Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 19/01/2020 13:10

Head of the table is another thing, my OH’s 9 year old DD always goes there, because she is the one that needs less space. The moment she demands to carve the roast we will send her to the teens side.

From the SP point of view, it is a power thing. I wouldn’t have gone in the car either, and would have given my ex a proper earful if he had allowed DS in the front if there was another adult in the car (actually... I think I have done that already Hmm)

Baboomtsk · 19/01/2020 13:10

I think if you'd been getting into the car at the same time then yes, you should have gotten priority to sit in the front but you would have looked much better just cheerfully going into the back given that she was already seated there. As others have said, it's a novelty/treat for kids to sit in the front.

To have made an issue of it gives the appearance that you see yourself as being in competition with your partner's daughter and are at least a little resentful.

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 19/01/2020 13:12

The head of the table is just the short end though isn't it? It's compulsory to make a half hearted joke about whoever takes that seat at a large rectangular table being "in charge" or chairing the meeting or something isn't it?

That seems to happen in all sorts of contexts.

What is weird is the concept of their actually being a "main adult" ...

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 19/01/2020 13:13

It is not as if OP was jumping in a in a busy junction and he was going to drop them 5 minutes away.

In the above scenario I see no problem, an hour long trip picking up from a normal street... no. I would have asked my kid to move to the back. Adults do a lot of stuff for kids, it is only fair the kids return the courtesy from time to time.

Iamthewombat · 19/01/2020 13:23

Adults do a lot of stuff for kids, it is only fair the kids return the courtesy from time to time.

Nicely put.

PGtipsplease · 19/01/2020 13:24

Even Jesus wasn’t bothered about sitting at the top end of the table Grin

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?
Redglitter · 19/01/2020 13:33

The head of the table is where ever the main adult sits

The main adult??? Who in earth decides who the 'main adult' is???

But that craziness aside that is NOT what the head of the table means

There is no actual 'chair' at the 'head of the table'

There actually is...

TheMemoryLingers · 19/01/2020 13:34

Ha ha! Jesus is occupying what I would call the 'popular' seat at the Last Supper there. In my experience, the seats at the ends of the table usually fall to the awkward, boring people with no mates (i.e. me Grin )

7salmonswimming · 19/01/2020 13:37

I’m the Head of the Table poster.

British people are so weird. You have one of the oldest monarchies in the world, where people literally curtesy and bow to a car containing an old woman (in the back seat).

Your class system is second to none.

And yet children are equal to adults? She got there first?

This country is nuts!

Pop2017 · 19/01/2020 13:40

I’m with you on this one. It may be his daughter but I agree adults in the front, kids in the back. I could not sit in the back as I’ve always got motion sickness which would be a lot worse sat in the back.

TheMemoryLingers · 19/01/2020 13:41

British people are so weird. You have one of the oldest monarchies in the world, where people literally curtesy and bow to a car containing an old woman (in the back seat). our class system is second to none.
And yet children are equal to adults? She got there first?

A bit of a generalisation there! 50% of posters think the OP was NBU (including me).

As for the monarchy, I'm a republican. I would treat the Queen with the courtesy and respect I'd give to any fellow human, but you wouldn't find me curtseying to her or calling her 'Your Majesty'.

HouseOfCrayCray · 19/01/2020 13:43

YABU & probably made his DD feel like crap too, poor kid.

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 19/01/2020 13:46

7salmonswimming I'm not sure quite what you're getting at there - constitutional monarchies should have hierarchical family power structures?

Plenty of British people are not monarchists or have a pragmatic view of the monarchy as an alternative to the president as figurehead/ prime minister as actual head of government set up which many countries have, and as a tourist attraction and bit of living history.

A pragmatic view puts adults in overall charge and makes sensible decisions for minors, allowing them to develop into secure humans by giving them autonomy and little privileges where it's safe and doesn't hurt or inconvenience others.

For me that means no to 9 year old in the front (it's unsafe for her and uncomfortable for a larger person to sit in the back than for a smaller one). It means nobody cares about the "head of the table" though. I've never been in any domestic or free time setting where sitting at the short end of a rectangular table was an honoured or special position.

Redglitter · 19/01/2020 13:47

In our family children arent treated as equal in as much as the parents have the large bedroom with ensuite, if there are more people than seats in the living room the children sit on the floor. The kind of normal adult/child dynamics. But when it comes to dinner theres no hierarchy. We sit where we want. And besides if there was a head of the table who decides which adult member of the family should have that 'honour' bestowed upon them

littleduckeggblue · 19/01/2020 13:50

I'm with you OP.
Adults in the front, children in the back

Scarlettpixie · 19/01/2020 13:54

It is possible that as the OP is not usually on this journey, that one DD goes in the front on the way there and the other on the way back. It probably never crossed his mind that OP would have a problem with sitting in the back for part of the journey. Going on this thread alone, 50% of the population wouldn’t. I wouldn’t.

icannotremember · 19/01/2020 14:08

I think you were BU, but it seems to be a fairly even split between those of us who think it is weird to insist on a certain seat because you are older, and those who think it is weird not to. It's like when people post whining about kids getting seats on buses- I always think what a load of fuss about nothing, get over yourself, but plenty of people will agree that it is wrong for a child to sit in the presence of a standing adult. Clearly there is no objective right or wrong here, but if you are someone who thinks being an adult means you get automatic priority over things like seating and your DP is in the other camp, your relationship could get quite tricky.

Kanga83 · 19/01/2020 14:14

You sound ridiculously childish and petty. She was on her way back to her mums, won't see her dad the rest of the week or two and you probably made her feel rather shit. He said she could sit there and you had a strop over it.

thejollyroger · 19/01/2020 14:20

I think sitting in the front alongside the driver is a privilege that should go to the driver’s partner or adult in the car, not a child. There is more leg room in the front and it enables the adults to converse as peers, and likewise the children.

staceyflack · 19/01/2020 14:28

You made a error of judgement there.
You need to apologise to them both /all for the akwardness and maybe think about counselling for your insecurities. Sorry Flowers

SaphfireRose · 19/01/2020 14:29

@thejollyroger So the father and daughter shouldn't be able to sit together and talk even 50% of the time? The father has an access visit. The girlfriend (not partner) can see him whenever she wants. It should be flesh and blood first, girlfriend last. Especially when the children do n't get to see their father much. Saying adults over kids no exceptions is narrow-minded. If they were actually a couple ie living as a couple or engaged/married, it might be different. But even then, I would say a father-child relationships trumps the non-relative's feelings. Why should some girlfriend take privilege over his own children? She can stretch her legs in the front seat on the way back. What can't a little girl have that last bit of time with her father?

SaphfireRose · 19/01/2020 14:30

@staceyflack Well said!

TheMemoryLingers · 19/01/2020 14:31

So the father and daughter shouldn't be able to sit together and talk even 50% of the time?

How does sitting in the back stop the daughter talking to her father?

SaphfireRose · 19/01/2020 14:32

Really, it's easier to talk sitting next to someone, than behind.

How does sitting in the back affect the girlfriend, other than hurt pride?

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 19/01/2020 14:34

Big sister was in the back. It's pretty unfair on the 11 year old.