to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

[Fauxfurrealwhiskey]

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

Easier, yes, but hardly to any great extent.

As has been said several times on the thread, assuming the parties involved are within an average size range for a 9 year old girl and an adult woman, the OP will have a greater need for the space and legroom afforded by the front seat, than the 9 year old.

Except that she'd be more likely to survive a crash without life changing injuries obviously...

Total non-issue in isolation.
You have made it clear that you think he is letting his child get away with anything, so I suspect this is just the final straw.
I have voted YABU though, as this in particular is not a problem. Having a chat with the child the only gets to see on certain days is not spoiling a child. If anything, it is healthy to give a child attention instead of giving in on silly requests.

I would guess a healthy adult would be more robust in the event of an accident than a child, and if the worst came to the worst, would have less lifetime ahead to be affected by life-changing injuries, so that's another reason for the adult to sit in front.

I think it just all boils down to ego really doesn’t it.

I really wouldn’t begrudge a child sitting next to her dad before she goes with out seeing him for a while.

I wonder where the OP is?

For those saying you would happily sit in the backseat to keep your DC happy/engaged etc, yes that makes sense bec they are your DC. You are their mother. I did this all the time when mine were younger.

But OP is not even the stepmother to these girls. She is the non-live-in partner of the girls' father. She should not be relegated to the backseat (except car sickness, which is not the case). She's good enough for the front seat on the way back but not on the way there?? Unless there was a prior discussion that's a bit crap.

And I think that if either girl gets to sit up next to dad, it should be the 11yo. For me it's an age thing.

Yanbu! A child expecting to sit in the front over an adult is being a little madam and I would have no patience with it, either.

So the father and daughter shouldn't be able to sit together and talk even 50% of the time? The father has an access visit. The girlfriend (not partner) can see him whenever she wants. It should be flesh and blood first, girlfriend last.

Which would be my cue to get the hell out of there on a very fast train.

What a horrible way to talk about anyone.

@cordelia16 sounds to me like she hasn't earned the children's respect so why should she get the front seat, especially by your logic?

Why should girlfriend take priority over the child you only see once a week?

@TheMemoryLingers The whole legroom argument is a load of bs. As I said previously, unless her legs are unusually long, she should have enough room in the back. One wonders how she would cope on a bus, or a plane or a train, if she cannot sit in the back (where she can stretch out, so actually, she gets more room) for half the journey.

Leaving aside issues of size, comfort, health and safety for a moment, there's a wider point about learning to consider others.

If a child is brought up to be indulged routinely with the best seat in the car and similar, at what point do they learn that sometimes you have to put others first? When all the children who expect to have the best of everything grow up to be adults, a never-ending battle of entitlement is going to rage, as none of them will have a clue why they should not get the best of everything, or even that others might want it.

I'm not saying children should never be given the front seat ahead of adults, but it needs to be seen as a privilege, not a right - a reward or a treat, not how things are.

You sound a little jealous to me OP.
I don't think it's a big deal. Maybe your OH wanted her to sit in the front so he could spend the last hour he has with her talking which is easier to do when sat in the passenger seat opposed to the back. He probably misses his daughters when he isn't with them.
Also the fact that she was in the car before you imo should mean she has the right to stay there. It's petty. Just because your an adult it doesn't automatically mean she must respect you, people must earn respect and behaving in the way you have done I don't think helps to earn that respect. I hope you have apologised to your OH and cleared the air today.

@cordelia16 But OP is not even the stepmother to these girls. She is the non-live-in partner of the girls' father.

Exactly. So the OP is far down the pecking order and the girls get the front, the OP gets the back.

Cordelia 16 I think that you have a point regarding the older daughter being at the front. However my kids take it in turns, perhaps it was the younger girl's go?
As pp have said, if they had all left at the same time, yes the girlfriend should take precedence, but the child was there first, so unlucky.
In the OP's position I think I would have gone along with it, and perhaps asked that next time he should save the seat for her if she feels strongly about this.
But refusing to go in the car then was a bit ott in my opinion.

The whole legroom argument is a load of bs.

It really isn't. I am 5'3 so not exceptionally tall, and I usually feel cramped in the back seat during a long journey. Yes, you can manage but that isn't the point - if someone is small enough to sit there with no discomfort, then they should do that as opposed to someone larger sitting there in moderate discomfort.

@thejollyroger Yes it is horrible to say that a girlfriend should come first above a man's own children. It is an abhorrent thing to say!

@TheMemoryLingers
The OP said in a pp that the daughter does usually jump out and sit in the back but on this occasion her OH asked her to sit in the back. Who knows DD could have been upset before arriving at OPs house for some reason and therefore OH thought it would be better for her to stay in the front? I don't think just because she has sat in the front one time whilst OP sits in the back it will turn her into an entitled adult who doesn't know wrong from right.

Yes it is horrible to say that a girlfriend should come first above a man's own children. It is an abhorrent thing to say!

Abhorrent - nonsense. If anything, someone who has friend status rather than family status should be entitled to more courtesy - just as you serve your guests first at dinner, and offer them the more comfortable seating or the mug without a chip in it etc.

Although I think the OP's reasoning is silly, in my state the law is a child can't sit in the front seat until age 13. The back seat is safer.

rum So why didn't he tell her that, or say 'sorry, DD needs to sit there today - I'll explain later'? The reason he gave the OP was that 'she wants to sit there'.

@TheMemoryLingers It sounds like the girls rarely get the front seat, and the occasion they do, the OP throws a tantrum. Maybe it's the OP that is spoiled and indulged? If I were still in the dating arena I would NEVER consider myself more important than a man's children, just because I was his girlfriend, or just because I was older than his children. I would know my place. Father and daughters are a family unit. I'm not (or not until I am actually at minimum living with him).

I honestly cannot believe people are stuck on the 'adults first' mindset, and cannot see this in terms of father and two daughters.....+girlfriend.

If I were still in the dating arena I would NEVER consider myself more important than a man's children, just because I was his girlfriend, or just because I was older than his children. I would know my place.

'Know your place'? Oh dear. When I was in the dating arena, children were a deal breaker as far as I was concerned - that kind of expectation is exactly why!

Exactly. So the OP is far down the pecking order and the girls get the front, the OP gets the back.

If the OP was a guest on the journey, then surely politeness would be to give the guest adult the front seat and for the child to sit in the back.

As it is, it was a power play by the DD.

@KatherineJaneway The OP can she the man whenever she wants. His children get limited contact. Common sense says they get the front. It is a classic power play by the OP.

that kind of expectation is exactly why!

Yes. Because it is a natural and fair, and logical expectation that any parent will put their children's needs first, not the boyfriend/girlfriend. Those who simply cannot comprehend this basic etiquette clearly do need to avoid mothers or fathers with children as it's clear they want 100% of the attention 100% of the time and will compete with the children.