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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
WildChristmas · 18/01/2020 23:29

Honestly do any posters who say OP is being petty and have children, do your children sit in the front and you at the back?

SandyY2K · 18/01/2020 23:35

I don't prioritise children's comfort over my own. Never have, never will.

Wow. Just wow. I can't believe I'm reading such a comment.

It's not about you being old fashioned...you belong in the dinosaur age.

Highonpotandused · 18/01/2020 23:36

My sister is 2 years older than me and as children she always insisted in sitting in the front. She was a brat and my parents gave in to her constantly so I never got to sit in the front if she was there and it led to her wanting her way in everything.

I would have preferred it if my parents had said kids in the back then I wouldn't have felt so resentful.

lyralalala · 18/01/2020 23:36

Honestly do any posters who say OP is being petty and have children, do your children sit in the front and you at the back?

Half of my kids are taller than me so sometimes

However, the Ops partner normally gets his DD to go in the back. So in the situation she was in I’d assume DH had a reason for keeping DD next to him and would sit in the back for that journey to keep the other DD company and to talk to DH on the way back about what was going on

MysweetAudrina · 18/01/2020 23:40

Children in the back. I want to sit with dh if we go somewhere and I would ask them to move to the back if we were picking up another adult. I don't think yabu and I think you handled it fine. I'd say the 9 year old asked if she could go up front as she probably missed out on a few trips if the 11 year old called it on the way down. He should have said she could go next but that you were doing him a favour by accompanying him so would be sitting up front. He will know now the next time.

chamenanged · 18/01/2020 23:46

I’d assume DH had a reason for keeping DD next to him and would sit in the back for that journey to keep the other DD company and to talk to DH on the way back about what was going on

But he isn't DH, he's live-out boyfriend of two years and it's her night off from her own kids. She'd be justified in considering that beyond her pay grade.

AnyFucker · 18/01/2020 23:46

Sandy...can you give me some examples of how you do prioritise children's comfort over your own ?

Real, everyday occurences where you compromise your own self in physical ways that cause you to feel uncomfortable, reduxed and at a disadvantage

And when you put yourself in those positions, as you must do going off your utter shock at my comment, can you tell us why ?

AnyFucker · 18/01/2020 23:48

*reduced

Spudina · 18/01/2020 23:48

I’m with you OP. DH recently put one of our DDs seats (they are 5 and 7) in the front seat. They fought about it (obviously), I said that wouldn’t work because of all the times we are all in the car. DH said on those days HE would sit in the back. I said I would never sit in the back whilst my kids were in the front, so he was essentially forcing me to do all the driving to keep my front seat (I get really travel sick in the back also.) Then I found the research that said that children are safer in the back and common sense prevailed!!

ChipsRoastOrBoiled · 18/01/2020 23:56

I'm with you OP but, a stepmothers, we're on a hiding to nothing on MN.

FWIW all who say they'd sit in the back must have short legs. My legs are long and there isnt enough room to be had in the back. And I always thought the front seat wasn't safe for kids anyway.

notangelinajolie · 19/01/2020 00:00

Missing the point … but it's much better in the back.

Newmumatlast · 19/01/2020 00:01

Imo adults should be in the front. Not because they're adults and children are not equal but rather because studies show that the back seats are safer. I've therefore said YANBU regarding the seat positions however you are treading a very dangerous ground if you ever hope to be their stepmum tbh if you are going to make comments like that in front of them. As a stepmum myself I would have gone but then had a word later with my partner to discuss the situation moving forward.

cherish123 · 19/01/2020 00:03

He should have made DD get in the back. I can see the point of view that she was already in the car but her father still should have made her get in the back.

AnyOldPrion · 19/01/2020 00:06

”However, the Ops partner normally gets his DD to go in the back. So in the situation she was in I’d assume DH had a reason for keeping DD next to him and would sit in the back for that journey to keep the other DD company and to talk to DH on the way back about what was going on”

If there was some significant reason why DD was specially allowed in the front on this occasion, I’d expect any boyfriend of mine to:

  1. Explain politely that he had said she could sit in the front this time and ask me very politely whether it would be okay that I sat in the back on this occasion
  2. Ideally explain the reason to me, unless of course it was a difficult situation, in which case I’d expect him to indicate that he’d explain later.

Instead, with no reason offered, he in the OP’s words “told me I was in the back” and when she queried it (as it was not what normally happened and therefore not what OP expected) he neither offered a rational explanation about why this occasion was different, nor indicated he couldn’t explain right now, but would do so later. “She wants to” is not an explanation as to why this time was different. I think it’s safe to assume “she wants to” will always apply.

This isn’t about whether the OP should have the right to sit in the front. It’s about her boyfriend telling her rudely where she’s been allocated a seat, rather than asking politely.

So had the OP obediently climbed in the back, a new precedent would potentially be set and she would never know in future when it might happen again. Even if she discussed it with the boyfriend afterwards, it’s setting up an expectation in DDs mind. The logical thing for the OP is therefore not to go if she doesn’t want to.

The OP may not have been perfectly polite in return, and obviously it would have been better if she had been, but some of the posters here criticising her for asserting her boundaries when faced with someone treating her poorly are incredibly dismissive. When someone pisses me off by being rude, I don’t always manage to respond in an ideal manner.

Undoubtedly he should be putting his children ahead of his girlfriend in some situations, but he needs to do it tactfully in a way that doesn’t send a message to his children that his girlfriend is a person of little importance who doesn’t deserve basic respect.

MrsCBY · 19/01/2020 00:09

OP is only going along in the first place to keep her BF company. On her child-free evening. And he’s saying to her she can just sit in the back till he’s ready for her.

And people are saying it’s the OP who’s entitled!!

Jenzenn · 19/01/2020 00:12

I feel that the underlying issue here is with him. As the driver and their dad he gets to decide whether the kids should give up the front seat to his gf. And he made his choice. Shes now left feeling undervalued.

GrouchoMrx · 19/01/2020 00:13

Child safety should be prioritized.

A 9 year-old child should sit in the back. It is safest and best practice for children under 13 to sit in the back.

PGtipsplease · 19/01/2020 00:20

Sandy...can you give me some examples of how you do prioritise children's comfort over your own

Real, everyday occurences where you compromise your own self in physical ways that cause you to feel uncomfortable, reduxed and at a disadvantage

About three times a week when my three year old gets in bed with us at about 4am. I teeter on the edge of the bed freezing whilst they starfish before I give in and get on the couch...

AnyFucker · 19/01/2020 00:25

Well, I have never done that but why do you decamp to the sofa ? To get some sleep, right ? For yourself. Your 3yo is sleeping anyway.

And you don't choose to do it. It gets forced on you at 3am or whatever. Giving up a seat to a child in the cold light of day, all things being equal, is not comparable.

PGtipsplease · 19/01/2020 00:26

Honestly do any posters who say OP is being petty and have children, do your children sit in the front and you at the back

Yes. Even my nearly 25 year old. But these kids were not hers kids. She joined them. This was still their time with dad. He wanted his daughter to sit beside him before he dropped her off at her mothers house.

This has been blown massively out of proportion. And the way OP has behaved especially in front his children would be a massive turn off for me.

GreenTulips · 19/01/2020 00:27

You moved to the couch because you needed sleep.

OP didn’t need to go on the journey so chose not to.

Iamthewombat · 19/01/2020 00:34

Nrtft but you are an arsehole. Also why do you have to go along? Youre untrusting and controlling too imo. My exs girl friend always comes with him to pick up his daughter for his weekends and it really pisses me off. I wouldn't go near him ever, but she's so insecure she has to follow him everywhere even at great inconvenience to her and her kid. No alone time for him and his DC either.

This is the apotheosis of anti-stepmother posts. It’s got everything:

  1. Can’t be bothered to read the thread: too keen to stick one on the OP for going out with a man who has had children with somebody else and simply will not do as she is told
  1. Insult (‘you are an arsehole’). Keeping it classy, I see!
  1. Hasn’t bothered reading the OP, never mind the full thread. The OP makes it clear that she was asked by her partner to go along and keep him company, but never mind that, eh? No, she is controlling and untrusting, and insists on accompanying him everywhere. He has no choice in the matter. Poor, poor man.
  1. Personalises it based on own experience of ex’s girlfriend. No axe to grind against women with the temerity to go out with men who had kids with somebody else, then.
  1. Another insult (‘so insecure she has to follow him everywhere’) for ex’s new girlfriend.
  1. One last dig at the OP and second partners everywhere: no time for the dad and the kids to be together without evil stepmother ruining their contact time.

I find the hatred expressed against other women, combined with the utter disregard for the facts, quite chilling.

PGtipsplease · 19/01/2020 00:35

And you don't choose to do it. It gets forced on you at 3am or whatever

I do choose to do it because I could take her back to bed and start the rigmarole of musical bed hopping risking waking her up more or waking up my other dd or stay in bed and rough it out. Neither which I can be arsed with as I’m up in two hours. So I choose to Schlep off down stairs as her bed is tiny. It’s not un normal to put yourself out for your kids.

PGtipsplease · 19/01/2020 00:37

OP didn’t need to go on the journey so chose not to

Absolutely. Her choice. Wasn’t her party. But she sure ended the party with a sour note!