Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
Mulledwineinajug · 18/01/2020 20:24

YABU OP and ridiculous!

AryaStarkWolf · 18/01/2020 20:24

YANBU besides anything else, a 9 year old shouldn't be sitting in the front for safety reasons

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/01/2020 20:25

YANBUU

  1. Discipline - children do not get to dictate where they sit

  2. Courtesy - it is only good manners for the child to sit in the back

  3. Comfort - There is more legroom in the front and adults need more legroom than children

  4. Safety - children are much more vulnerable in the front seat

CoffeeRunner · 18/01/2020 20:25

See it from the child's point of view.

How is she going to feel being made to make way for dad's new girlfriend?

Time to think of someone else's needs above your own.

KatherineJaneway · 18/01/2020 20:25

Sounds like this was a power battle between you and DD2. Good for you in not agreeing to her demands. She needs to learn that we are all equal and she is not top dog.

Livelovebehappy · 18/01/2020 20:25

YABVU op. Sounds a bit petty and that you feel in some sort of competition with your sd.

GreenTulips · 18/01/2020 20:27

Time to think of someone else's needs above your own

She was thinking of her DPs ‘needs’ he wasn’t thinking of hers.

LadyLightning · 18/01/2020 20:27

No, it is a mark of respect that adults go in the front.

FreedomfromPE · 18/01/2020 20:28

As a child, yes, I was expected to move (to the then death bench seats with only a lap belt often two children to a belt).

I do consider giving up your seat to be a sign of respect BUT it is also a sign of respect to do as asked. The OP''s partner said she was in the back. She had no idea what the scenario was, were they mid heart to heart? Did the other child (in the back) express a wish to chat to OP? The OP has shown a complete LACK of respect for everyone in that car by not getting into the whys and wherefores.

It also sucks that so many adults can't show courtesy to a child sometimes and are do entitled as to think they should receive respect without giving it Hmm

CoffeeRunner · 18/01/2020 20:28

@AnyFucker I absolutely agree. But I see that as a different situation. If we were having guests round, my children and myself would of course be on cushions on the floor before any of the guests.

But in this case, OP did have a seat. It just wasn't her preferred seat for the first half of the journey.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/01/2020 20:30

Also OP was going as a favour to keep her DP company therefore she should of course be in the front

BrokenWing · 18/01/2020 20:34

YANBU - Children go in the back. I would be finding out when your dp gets home what that was all about, if there was no reasonable explanation having words about being a parent, setting boundaries, teaching respect and how he was doing his dd no favours putting you in an awkward position like in front of her.

CoffeeRunner · 18/01/2020 20:35

@GreenTulips I disagree. I don't actually think she was thinking of anybody else's needs apart from her own. Her DP obviously felt it important to let his DD have her own way. Given their past history, he was probably doing right.

SmallChickBilly · 18/01/2020 20:40

I don't think it's that unreasonable for a child to sit next to her dad when she doesn't get to see him as much as she'd probably like to. And I'd feel the same in his shoes - if I didn't live with my kids, I would want to spend as much time with them as possible, including a chat on the way home if they wanted to.

But apart from anything, I bet the kid in the back feels super shit now. The OP basically made it clear that she'd rather not come than sit in the back with her (I know that she wasn't the reason for the refusal, but still) which must sting a bit.

I do think a dad who prioritises his daughter over his girlfriend is probably a better father than boyfriend though, and admirable though that may be in some respects, the relationship might not work long-term if it bothers you. There's nothing wrong with deciding you want to be with someone who is in a position to put you first.

TigerOnATrain · 18/01/2020 20:40

@Fauxfurrealwhiskey I don't know about old fashioned or 'rampant' but you do sound horrendously immature, entitled, and spoilt. I am willing to bet the small child who was sitting in YOUR front seat is more grown-up and less bratty than you.

I am literally embarrassed for you, and if I were your boyfriend, I would be questioning if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone who throws their toys out of their cot when they can't get their own way.

Your boyfriend, his kids, his mates, and the wider family are probably having a right laugh at you behind your back.

Seriously, I am SO embarrassed for you. It will be hard to come back from this.

'You should have respect for your elders' is a load of wanky, outdated bollocks by the way, that belongs in the distant past with 'ladies before gentlemen' and 'boys will be boys.'

@LadyLightning

No, it is a mark of respect that adults go in the front.

PMSL. 😂

YouFellAsleeep · 18/01/2020 20:41

What’s with all the “children sit in the back” nonsense?! The kid was already in the car and was going to be getting dropped off anyway. If my son was already in the car and I was dropping him off somewhere and then someone decides to tag along for the journey - they don’t get to move my son out of his seat!

TigerOnATrain · 18/01/2020 20:45

@YouFellAsleeep

What’s with all the “children sit in the back” nonsense?! The kid was already in the car and was going to be getting dropped off anyway. If my son was already in the car and I was dropping him off somewhere and then someone decides to tag along for the journey - they don’t get to move my son out of his seat!

Well exactly!

Such outdated nonsense. Bet they think children should be seen and not heard, and should only speak when spoken to, and other neanderthal bollocks!

If someone had expected MY child to move from the front seat to the back (when they were already in the front,) I'd have told them to fuck off.

Aridane · 18/01/2020 20:46

YWBU, childish / petulant (& rude) and, as you say, acting like a 'rampant cow' (albeit one with a marvellous turn of expression)

Aridane · 18/01/2020 20:47

You are right OP - as the adult YOU get to sit in the front

Why?

NoooorthonerMum · 18/01/2020 20:53

1) Discipline - children do not get to dictate where they sit

What a stupid point. The owner and driver of the car gets to decide who sits wear. In this case the driver had decided his child got to sit in the front and OP was exceedingly rude to try and rearrange.

IceColdCocaCola · 18/01/2020 20:54

Can't stand parents who let their child get their own way 24/7 because they don't live with them full time. Does the kids absolutely no favours for the future, I know this from experience!
YANBU!

datinginmy30s · 18/01/2020 20:58

Just sit in the back! You have no more right to sit in the front than his daughter! How odd

AllHeart1 · 18/01/2020 20:59

Context is everything though.

If they’d been all travelling from the same place then I think it would be fair enough that the OP sit inthe front and the kids in the back.

But the kids were already in the car when he turned up to pick up the OP, and as such dd2 was there first and there’s no reason why she should have had to move just because the OP said she should.

And what’s all this “mark of respect”crap?

Really, it’s just a seat in a car. My DS always sits in the front because driving makes him feel sick so he prefers it in the front. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest to sit in the back. If anything I can have an un-disturbed nap. Wink.

lyralalala · 18/01/2020 21:07

@chamenanged Here’s hoping it’s not something he’d have liked to discuss with the OP on the way back. Or something that it would have been good for him to have the OP chatting to his elder daughter in the back while he spoke to the youngest

I’d still lay money that the eldest was in the front on the way up and he and the OP haven’t clicked that when she joins them on the way back the youngest loses her ‘turn’ so he said she could stay as a one off

Either way the OP has kicked off in a strop without even asking the question or giving him the chance to explain

DeathMetalMum · 18/01/2020 21:10

I was all ready to say YANBU. If you were all getting in the car at the same time then I would normally expect the adult to be in the front. However she was already sat in the seat, and you basically had a toddler tantrum about it so YABU.

Swipe left for the next trending thread