.

Wow. I really hope you don't have children in your care. Vile attitude.

The front seat is the worst seat! Why on earth would you choose it by preference? If you’re in a taxi do you get in alongside the driver?

I wouldn't be spending two hours of my time driving about anyway.

But it is sweet to do that for your DP if he enjoys the company.

Or just give him the time alone chatting to the girls.

Also, I note with amusement that the “I had a wicked stepmother just like you boo hoo all stepmothers are evil” crowd are out in force.

Jesus Christ!! Going by the majority of responses on this thread it’s no wonder so many kids are entitled little shits these days!

I can't believe the bitter and spiteful way grown adults talk about children.

Honestly, some Mumsnet posters make me sad.

Who said OP would have to squash into uncomfortable seats? My rear car seats are huge and have as much leg room as the front. Absolutely no squashing or discomfort.

OP you behaved like a child. His DD was already in the car and you were petulant because the accident of being older than her has you somehow believing you are worth more. She doesn't get to live with her Daddy, she doesn't get to see him every day, she doesn't get to control a great deal about her life and her family, can you really really take umbrage at her wanting to sit next to him on a drive? If so, perhaps step parenting isn't for you.

BestestBrownies it seems there are just as many entitled shit adults, having read through this thread.

I see it both ways. I would want to sit in the front, as a child at that age should be in the back anyway (in France its illegal to sit in the front seat until age 10+).

My SS moves into the back for me and he is 25!!

lyralalala I keep posting because Im astounded at all the posters boasting about putting children under 12 and 4 ft 11/ 150cm in the front for no good reason, and the posters who think 135cm is tall enough to be safe when it absolutely isn't, that's just the UK minimum height to travel without a car seat.

I hope someone thinks twice before putting their children at extra risk again.

In the past when he's turned up, his DD has jumped into the back at his request before I got in (that's what I assumed would happen again today). Usually reluctantly/sulkily though. She has form for behaving like that and he mostly enables it.*

Is this always for the trip home?

If so is that when you tend to go, rather than for pick up?

If so it suggests the 11yo sits in the front on the way up she the 9yo on the way back and therefore, accidentally, it tends to be the 9yos turn you take

I see a lot of people saying it's a sign of respect... it's a seat in a car??? Where she can chat to her dad. And OP is not the queen! What a funny idea 😆

Wow, it's not often my Mum comes out looking good, but even she didn't care who sat where in the car!

It would have been such a small thing to do to give your partner and his daughter pleasure, but instead you made your disapproval very clear to all. You chose to suck the joy out. The DDs are 11 and 9 - how old are you, OP? 12?

YABU, just for making it an issue there and then. As the adult you should have just got in the back then had a chat about it when the two of you were alone and decided how to go forward.

Yep. You've lost the advantage when you do discuss this with your partner, and you've given SD a win by demonstrating that there's a rift on this issue and that her dad is on her side.

You should have got in the back, then discussed it with him on the way home when you were alone. But as things are, when you try to discuss it he'll focus on your petulance instead of the issue.