to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

[Fauxfurrealwhiskey]

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

How silly. So your arthritic grandfather has to scramble into the back seat, with less legroom, because a kid shrieks, “I call shotgun”

Has Op got mobility problems?

The OP was not being childish; she was actually calmly and assertively stating her boundaries. She no longer wanted to make the trip and was perfectly entitled to go back indoors and find something else to do

Actually what she did was let a nine year old know that she wasn’t happy with her sitting next to her own father.

She shouldnt pass on adult ego issues on to children to deal with.

We’ve moved on from discussing the specific circumstances of the OP to dissecting the ludicrous “shotgun” idea that has been invoked on this thread multiple times. Do try to keep up.

I do understand the OP. As an example, in my husbands culture the front seat of the car is always reserved for the person who basically 'deserves' the most amount of respect and consideration. Sounds strange but essentially what this means is, whenever we have travelled in a car with an older Auntie, grandma, uncle or his mum or dad, I am always relegated to the back seat. It would be seen as super disrespectful for me to sit in the front. I go along with it because they are usually significantly older than me and I think it is probably more comfortable for them anyway.

Anyway, knowing this custom, I would feel a bit disrespected if my husbands youngest sister (a good 15 years younger than me) was given the front seat on a long car journey and I was put in the back. Similarly, if a young child were in the front seat, I'd fully expect them to move for me just as I do for older relatives. But as I mentioned at the outset, it is cultural! There are similar rules in my husbands family about who gets the largest piece of meat at dinner etc! Perhaps the OP is also from a similar background?

I voted yabu with the assumption you are older than 10yo and thus should be behaving like an adult in a situation like this

I see the vote is very close... may I suggest that those of us saying YANBU are the ones who have lived the consequences of a DP giving way too much ‘power’ to their child. OP whether on reflection you think yourself unreasonable or not, there’s a bigger picture here. Your DP has good intentions but he is utterly misguided and deluded. Car seat positions are a good metaphor - don’t find yourself taking a back seat to his kids in any way, shape or form. They’ll never respect you or their father’s relationship with you & eventually there’ll be mutual resentment.

Really? Over a seat?

Not sure if anyone has mentioned that if the OP had dressed as a pirate then that is automatic shotgun - maybe something to think about next time OP.

I have a 10 year old who likes to sit in the front. If I was a part time parent taking him home I wouldn't ask him to sit in the back so my boyfriend could sit in the front, just wouldn't seem right and it would bother me that another adult was being so childish and controlling so I understand how he feels.

We’ve moved on from discussing the specific circumstances of the OP to dissecting the ludicrous “shotgun” idea that has been invoked on this thread multiple times. Do try to keep up

I posted three minutes after yours - are you always this intense? Why are you referencing arthritic grandparents when OP is nether?

Oh wombat I’ve just realised! Your the one that got confused over my post last night. Are you honestly still holding a grudge

Brilliant!!!

I think walking away back to the house after being denied a seat is childish. I full heartedly agree with WearywithTeens.

His/Her reasoning is perfect. OP was joining the journey adult or not the people in the car already take precedence UNLESS there are medical problems.

And btw wombat just because adults dont take priority over children in some households does nit automatically mean they make adult decisions. They are viewed as individuals. Children are human mat second rate citizens. Yes boundaries are required but the OP and half the PPs are ridiculous.

His children will ALWAYS take precedence over any woman. The way any parent feels. Children first, partner second and all else later

I hope he breaks up with you.

Ooooh thanks to the PP who mentioned @mumsnet_madness. I am now following on Twitter

Don’t worry, PGTips. I don’t hold grudges against posters who don’t really understand the arguments (and, in your case, who chose to bore us all with anecdotes about your own children after answering a question a different poster addressed to somebody else).

It was funny when you decided that I was confused, though.

However, when you derail the thread, as you did this evening, by entirely misunderstanding the direction it has taken, I’m happy to help you with comprehension. I see it as a community service.

Here’s another thing that’s funny. Some of the posters arguing your side of the debate have poured some pretty serious spite on to the OP. Interesting that you don’t consider any of them ‘intense’!

YANBU

@CallmeAngelina

Ffs, another tiresome "shotgun" claim.

Shotgun is a stupid game played by children, which invariably causes dangerous rushing and ensuing fights.

It is NOT something to declare as valid when an adult is involved.

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! 😂

The most hilarious thing about this ^ is that you are actually serious, and you do actually believe this pile of crap you're spouting! All the LOLz!!!

At first glance, some will/have said ‘childish’. I would have got on in the back for the journey there and got in the front coming fine and spoke to DP about it. (Uncomfortable with knees around ears, safer for children in back etc).

Anyway, I might have handled it differently but I would have been slightly miffed, but as the saying goes - ‘girl, you gotta pick your battles!’ . At the end of the day with this battle, they don’t see each other all the time and he might have been missing her.

@PGtipsplease

Don't try and argue with @Iamthewombat coz she is so superior in power and knowledge and so above us all, that we should be bowing to her, and then standing in awe at her supreme genius and how right she always is...

All hail the wombat. For she is the all-knowing oracle!

@dimdarkashian

It was me who pointed out this is on mumsnet madness. And you are welcome.

Why should his daughter get out of the car and back in again? Why can’t you just —grow up and — get in?

If you want to be Queen Bee find yourself a man without kids, you sound pathetic moaning about where your arse should be.

You weren't being unreasonable, although I don't think I'd have gone back inside the house to prove your point. Given you'd already agreed to go on the journey, if I was you I'd probably have sucked it up this once, then mentioned it to DP once his DD had gone home.

I had a similar situation with DSS once. From a child's perspective, they DO see it as getting one up on you as an "interloper" in their relationship, despite the fact you aren't. I have firm boundaries, and made the point to DP afterwards. DP said he didn't realise, because like your DP, he was weighed down by the guilt of not living with his child, so was bending over backwards to do whatever he thought would please him.

@karalou2 NO conversations should be going on between a child and a driver that are going to be 'difficult'. We don't know this child but at 9, being openly given preference over an adult, she'd have made sure she filled every second with 9 year old chatter, just to hog the conversation and rub in how important she is.

Wow. That really sounds quite unhinged. She is just a 9 year old little girl wanting to be in the front with her dad, and you are ascribing adult motives to her. It really sounds batshit and quite unhinged and venomous.

@towers14 You are only getting a mauling as you're a step parent.

She is not even a step parent. She is just his girlfriend, just someone she has been dating. They don't even live together. So in that light, of course his children come first before dad's current girlfriend.