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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/01/2020 21:14

What a stupid point. The owner and driver of the car gets to decide who sits wear.

Who sits where

I never make typing errors myself, as anyone on here will tell you.

Grin
whywhywhy6 · 18/01/2020 21:15

Given he knew he was picking you up, and given she is 9, he should have told her to sit in the back from the time they left home. Any adult should have been in the front out of respect (and safety of the child too).

zdjg · 18/01/2020 21:17

YABU! Why can't she sit in the front?

Beamur · 18/01/2020 21:20

I wouldn't sit in the back either.
Plus I'd expect my DD or my DSC's to have the courtesy of offering their seat to an adult.

IdleBet · 18/01/2020 21:22

I'd be bored shitless sitting in the back, you can't have a conversation with the driver so there would be no point in going.

I'm with you OP.

JacquesHammer · 18/01/2020 21:26

I'd be bored shitless sitting in the back, you can't have a conversation with the driver so there would be no point in going

Why couldn’t the OP converse with the other child in the back?

lookingatthepast · 18/01/2020 21:26

Two words
Grow up

longwayoff · 18/01/2020 21:28

I recall reading of something similar, Italian man, driver, sitting along side his English girlfriend. Stopped to pick up 2 Albanian workers, recently arrived in Italy, this would have been early 90s, so Eastern Europeans not yet really used to the West. They were invited to sit in the back and took offence as having a woman in the front seat, with men demoted to the back, was a great insult to their masculinity. Is there a cultural thing happening here OP? Don't put yourself between them. You'll be the loser.

June705 · 18/01/2020 21:29

Poor little girl, you must have made her feel awful. Horrible behaviour

BlokeTarget · 18/01/2020 21:29

You’re acting like a child. Grow up.

Runnerduck34 · 18/01/2020 21:29

I'd be a bit peed off tbh, but I'd probably have sat in the back as a one off but wouldn't be happy with it being a regular thing.

puppymouse · 18/01/2020 21:31

I think historically my DPs would have always booted me out of the front seat if we picked up an adult but in your case I think I'd have made a silly joke about it and just taken it on the chin and got in. My DD often goes in the front in DH's car so when I go in it I sit in the back. Her seat is already there and she loves it.

PGtipsplease · 18/01/2020 21:32

YABU

My kids don’t get to sit in the front when I’m in the car. Not even my 25 year old.

However - in this situation these kids are not mine and was in that seat before I got there. I would have just got in the back and chatted away to the other DD then got in the front when they left - like a sane adult.

And tbh if I had a new bloke that seen his arse and stropped off because my child was in the front - I’d never drive back to see him!

Way to go on building relationships with your blokes kid!

Fivetillmidnight · 18/01/2020 21:33

Such outdated nonsense ?

Of course, manners and respect are so outdated.

Glad my children are old fashioned !

Take the 'step'mother aspect out of this (as we all know MN considers partners of men with children to be Satan's handmaidens) and replace her with Grandmother..

Are all of you who find this acceptable, saying you would drive over to pick up your mother and expect her to sit in the back whilst one of your children occupy the front seat? Really ?
Wouldn't happen in my home. ! but thankfully it wouldn't even be a discussion as mine would be out of the front and getting in the back before granny even reached her front door.

The reason some children have appalling manners is because their parents have the exact same low standards of polite and kind behaviour.

IndecentFeminist · 18/01/2020 21:34

You're not a step mum, so it isn't a sign of 'disrespect' to you. If she normally sits in the back even more reason to let it slide by.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 18/01/2020 21:36

Children in the back, adults in the front. It was fun hopping in and out of the front seat when I was a kid. There is a hierarchy, adults (women particularly) often have handbags and there's more room in the front passenger seat for adult legs generally.

You've been relegated now and he has allowed this to happen; unfortunately you've escalated it to a more serious level than it actually needed to be at. There was another thread almost identical to this last year I think?

He's not very serious about you, OP. I also agree that you've shown your hand. If you now do the "me or them" thing then expect him to choose them.

JacquesHammer · 18/01/2020 21:38

Of course, manners and respect are so outdated

Glad my children are old fashioned

Funny. I’ve told mine to be polite to everybody not some outdated “respect your elders” nonsense.

I always allow agency to decide what course of action is polite.

Interestingly adults are always way less polite than she is!

PGtipsplease · 18/01/2020 21:38

He's not very serious about you, OP. I also agree that you've shown your hand. If you now do the "me or them" thing then expect him to choose them

Why? Because he wanted to sit next to his daughter before he dropped her off at her mothers?

Op Blew this massively out of proportion

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 18/01/2020 21:40

I think it depends on the dynamic. If the dd was all smug about it I would have that she was trying to get one over me. If it was just matter of fact I would have hopped in the back and made a comment about how lovely to spend time with DD1 in the back - a time to spend with her while DD2 and her dad chat.

PGtipsplease · 18/01/2020 21:40

My grandmother would be offered the seat as she old and has trouble getting in and out of the car. She also has bad legs.

Not the same

hopefulhalf · 18/01/2020 21:44

My only rule is if you are in the passenger seat you are not allowed to gaze at your phone or sleep.

Ithinkitcouldbeme · 18/01/2020 21:46

Well I don’t think adults should automatically get priority just for being adults. But the fact that he only wanted you on the drive for company means that would be pretty pointless with you sat in the back. I wouldn’t want to go for a random car ride just for the sake of it stuck in the back seat. So for that reason YANBU

Hmmmwhatsthat · 18/01/2020 21:46

D'you know I could swear I read this EXACT post a couple of years ago. Weird.

PGtipsplease · 18/01/2020 21:47

My only rule is if you are in the passenger seat you are not allowed to gaze at your phone or sleep

That’s our rule for if you a chosen what is on the tv Grin

ThatWasThat · 18/01/2020 21:47

I think what you did was fine. You're obviously not yet in a position to tell the DD to get in the back, so you had few options.
If you'd got in, you would have been accepting a second class precedent that was arranged without your agreement.

There are no real rules about who sits in the front (other than safety) and it can be flexible for a number of reasons on different occasions, but you should not have been expected to suck up a change of plans without good reason or your agreement, it was disrespectful. We all know that the front seats are seen as higher status.

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