to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

[Fauxfurrealwhiskey]

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

YABU! How ridiculous and childish

I expect my dcs ( now young adults) to sit in the back when their grandmother is coming in the car. The one in the front gets out and moves to the back when we collect her. I think its respectful.

not going to help your step-parent relationship much, is it?

Actually, the OP setting boundaries with her partner about what she’s prepared to accept is the best way to establish a sensible relationship.

All this "I'd expect my child to give up their seat for the adults/parents/etc" , has raised a question in my damaged brain which is this...if your adult DC and their DP picked you up in their car where would you expect to sit? You are, after all, the eldest so would you feel annoyed if you were "relegated" to the back seat or would you think "their car,their rules"? If it's the latter then the same can be said in the OPs case...his car, his rules. If it's the former however, then you may need to question why.

Adult dc and partner, their car their rules I would sit in the back if they made me. Children totally different. They should be in the back

DH and I always give the front seat to one of our elderly parents - if more than one of them is travelling with us, it goes to the one whose mobility is poorest.

if your adult DC and their DP picked you up in their car where would you expect to sit?

I very much doubt an adult DC would invite me along to a long car journey just to keep them company after dropping off a girl friend.

Giving up your seat for someone with mobility issues is a completely different scenario

Ffs let him spend some time with the kids without you tagging along demanding to be 'put first'

GreenTulips but where would you expect to sit if you were going on a day trip?

Yes you are being unreasonable, very childish. I’d be glad you went back in the house too, rather than teach my children a bad example.

I would have let her stay in the front. It's no big deal and he doesn't live with her. Even if there was no scene it will have created an awkward/bad feeling with him and his daughter.

Manners and respect are a two way street, and you seem to have little for his daughters. If you want the relationship to be a success you need to be less entitled and judgemental of his children. Of course yabu to expect the child to get out of the front seat for you.

This relationship sounds doomed

For all of you who say that OP should have just sat in the back - if you were picking up a friend and you had your kids with you would you do the same then?

I would think it was strange if someone came to pick me up and their child was in the front seat & I was expected to sit in the back.

^ this

Everyone saying the DD was there first and shouldn't have to move? She's a healthy child - she had the front seat for a small portion of the ride and she can bloody well get out of the car and move to the back. It's just rude not to.

I also think DP's way of telling OP that she was in the back was dismissive. Reading between the lines, it seems like DP lets DD2 get away with a lot due to his guilt. Telling his adult partner she's in the back was probably the easier option in his mind.

I always offered my wonderful MIL the front seat, but she never wanted it. She wanted to sit in the back with her grandkids, even though it would have been more comfortable and easier for her to get in the front.

For me, the thread hinges around the way the tone dad used when he spoke to the OP. And we weren't there, so we don't know.
And of course dad and daughters might already have discussed who was sitting where for the outward and return journeys before OP was asked to come along.

YANBU.

My adult DC always give up the front seat if we pick up my mum. I give up the front seat for my mum if my DD or DH are driving.

I actually don’t think YABU. Children sit in the back and the adults sit in the front. Every one I know generally does this too.

My 10 year old still sits in the back seat, even when it’s just the two of us in the car and the from passenger seat is free.
If I get in my parents car I would sit in the back seat. If I was getting a lift and the driver was part of a couple I would expect to be in the back seat. If I was driving DH and Another person such as my mum or MIL then DH would go it the back and give the front seat to the older relative.
Even when I was a teen, I might travel somewhere with one parent and travel in the front, but if at some point we picked up the other parent then I would move to the back seat and give them the front. I wouldn’t have dreamed of not moving, claiming I was there first etc. Parents get the front seat.

Wow my mum sat many of times in the back with me sat in the front and that's because as a kid and even now as an adult I suffer with travel sickness so would always get sick if I was sat in the back of the car for long trips

I really think you should have just allowed it and that attitude of I'm an adult not a child really you certainly acted like a child by saying you weren't going all because his DD was sat in the front

but where would you expect to sit if you were going on a day trip?

You see that’s different, they would be doing me a favour and a journey I’d like to go on. I would sit anywhere.

This is a DP problem of inviting OP and then disregarding her at pickup. He gave her no thought at all.

I should imagine he’ll be doing these trips alone from now on anyway.

I should imagine he’ll be doing these trips alone from now on anyway

Yep!

Sometimes my (now adult) daughters and I travel together to go and see their grandmothers. One of my daughters prefers to do the driving. I choose to sit in the back so the siblings are together (and I have the extra space in the back).

He’s a bit of a rubbish parent for not putting safety first - children should be in the back as it’s safer if you have an accident.

This is a DP problem of inviting OP and then disregarding her at pickup

Or maybe it's an OP problem of expecting DP to prioritise her over his daughter.

Wow my mum sat many of times in the back with me sat in the front and that's because as a kid and even now as an adult I suffer with travel sickness so would always get sick if I was sat in the back of the car for long trips

Yes, and that's perfectly reasonable. If the OP had posted 'I always have to sit in the back of my DP's car because his DD gets travel sick unless she sits in the front' I think she'd have got a resounding YABU - but that's not the scenario she has presented.

Or maybe it's an OP problem of expecting DP to prioritise her over his daughter

He asked her to go as a favour. She didn’t need to tag along!! That’s the issue.