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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
saraclara · 19/01/2020 17:48

I'm astonished that nearly 50% of posters think you were reasonable to have this argument in front of the child and refuse to go.

I can only hope that many of them simply thought it was unreasonable for you not to have the front seat. Which is a different question altogether.

MyNewBearTotoro · 19/01/2020 17:51

There is a lot less leg room in the back so I think it’s reasonable for adults to sit in the front over young children. If his DD was older (and therefore taller) I’d think it was reasonable for her to be in the front but not at 9, I think you were fine to decline the ride.

TheMemoryLingers · 19/01/2020 17:51

you were reasonable to have this argument in front of the child and refuse to go.

OP doesn't say she argued in front of the child. The child was in the car, in the front seat. OP says this happened 'As I approached the car'.

StinkyWizleteets · 19/01/2020 17:51

Had the child been a teenager I may have thought the OP was being unreasonable but a 9 year old child sitting in the front for an hour long journey isn’t the safest place for them.

WhiteCat1704 · 19/01/2020 17:54

You should have told your boyfriend you will drive and he can seat in the back with his other daughter:).

Also YANBU

TrixieMixie · 19/01/2020 17:56

YANBU. I’m in my fifties but when in the car with my Mam and Dad the three of us I still sit in the back as I am still their child ... albeit a rather old one!
But this isn’t about sitting in the front seat, is it? There’s a lot more going on....

Lavinia2013 · 19/01/2020 18:04

Ahhhh the delightful MN.... as a step mother you will always be in the wrong on here!!
YANBU....
He should have told his DD to get in the back

Honestyisalwaysthebestpolicy · 19/01/2020 18:05

YANBU - do people not teach kids basic manners these days. My kids wouldn’t dream of taking the front seat when there’s an adult that can sit in the front. Even as an adult myself I give up my front seat when my mother or mother in law is in the car, it’s called respecting your elders.

SirGawain · 19/01/2020 18:06

Get a life!

BilboBercow · 19/01/2020 18:07

OP is gone but it sounds very much like she's trying to make a statement to a 9 year old that she's more important than her.
Making a stand over a car seat is only going to alienate the DD.

Scotland32 · 19/01/2020 18:08

Crikey you are getting a hard time. I’m with you though. In my life, parents get priority in the front seat. Not if it was someone with car sickness but definitely somebody like his DD who is obviously trying to exert control over her dad - and you.
It sounds like he is on a dangerous journey if he basically lets her do whatever she wants and dictate what others do. That would be more of an issue in my head than anything else.

saraclara · 19/01/2020 18:09

OP doesn't say she argued in front of the child. The child was in the car, in the front seat. OP says this happened 'As I approached the car'

Thanks @TheMemoryLingers I remembered incorrectly. I think whether or not the child was aware of the conversation does make a difference. Maybe the OP will come back at some point and clarify that. I'm happy to change my opinion if it turns out the DD was oblivious.

BloggersNetwork · 19/01/2020 18:09

You had an opportunity here to be playful about the whole thing. Breezily sitting at the back, maybe hugging her shoulders and saying 'hello co-pilot!', and being lighthearted about the whole thing. Instead, you tried to assert your position of power over a child. I think you made an utter fool of yourself because you let your pride get in the way.

Havingtwinsat40 · 19/01/2020 18:11

If the kids were with dad full time then yes I would expect the kids to move but that was on her time with her dad and you were wrong to make demands at a time when he done the right thing by prioritizing what little time he had left with his daughter

FordPrefect42 · 19/01/2020 18:12

YANBU, children should sit in the back if their parents are in the car, adults should get priority and the amount of times I’ve seen smug children sat in the passenger seat while their much taller parents who need the space are stuck in the back really gets on my goat.

Unless the child in question is much taller than you and needs the leg room she should suck it up and let you sit there.

ThisMumisaMan · 19/01/2020 18:16

My DW and myself have 3 little monsters who love the front seat of the car DD10, DD8 and DS6. 90% of the time on trips of less than 90 minutes or so, they'll occupy the front seat and one of us will be in the back. Same applies to any of their friends, particularly if they've not travelled with us before, we let them have the front so they feel a bit more relaxed... and the 'bum warmers' go down very well on a cold day too! My kids even have their own imaginary rota for front seat duty, they only fight when it's cold, mainly due to the afore mentioned heated seat.

Paintedmaypole · 19/01/2020 18:23

I am an adult, not a child Are you sure?? YABU

housemdwaswrong · 19/01/2020 18:27

YANBU.

Vynalbob · 19/01/2020 18:29

Chances are it was promised beforehand as kids squabble and he is now thinking crikey should I ask for a DOB.

Pogo87 · 19/01/2020 18:29

I'm sorry but I think you have just cut your nose off to spite your face.
I don't like the concept "I'm an adult therefore I automatically get what I want and your a child so you don't" when she grows up to be an adult she won't respect you one bit.
Ask yourself if they had been sat in the garden and his daughter had been sat on a two seater bench next to her father would you have expected her to move...? Your trying to stamp your authority as the most important person in her dad's life... That's the way she will see it.
If she has this time with her father then you should not go and tell him that if he wanrs you to then he should have asked his daughter if that was okay. Its her time after all.
I advise that if you want to be involved with this man then you should not complain about where you sit. You say it's not princess behaviour but I'm sorry it is. It shows a level of entitleness purely based on physical age and not a level of maturity.

Buggritbuggrit · 19/01/2020 18:30

To all of you who think she should have just got in the back, if a woman went to pick up her male partner with her kids in the car, would you expect him to jump in the back with kid no 2, get the shotgun seat, or some other arrangement? I’m genuinely interested.

FaveNumberIs2 · 19/01/2020 18:32

I’m with you, op. Children are safer in the back and it’s also a mark of respect for the child to move into the back - or at least offer - when an adult gets in part way through a journey.

Casiloco · 19/01/2020 18:34

buggrit
In answer to your question as to whether a male partner would/should sit in the back in the same scenario , yes absolutely.

The whole thing is petty and childish.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 19/01/2020 18:35

It's weird how many people are blaming the child when it was her dad who gave her permission to sit there and her dad who told OP that that was the case.

The child has done nothing wrong.

No doubt someone will tell me the child asked to sit there as some kind of power play but there's a clear power struggle and the other participant is an adult.

karalou2 · 19/01/2020 18:37

One answer here just about said it all on why children should sit in the back of a car. Your partner clearly panders to his dd. The comment was that DD could chat to DD as it's more difficult from the back seat. NO conversations should be going on between a child and a driver that are going to be 'difficult'. We don't know this child but at 9, being openly given preference over an adult, she'd have made sure she filled every second with 9 year old chatter, just to hog the conversation and rub in how important she is. Her future doesn't bode well. All those saying she was there first - how childish is that? Out of respect for his girlfriend and for the safety of all in the car, dd2 should have been in the back.
Ok, I agree it wasn't ideal if a fuss was made in front of the child. It might have been better to withdraw without a word and leave him to it. Then on future, decide beforehand the seating arrangements My suggestion would be to dump him and find a man who'll stand up for you and not pander to a spoilt 9 year old. He may think she pulls rank as she's his child but he's teaching her nothing about respect for adults. A huge problem in society in general. I really don't think this man is for you. You have totally different values. Your life would be hell, constantly being