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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
Thewheelsarefallingoff · 18/01/2020 17:16

My 9YO DD has been over 135cm for ages. She's tall for her age, but not a giant. She does still sit on a high back though.

Parents in the front and children in the back in this family (and every other family I know).

espressotogo · 18/01/2020 17:16

I’m with you OP, adults get to sit in the front over children. It’s basic manners and respect.

Oldishusernewname · 18/01/2020 17:17

Ooh this is a divisive one!

I think YANBU actually, I wouldn't want to sit in the back either. I have two six foot plus sons and they refuse point blank to sit in the front if there are two adults even when I offer. They wouldn't dream of it, it's never been made a big deal of (or even mentioned that I remember) it's just basic respect to them. We drove our son 200 miles home from uni with a broken leg and a big fracture boot on and he still wouldn't let either of us sit in the back. Daft bugger but quite sweet really

SunshineCake · 18/01/2020 17:17

When ds2 saw I was going out with him and dh he said oh as he was about to sit in the front and hadn't realised I was going too. I said it was fine as I wasn't fussed about sitting in the front.

I voted YANBU but I do feel you made a huge deal out of something minor when you are clearly annoyed with him about his parenting choices and instead of discussing it are being PA.

Nixee2231 · 18/01/2020 17:17

I had a stepmother like you and she is the reason my dad and I haven't had contact in 20 years. You were petty, childish and vindictive and I hope for the sake of that poor kid that it was a one off situation and that is not how you usually are with her.

NutRoastNancy · 18/01/2020 17:18

This reply has been deleted

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Drum2018 · 18/01/2020 17:18

Ds sits in the front if we are going on a particular journey as he'd feel sick in the back. Last time we went Dh drove so I was in the back, and on the way home I drove so Dh sat in the back. Ds was on his booster in the front. No big deal where anyone sits.

champagneandfromage50 · 18/01/2020 17:18

How bizarre that grown adults would be happy to sit in the back seat if their DC was already in the car. I have been picked up by my DH with my 10yr old in the front and their promptly told to move to the back seat. I have jumped in the back if it's a short journey but not if it was a fair distance. Maybe the folks on here saying YABU are saying jt because your the girlfriend and not the mum. Funny enough I don't see many wife's sitting in the back seat whilst a 9yr DC is in the front

Upstartcrones · 18/01/2020 17:18

angelmum6 that's really sad, your grandparents sound amazing though!

There seems to be more going on here. You don't seem to like his DDs very much and today's incident will have been noted by them. Suspect he may well be reflecting on the incident too.

It was a power play pure and simple and it blew up in your face. You've made yourself look a bit of a tit.

Whether kids should sit in the front or back is actaully irrelevant. You should have addressed the issue calmly at a later date not had a tizzy about it in front of then all. They will have been talking about it all the way back and it will have created an issue.

Sounds like you are having second thoughts though so it might have brought things to a head anyway.

Hidingtonothing · 18/01/2020 17:19

See I'm torn on this one because by and large it does make sense to me for adults to go in the front, kids in the back, it's safer for the kids, more legroom for the adult etc and there is also an element of respect/ the done thing there for me too.

But, and it's a big but, I watched my niece, who had sat in the front of her dads car ever since her parents split up, get completely 'demoted' by his new GF who made it very clear she wouldn't be 'second best'. She went on to be the absolute SM from hell for the next 10 years until DB eventually saw the light and divorced her, his relationship with his DD will never be what it could have been without her in the picture though.

So it's sometimes about something much bigger than just a seat, I obviously have no idea whether that's the case here or not but it seems like something you need to talk to your DP about so you know where you stand. It's right that he is considering his DC's feelings though if that is what's going on, I'm assuming you don't want them to feel pushed out on your behalf?

BlackBlueBell · 18/01/2020 17:19

Yabu. You acted like a child about it, it’s a seat, dd was already in the car so why should she have to get out and sit in the back? Surely that’s just unnecessary hassle and you probably made her feel awkward about it.

PositiveVibez · 18/01/2020 17:19

I think it's very weird to want someone to get out of a car they're already in and change to a different seat. That seems more like bad manners to me!

Agree

Get out the front DD, someone more important needs to claim the throne of the car.

Absolutely pathetic.

I think it's pretty pathetic to go with him anyway tbh.

It's very pub dj taking his girlfriend to his gig to sit at the sidelines.

AiryFairyMum · 18/01/2020 17:20

You were doing him a favour by accompanying him. He was ungrateful, so you didn't go. Sounds fair enough to me. I had the same with an ex - he'd jump in the front of his dad's car when we were offered a lift with them, leaving me and his mum to sit in the back. His mum was used to it, but I was mortified he didn't offer her the front seat in her own car. I always thought of him as a spoilt brat after that.

NameNumber5 · 18/01/2020 17:21

You had offered to go on a journey you didn't need to go on, just to keep your DP company. You would not be much company for him sat in the back, so you decided not to go and YANBU!

He is showing you he is willing to put his dad's wishes before yours & that is OK. And you are showing him that in that instance you might change your plans and that is OK too!

I would have a chat and agree between you as adults how you handle situations like this because otherwise the dd are witnessing conflict and may either be upset or (more likely!) smell weakness and decide to divide and conquer...

QuixoticQuokka · 18/01/2020 17:21

I'm not bothered about going - he likes me to go along as it means he has company on the way back. So you get the front seat on the way back anyway? I'd expect one of the children to travel in the front to spend more time with their dad in that scenario. They are his children he has limited time with, of course they should come first.

Highonpotandused · 18/01/2020 17:21

YANBU. I suspect if you were their mum you would have got very different responses.

How do your dc react to your DP sitting in the front?

NameNumber5 · 18/01/2020 17:22

*dd's

lisag1969 · 18/01/2020 17:22

Of course he's going to give into her, he doesn't want live with her and wants her to be happy with him and she wants to sit next to him and spend time being close to him. She is only 9.
It won't last forever. Maybe you should not go there when they are their and give them time on their own with him. X

CherryPavlova · 18/01/2020 17:23

I find it really odd that anyone would think a child took precedence over an adult for the front car seat. I’m entirely with you OP. The child should have moved automatically.

SunshineCake · 18/01/2020 17:23

What have you done for her to respect you ?

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 18/01/2020 17:23

www.healthline.com/health/when-can-a-child-sit-in-the-front-seat

www.cdc.gov/injury/features/child-passenger-safety/index.html

saferide4kids.com/blog/can-children-sit-in-the-front-seat-car/

135cm is not tall enough to be safe in the front if there's an airbag

People under 150cm (4 feet 11) are not safe in the front. People without a mature skeleton aren't either, so even an unusually tall 9 year old shouldn't be in the front seat.

135cm isn't a magical height, it's just the minimum height at which UK law allows children to travel without a car seat.

ChangeInTime · 18/01/2020 17:25

Cannot believe some of the replies on here no wonder we are producing armies of useless brats!

I know. Imagine being such an entitled twat that you demand that someone who was already in the seat be moved and then throw a tantrum when the driver says no.

Branleuse · 18/01/2020 17:25

I wouldnt go along for a ride to keep someone company just to sit in the back. No way.

If i needed a lift somewhere I possibly would, or if there was a specific reason for kid being in front, such as to prevent squabbling with another kid in the back, but just for the sake of going for a ride, id rather stay home. YANBU.
Kids dont get to call shotgun over a parent

HuggedTrees · 18/01/2020 17:25

YABU.
I hate this “I’m the adult do as I say” respect bulshit for age my MIL pulls. Respect is earned and not automatic because you are older and an arsehole

Oysterbabe · 18/01/2020 17:25

This is his contact time, he wants to maximise it and speak to his daughter.