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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 19/01/2020 15:17

@SaphfireRose

It is a classic power play by the OP.

Or the DD.

SaphfireRose · 19/01/2020 15:18

Are women on here really saying they would choose their boyfriends over their children? Really? Don't answer that. I would have said of course you won't, but being on MN has shown me that some people do put their current boyfriend before their children. Sad So, I already know the answer.

SaphfireRose · 19/01/2020 15:21

@KatherineJaneway Nope, if the girls rarely sit at the front, and one of them is there, and the girlfriend is invited along basically as an extra (I was going to say interloper but that's not the exact word, I can't think of the word I mean), and the reason for the trip is to return the girls from an access visit, then the trip is for and about the DC, not the girlfriend. Girlfriend had no need to even go. She was just trying to make a point and push in and over the kids, spitefully.

CallMeOnMyCell · 19/01/2020 15:23

Grow up OP Hmm I would never begrudge my DSS sitting in the front so he could chat to his dad, it’s nice for both of them, particularly as we only get to see him every other weekend. You could have just got in the front for the journey back.

KatherineJaneway · 19/01/2020 15:25

@SaphfireRose

OP was invited along, hence she was a guest and therefore gets to ride up front.

Genevieva · 19/01/2020 15:26

Whenever I have more than one child in the car they sit in the back together, even if that means that the front passenger seat is empty. It is good manners, avoids arguments over whose turn it is and enables them to communicate with each other more easily. Otherwise one is in the front having a chat with me, while the other is left out.

When I was growing up we had a spinster aunt who didn't drive. She would always take the front passenger seat, leaving my mother to sit in the back if my father was driving. What narked my mother was that she never asked if it was OK. So I understand your emotions to some extent, though I would probably have agreed a different approach for next time, rather than having a stand off. To be honest, I would imagine that you have better things to do with your time than spend two hours in a car for no reason.

chamenanged · 19/01/2020 15:28

Girlfriend had no need to even go.

Quite. And guess what!

Greenwingmemories · 19/01/2020 15:28

I kind of think I'd naturally leave a couple to sit next to each other. So if my son and his future fiancé came and picked me up, I wouldn't expect to sit in the front seat. But if we're driving my son, he sits in the back, even though he's an adult.

I'd be the same if it was a friend's car, I'd always assume I'd be in the back if it was a couple, but wouldn't expect their children to be in the front over me. For instance, my boys always go in the back if I drive my sister anywhere.

There is a hierarchy to these things and I can understand why you were irritated, especially if he generally gives in to his daughter about things. However, you might have handled it better by speaking to him about it afterwards.

PGtipsplease · 19/01/2020 15:31

rum So why didn't he tell her that, or say 'sorry, DD needs to sit there today - I'll explain later'? The reason he gave the OP was that 'she wants to sit there

But why should he have to explain where he wants his daughter to sit?

When I met dh my dd was 14. If we had picked him up on route it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to tell dd to get out and get in the back. It would be different however if we all set off together. If dh had behaved like this I’d have seen it as a red flag tbh and I’m sure I’d have posters on here tell me to run for the hills.

I think the OP at this point felt directly in competition with the dd. And tbh going of her posts about dads relationship with his dd it seems like their is more too it. I doubt this is the first time OP has ‘raised issues’

Alicatz66 · 19/01/2020 15:32

I'm with you OP .. YANBU ..

SaphfireRose · 19/01/2020 15:32

@KatherineJaneway Wrong. She got invited to tag along with a father and two daughters. Some one else's family that she has no part of. She had no right to sit anywhere.

VenusTiger · 19/01/2020 15:34

Have read this thread literally word for word several months ago.

OP, adult, dog, cat, budgie, child in the front when car approaches, means you act like a respectful adult and climb into the back seat. Teach the kids manners not how to rule over other people because you're older.

Mumbassa · 19/01/2020 15:34

I agree with a PP that you do seem a bit jealous?. I don’t understand why you kicked off, you could’ve just put up and shut up for the journey and then discussed it when you were on your own. It seems childish to me.

KatherineJaneway · 19/01/2020 15:35

@SaphfireRose

Not wrong, just different opinion.

PGtipsplease · 19/01/2020 15:36

There is a hierarchy to these things

Why though? Why does letting a child sit in the front point to disrespect? Why does one person feel they have to be seen as higher in stature than another? Why would this child need to be shown her dads girlfriend should be afforded more respect than her?

I’m baffled to be honest at some of these archaic beliefs entrenched egotistical pecking order.

SaphfireRose · 19/01/2020 15:37

If we had picked him up on route it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to tell dd to get out and get in the back. It would be different however if we all set off together. If dh had behaved like this I’d have seen it as a red flag tbh and I’m sure I’d have posters on here tell me to run for the hills.

Well said! I was going to say I think OP's boyfriend should run for the hills, considering she seem determined to compete with his two children and push them out - chickened out. The OP's behaviour would surely make any make run for the hills. And of course, a woman run for the hills if in reverse and a male expected his girlfriend to put him before her children. OP comes across as being 'that' type of stepmum if they get married.

LilQueenie · 19/01/2020 15:41

yabu its a seat in the car. Maybe his daughter wants more time with him instead of being pushed to the back because if that is how you see it why shouldn't she. grow up.

chamenanged · 19/01/2020 15:44

But why should he have to explain where he wants his daughter to sit?

He doesn't have to explain himself, and in return she doesn't have to do what he wants, as she has demonstrated.

She got invited to tag along with a father and two daughters. Some one else's family that she has no part of. She had no right to sit anywhere.

Seems you're struggling to square your stepmother dislike with the facts of the matter. OP didn't try and invoke a right to sit anywhere, she invoked a right to not bother.

Lndnmummy · 19/01/2020 15:45

OP, that was childish and unreasonable. If I saw my children ever other week and my youngest wanted to make the most of the last few minutes with me I’d seriously rethink my relationship with you if you made an issue out of it.

GreenTulips · 19/01/2020 15:47

The OP's behaviour would surely make any make run for the hills

Woman refuses to be treated like shit and do as she’s told. Shock horror!

Iamthewombat · 19/01/2020 15:49

It should be flesh and blood first, girlfriend last.

Yes it is horrible to say that a girlfriend should come first above a man's own children. It is an abhorrent thing to say!

I would NEVER consider myself more important than a man's children

So the OP is far down the pecking order

I would know my place.

You’re very keen on pecking orders and places, aren’t you? As well as the ‘flesh and blood should always his top priority’ idea.

Let me guess. Your parents split, your father remarried and you are still sulking about it. And/or you’ve split with the father of your children and can’t bear the idea of another woman being equally as important as your kids. In fact, you’d prefer it if your ex never became involved with another woman.

I’m afraid that I don’t buy into the idea that somebody’s ‘flesh and blood’ should always come first. If my husband routinely prioritised the needs of his mother or brother or uncle or cousin above mine, I wouldn’t be happy about it. But presumably you would; they are his ‘flesh and blood’ after all.

Perhaps you just meant kids. I still don’t agree. When you marry somebody, you become a partnership. I wouldn’t enter into a partnership with somebody who insisted that I always follow rules set by somebody who isn’t part of the partnership, whoever they were.

SaphfireRose · 19/01/2020 15:51

Seems you're struggling to square your stepmother dislike with the facts of the matter. OP didn't try and invoke a right to sit anywhere, she invoked a right to not bother.

Not true. OP kicked off and decided not to go (the girls probably internally sighed with relief), just because one of his children was in the front.

Iamthewombat · 19/01/2020 15:51

I think OP's boyfriend should run for the hills, considering she seem determined to compete with his two children and push them out

As if by magic.

TheMemoryLingers · 19/01/2020 15:52

Are women on here really saying they would choose their boyfriends over their children?

I can't find a single post where anyone has said that.

It's something of a leap from 'I'd offer my friend/boyfriend/girlfriend the front seat of the car rather than my children' to 'I'd choose my boyfriend over my children' without qualification.

SaphfireRose · 19/01/2020 15:52

GreenTulips

Sure you didn't mean man doesn't allow girlfriend to treat his daughters like shit.

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