to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

[Fauxfurrealwhiskey]

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP YABU. You sound very immature, petty, and really hard work. You sound more spoiled and entitled than his DC. Surely you could have sat in the back, then when DC left, hopped out and got in the front seat. Flipping heck it is just a seat. In a car. You are carrying on like a 6 year old. You need to grow up. His DC sound more mature than you.

Could you have taken over driving? Would he then have sat in the back? Or asked her to move?

yanbu. oldest passenger always gets the front seat unless (a) another passenger has a physical or other issue which makes a front seat a need rather than a want or (b) there is less than 5 years age gap between oldest and next- oldest, in which case they should take it in turns.

But the OP is entitled to what she did. She doesn't have a misplaced sense of entitlement - she absolutely is entitled not to spend her DC-free Saturday evening going on a car journey that she has no need to go on, if it doesn't suit her. The only person who'd actually have benefitted from her going was her boyfriend; if he wanted her to go that much he could have arranged it so it did suit her, otherwise the best solution for everyone was that she stay at home, which she did.

It’s hard for me to comment as I am very travel sick and won’t go in a car if I have to go in the back, ever, at all. Happy to drive myself anywhere I need to go.

I think at the very least he should have asked you politely if that was OK rather than just gesturing you to the back as a pp said.

Also, you of course don’t have to go at all, so no problem doing what you did.

Yanbu

If you'd got in, you would have been accepting a second class precedent that was arranged without your agreement.

Absolutely agree. Anyone saying it’s petty has never been a SM. There is a real opposition to a SM often from daughters and anyone who is saying it doesn’t matter does not understand.

Their mother would never just go in the back because her daughter had got in first.

That is the point they are making. You are not their mother.

It’s your DP who needs to say, my new GF also gets this priority otherwise he is setting up a long battle for you where he puts his daughters wants, not needs, and wish to be number one ahead of your relationship which is as the adults.

Teenagers are not stupid. They know making their Dads GF sit in the back is point scoring.

If anyone here was acting entitled it's the boyfriend for wanting her to spend her child-free Saturday night tagging along with him to drop his kids back, then 'telling her she's in the back' when he goes to pick her up as if she isn't doing him a favour. She's sent a neat message to him that her time is more valuable than he had been taking for granted - it would be nice to see more of that in threads on here, without the women posting thereof being slagged rotten for it!

Yabu. Grow up OP.

I also think the fact you were going along to do him the favour of keeping him coming means at least you should get the more comfy seat.

@CakeandCustard28 if you have kids. Do you let them sit in the front ever?

Teenagers are not stupid. They know making their Dads GF sit in the back is point scoring.

A 9yo isn’t a teenager...

What chamenanged said.

And he normally makes her get in the back

This is the first time he’s told the OP the DD was staying in the front and the OP didn’t even bother to ask why, just stropped off

And before the rule SM thing gets thrown at me - I am a SM so I know it’s not always easy

So if Op normally sits in the front, surely when the dp invited her along he should have said “but I’ve told dc she can sit in the front, is that ok” or “would you like to come, but I’m afraid you’ll have to sit in the back because (insert reason)”. Not just turned up like it.

Children especially that age should be sitting in the back, that is what I would have insisted regardless of how you felt about your sense of priority about sitting in the front seat.

Why is the onus on OP to ask why, though, if the boyfriend is the one that wants her to go?

YABU and incredibly childish.

Interesting that the votes are almost 50/50. If this were the other way around with a man, everyone would be saying LTB/man-child etc

I see children on the way to school sat in the front and always wonder why. Are these people just able to turn airbags on and off depending who is sat in the passenger seat !?

Air bags only need to be turned off for rear facing infant seats. A 9 year old who is tall enough to sit on their own or on a basic booster is fine with the seat set back.

As someone who works on car seat safety I would never recommend a child of 9 to be in the front seat. It’s not just about height but also her pelvis and the way the belt fits around her etc. Honestly until they hit puberty I wouldn’t recommend the front seat.

In your situation, I do agree it’s a respect thing and that adults should take priority, it can be quite uncomfortable for an adult in the back seat for an hour!

I was brought up to vacate the front seat if an older person got in the car. I would still offer to move now and I will bring my DD up to do the same. It's respectful and good manners.

No sorry I think you're being childish.
You would've sat in the front on the way back.
Kids love to sit in the front. It doesn't bother me where I sit in someone's car tbh and wouldn't make a big deal out of it. YABU.

I also don't think for one minute the man would be happy to sit in the back if you were driving with your kid in the front.

For all those saying pathetic petulant etc . I would say you have a basic lack of manners. Adults are not 'relegated' to the back of a car when they have been 'invited' by the driver and a child is occupying the front. It's simply very rude and the child should also have been taught to move in these circumstances without being asked.

I don't think the OP is being childish at all. She is maintaining her boundaries, that's all. Fair play to her.

go ahead without me then as I’m an adult not a child

Oh the irony

A few years ago I would have expected adults in the front and kids in the back.

However, since my ex-h does this to DD, I have changed my opinion. Similar length journey, around an hour. DD goes in the back, sometimes with the dog, ex-h and his gf in the front. They don't talk to DD the whole way, just have a conversation between themselves. She occasionally tries to chip in, but since they have music on as well she often can't hear what's being said. It's bad enough when it's an hour, but they do the same on long journeys up to his parents'. It really upsets me for DD's sake. She gets to see her dad for about 8 hours a week and spends at least an hour of it being ignored.