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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
Iamthewombat · 19/01/2020 00:42

It’s not un normal to put yourself out for your kids.

These are not the OP’s kids. Why does she have to put herself out? She was doing her partner a favour by even going on the trip.

He should have put himself out by dropping the Disney dad charade for once and putting up with his nine year old daughter’s displeasure (which she would have snapped out of as soon as she was distracted by something else: I have many kids of this age in my extended family) in order to show the OP the respect anybody is entitled to expect from an adult partner.

45andfine · 19/01/2020 00:44

It's called the sacrifice seat for a reason.

Children should always sit in the back for safety reasons.

They should also always defer to adults.

PGtipsplease · 19/01/2020 00:46
  • Iamthewombat

These are not the OP’s kids. Why does she have to put herself out? She was doing her partner a favour by even going on the trip

My post was to another poster about another comment. If you bother to read any of my other posts you will see I’ve stated these are not her kids. It’s late I can see why you’ve got confused.

Iamthewombat · 19/01/2020 00:58

It’s late I can see why you’ve got confused

You are hilarious. Unintentionally, I’m sure.

WanderingBar · 19/01/2020 01:26

There's a seat in the front and there are seats at the back. They are all seats. The car is being used to get from one point, to another, that is the point of it.

I've tried for a while to understand what difference it makes whether you sit in the front or the back (unless there is a reason like sitting in the back makes you travel sick, and I'm sorry if I missed a point like this, as I've only skimmed the thread.)

I've also tried to work out what difference your age makes to where you should sit.

In practical terms, I believe it is safer for children to sit in the back, but this doesn't seem to be the issue here? Also in practical terms, it is more comfortable to talk to someone if they're sitting next to you rather than behind/in front of you, so surely it would make sense for the DD to sit in the front, to maximise the time that they are spending together. And the OP would be sitting in the front on the return journey anyway.

I really don't understand what the problem is. I am autistic and all I can say is that I'm not surprised many of us have such difficulty understanding the rules of the neurotypical world. It's bonkers!

lyralalala · 19/01/2020 02:29

It’s actually safer for everyone to sit in the back

The passenger seat is the most dangerous seat in the car

Ronathediva13 · 19/01/2020 02:38

Kids love to sit up front. If a child hasn’t got Mum or Dad full time then I can totally understand them wanting to have that “quality time”. My parents didn’t split up but I always wanted to sit in the front of the car! Think how your child would feel if they were told to move because your ex’s new partner wanted priority as that’s how they’ll see it. If you ask that child to move you’re telling them that you’re more important to their dad. Surely that’s obvious?

TheReef · 19/01/2020 08:00

You sound like my kids arguing who sits in the front

IdleBet · 19/01/2020 08:04

If we are picking my dad up and my adult DD is with me then she would say 'I'll jump in the back Grandad'. He says 'No thanks darlin' I'm ok.'

It's just courtesy.

Thinkingaboutsummer2020 · 19/01/2020 08:06

For all of you who say that OP should have just sat in the back - if you were picking up a friend and you had your kids with you would you do the same then?

I would think it was strange if someone came to pick me up and their child was in the front seat & I was expected to sit in the back.

GoodbyeRosie · 19/01/2020 08:16

2200 votes and it's 50/50 !

I'm team ' Why does it matter? YABU'

queenMab99 · 19/01/2020 08:18

If the other child was in the back, it might have been nice for her to have company, I think you were rather thoughtless, and rude.It could have been a pleasant journey for all four of you, but you turned it into an issue about who is most important, and I am afraid you lost!

Fuckitwhynot · 19/01/2020 08:32

Adults in the front has never been a thing in our family, everybody sits wherever and all of my children are growing up to be very polite and respectful human beings.
I really don't understand why a child getting to sit in the front automatically equals a child becoming "spoiled" "entitled" "little brat" etc.
This air of 'children are lesser', unequal, not worthy of adults is a bit unpleasant. They're only children, they didn't ask to be born or to be younger, I honestly think that being treated like you're less of a human being because you're child breeds the resentment and disrespect that people complain about. Would you have respect for someone who made a point of treating you as 'less than' because of your age? Which you have zero control over.
I'm not saying children should be treated as adults, just that they can still be treated as children without being treated as lesser beings.
They need to learn kindness and respect from somewhere and we should lead by example not demand they give it to us because we're adults and they're not.

datinginmy30s · 19/01/2020 08:39

*For all of you who say that OP should have just sat in the back - if you were picking up a friend and you had your kids with you would you do the same then?

I would think it was strange if someone came to pick me up and their child was in the front seat & I was expected to sit in the back.*

Yep this happens a lot as one of my children gets car sick so always sits in the front no matter who is in my car with me.
My best friend picked me up the other day and her little girl was in the front, so I just sat in the back without even thinking about it!

LellyMcKelly · 19/01/2020 08:47

Good grief.

diddl · 19/01/2020 08:47

Well I think that the partner set it all off on the wrong foot by telling Op that she was in the back.

I probably wouldn't have liked that either.

Although I can see why one or the other would want to be upfront with their dad, when Op isn't there I would have thought that both in the back is better as company for each other.

Iamthewombat · 19/01/2020 09:22

For all of you who say that OP should have just sat in the back - if you were picking up a friend and you had your kids with you would you do the same then?

I would think it was strange if someone came to pick me up and their child was in the front seat & I was expected to sit in the back.

Absolutely. I was thinking about this yesterday when I read the thread, actually. No way would I expect an adult friend to sit in the back because a child had commandeered the passenger seat. No way. It would be discourteous of me.

supadupapupascupa · 19/01/2020 09:28

I'm with you op. No way I would be sitting in the back. Besides I get car sick

champagneandfromage50 · 19/01/2020 09:30

I find it amusing all those saying it's a seat and in our family we sit wherever. Very rare I see an adult man /DH sitting in the back seat of a car with his DC in the front.....

finn1020 · 19/01/2020 09:34

It’s rude to allow a 9 year old to sit in the front if an adult is in the back. Even my 19 automatically sits in the back if we have to collect her grandma. Basic good manners.

LatentPhase · 19/01/2020 09:44

Totally with you OP. I would’ve done exactly the same. YADNBU. At all.

Also agree with AF that children should sit on floor if not enough seats. But from experience I know others don’t feel the same (and IMO it says a lot about where we’ve gone a bit wrong with modern parenting).

YummyChipCurryDip · 19/01/2020 09:47

Very rare I see an adult man /DH sitting in the back seat of a car with his DC in the front

Same here, but that's cos my car's quite small and kids fit easily in the back even without the front seats scooched forwards. It doesn't seem to work the other way round. There's never as much legroom in the back. In this case, providing I wasn't squished, I wouldn't have minded a child being in the front with her Dad - especially when she was already in there.

gingerbiscuits · 19/01/2020 09:52

That's a pretty immature overreaction - not going to help your step-parent relationship much, is it?

PGtipsplease · 19/01/2020 09:54

I still this this is a massive over reaction and this situation needs to be assessed on its own merit.

They didnt all set off together - she joined them.
The OP doesn’t have mobility problems.

The Dd was spending her last 60 mins of parental visitation up front with her dad.

Mountain out of a mile hill. But it’s interesting to see where posters egos are!

TheGinGenie · 19/01/2020 09:59

I always sat in the front as a child because I got horrendously travel sick and it helped. Whichever parent then sat in the back never cared they were sitting in the back. This feels like a very petty thing to get annoyed about as an adult.

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