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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
halcyondays · 19/01/2020 18:38

However gets there first gets the front seat if they want it and stays in it. It doesn’t matter if they’re an adult or not. The only exception to this rule is if you’re picking up someone with mobility problems then they get to sit in the front.

nzginge86 · 19/01/2020 18:38

YABU
Imagine how it would have made his child feel if she was made to move seats to accommodate your preferences over hers especially when she was already sat there. Try to think of how a child would emotionally interpret that situation.

TheMemoryLingers · 19/01/2020 18:40

I've never considered this before, but it's striking how rarely you see an adult male in the back of a car.

Iamthewombat · 19/01/2020 18:40

Im.beginning to wonder if anyone reads fairy stories with a stepmother theme anymore? The point of these stories is that stepmothers who want to come first with their man often come to a sticky end. Wise to understand that before any committment.

Take note, any woman who dares to be in a relationship with a man who has had children with somebody else. Unless you are subservient to the wishes of those children and their mother for the rest of your life, you will come to a sticky end. Know your place at the bottom of the pecking order.

Because life is just like a fairy story isn’t it? Especially for idiots who are swept off their feet by what they imagine is a fairy tale romance (AKA a one night stand) and live happily ever after. Or all those people waiting for Prince Charming to rescue them.

Susan1961 · 19/01/2020 18:44

I think you should be in the front, respect our elders 😉

Menmy3 · 19/01/2020 18:44

In my house we take it in turns to go in the front.... it’s never my turn Grin

towers14 · 19/01/2020 18:45

I would absolutely not expect to sit in the back for an hour journey, with a 9 yr old in the front and I would not expect my friends or adult family members to. Your Dp should have shown you some respect. You are only getting a mauling as you're a step parent. I'm sure in reality most adults would expect to take priority over young children with regards to the pecking order in a car.

Bathsheba1878 · 19/01/2020 18:46

People seem to be ignoring the fact that the OP has children herself and that she said, if the situation were reversed, she would not expect her boyfriend to travel in the back just because one of her children fancied being in the front. After two years together that situation has probably arisen on some occasions. She is showing her children that her boyfriend is an adult who deserves respect yet she is not receiving the same courtesy in return. Children are well aware that the norm is for adults to travel in the front and kids in the back - looking at the occupants of other cars on any long journey would confirm this. For the OP to be made to travel in the back (particularly as she was only going along to keep her boyfriend company in the first place) would say a lot about how she is regarded and both children would pick up on that.

Susan1961 · 19/01/2020 18:46

What she said.

Iamthewombat · 19/01/2020 18:48

Lol I have to laugh. All that, simply because I believe children come before dad's current girlfriend, who may or may not still be there in 5 years time.

No. My parents were married 49 years until my father passed away in 2016. It was their only marriage for each of them. My husband and I have been together for 22 years. Two children (son, daughter) and have been together all that time.

Oh dear. A bit paranoid about your husband’s potential future girlfriends, are you? Why the bile against stepmothers, or women who might become stepmothers (the OP has after all been seeing her partner for two years), otherwise?

Incidentally, you won’t find any posts from me insisting on a particular pecking order. You will find that I expect the OP’s partner to show her courtesy and not expect her to always defer to the needs of his kids.

Incidentally, I’m not surprised that the OP hasn’t been back. Perhaps she wasn’t expecting the tide of spite that usually engulfs women who are in relationships with men who have children with somebody else.

WarrenNicole · 19/01/2020 18:48

If it was dad’s mum, dad’s dad, dad’s friend, dad’s work colleague or any other non- romantic partner in dad’s life, then it would be fine for the DD to move for them to to sit in the front. But when it’s dad’s girlfriend, she has to sit in the back and “know her place”.

The attitude towards women (new partners and stepmothers, specifically) on MN is shameful.

Noti23 · 19/01/2020 18:50

Well, a 9 year old should be in the back for safety reasons.

Generally, I think whoever’s the smallest should go in the back- and I’m saying that as a petite person.

karalou2 · 19/01/2020 18:52

(Cont') placed firmly down the pecking order in the relationship....
I'm not saying for one moment that dd2 should be placed down the pecking order. I'm sure she really misses her DD and wants to spend every moment she can with him. But maybe her sister does too. Seems to me there was a reason the marriage broke down and it could be that DBF isn't very good at seeing what's in front of him. Or doesn't want to.
Think carefully before continuing on this path....

QueSera · 19/01/2020 18:55

Rampant cow. And that's putting it very mildly.

She was already in the car. She sees her DF part-time so they may want to chat.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 19/01/2020 18:57

Jeez l totally agree with you OP - absolute no brainer you should have sat in the front and 9 year old sits where she is told!!! Unless she suffers with travel sickness but otherwise no way! Not on my watch! And l am a stepmother who believes they have more respect for you when you put boundaries like this in place

GiveHerHellFromUs · 19/01/2020 18:59

@Fishfingersandwichplease not being goafy at all - genuine question:

When you were just dating your SC's father, would you have done what OP did and try to overrule him, or would you have respected his parenting decision and picked it up with him later?

Chochito · 19/01/2020 19:00

You sound petty (based on this incident), OP.

Yes, YABU.

FizzyPink · 19/01/2020 19:02

So what was the outcome OP? Presumably you’ve seen DP since the incident?

Lou12124 · 19/01/2020 19:08

YABU. unless you have a health condition or find it difficult to get in the back of the car then why not sit in the back? I think you're just setting yourself up to fail where his kids are concerned

DanceItOut · 19/01/2020 19:11

Honestly I would have got in the back and then brought it up with DP on the way home if it bothered me rather than strop and refuse to go Infront of his kids because IF you one day become these kids stepmother it's important that they see you act like a grown up not a child and for them not to know how easy it is to wind you up for those times they feel like testing you. You weren't unreasonable to feel like adults get first dibs in the front but how you dealt with it was childish.

katewhinesalot · 19/01/2020 19:13

YANBU
If you'd done it this time then that would be it forever more.

Buggritbuggrit · 19/01/2020 19:30

@Casiloco I don’t disagree. It just seems like a level of selflessness is expected from female partners of people with kids, that just isn’t from male partners. For instance, the man getting into the back seat while the daughter sits in front is something that I’ve honestly never seen. And I live in an affluent, well educated, ‘liberal urban bubble’ bit of London. So, I was wondering what other people’s thoughts/experiences were.

Aglet · 19/01/2020 19:30

Oh how childish you are. DO NOT pit him against his kids because you will lose. You will also show him there is no future in your relationship.

XingMing · 19/01/2020 19:32

In manners terms, the eldest lady who is not driving sits in the front seat. So my DM or DMIL always rides shotgun, and has her door opened and closed for her by the youngest in the party. The doors are usually bigger so it's easier if the older passenger isn't very mobile.

Motherofasleepaphobe · 19/01/2020 19:36

😂😂😂

This is a joke right? You wanted someone who was already sitting in the car to move so you could sit where you wanted to?

And you should have priority over his child because she is a child? Thank god you’re not living together