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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 18/01/2020 18:00

It's irrelevant whether the OP feels disrespected

It's not though is it. Because thata why she started the thread. Because she felt disrespected.

I agree theres a safety issue. That's not the OPs problem.

lyralalala · 18/01/2020 18:00

@thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul That’s fine, it’s the people using it as a point to back the OP I was meaning

That’s not why she thinks the child should be in the back. Replies would be very different if she said “AIBU to think my DP’s DD should be in the back because she’s too small and therefore it’s not safe for her to be in the front”.

That said, if she was a step dad who said that he didn’t know the height of his girlfriends kid there wouldn’t be half as many people assuming she was getting it wrong height wise

DickDewy · 18/01/2020 18:00

You’re being a big baby.

EmrysAtticus · 18/01/2020 18:00

I have to say I am stunned by the number of people who think it is ok for a 9 year old to be in the front seat. The back seats are safer so why wouldn't you want your children there?

YappityYapYap · 18/01/2020 18:01

Are you 5 years old OP?

bananafritters · 18/01/2020 18:01

I think this is One of Those Things which can vary family to family. My parents have ALWAYS sat in the front seat when they're both in the car. No debate ever just the way it's always been. Even now my siblings and I are adults and we're all taller than my mum we would never expect the front seat over them. In fact the only time I've ever seen either parent in the backseat is when their parents are in the car.

I remember going out for dinner with a friend as a child and being very surprised when her younger brother went in the front and her mum sat in the back beside us. No car sickness he just liked it.

myidentitymycrisis · 18/01/2020 18:02

@GiveHerHellFromUs
Yes, I would suggest she got in the back, and discussed it later.
If children's father agrees, then in future he should make it clear to DC's

  • yes, you can sit in the front if there are no adults there, otherwise move for an adult.
If OP and father cant agree.... IDK
daisypond · 18/01/2020 18:03

@EmrysAtticus. The safety aspect is not what the thread is about.

happycamper11 · 18/01/2020 18:03

Also regarding hight/safety.. dd is the smallest in her year of 60 bar 1 child who is tiny due to being extremely premature. At 9 she was 135. She still sits on a normal booster at 10 and 138 but is in the front most of the time

EmrysAtticus · 18/01/2020 18:05

I get that Daisy but a few people have posted about primary aged children being allowed in the front.

daisypond · 18/01/2020 18:05

Do all those politicians / VIPs that we see on the telly sitting in the back of cars while they are being driven about feel disrespected?

Chloemol · 18/01/2020 18:05

I couldn’t sit in the back, I suffer from car sickness if I do. So I would have done what you did

peardrops1 · 18/01/2020 18:05

I'm with the posters who say YANBU. I was brought up to think it's rude for a kid to go in the front of it means an adult has to sit in the back. Maybe just depends what you've been taught yourself as a kid? I'm in my thirties now but would always offer the front seat to someone older than me. I think of it as respectful, but now I'm wondering if that's weird? I genuinely thought everybody did this! But OP, this discrepancy might explain what happened with your OH and his DD.

CallmeAngelina · 18/01/2020 18:05

Kids LOVE sitting in the front.

Yeah, they do, but imo they need to wait until there are no adults/parents in the car too. I too love sitting in the front.

I often sit in the back of the kids want to be in front
But as they will always want to do so, that presumably means you're always relegated to the back.

This thread is explaining a lot to me about some of the attitudes we're currently seeing in schools with certain children.

CallmeAngelina · 18/01/2020 18:07

I remember going out for dinner with a friend as a child and being very surprised when her younger brother went in the front and her mum sat in the back beside us. No car sickness he just liked it.

I wonder what would have happened if your friend had also stated that she "liked it."

Upstartcrones · 18/01/2020 18:09

. I suppose you think that teachers don’t deserve the respect of their pupils until they have ‘earned it either?

You are comparing apples and oranges there Iamthewombat. A teacher is given respect by virtue of their experience and qualifications. They have a defined role and work within strict professional guidelines. If they were to throw a tantrum there would be professional consequnces.

A step parent or GF is chosen by one of the parents to be their partner and is inserted into a child's life. Whether that person is a good influence or bad depends upon a variety of factors. But there are no guidelines on their behaviour, there is no recourse for the child if that person behaves badly (unless the said parent steps up). Therefore trust has to be established between the partner and the child. What follows is then respect. If the child witnesses bad behaviour in the adult they are less likely to trust them and respect them.

I said before I think kids should be in the back. But i really don't think this is about that. Its power play in behalf of the op.

ilovemyrednosedaymug · 18/01/2020 18:10

YANBU OP, I wouldn't want to sit in the back like a child while a child sat in the front.

However, I really don't see why you need to go with him. He has his DD's for company on the way and surely he can manage an hour of his own company on the way back.

But he is allowing his DD to call the shots and she is firmly putting you in a lower position than she is which he shouldn't really do, but one of my DD's biggest complaints is that the stepmother has to go on every single journey with them when she could stay at home. DD feels that they just talk to each other and ignore her and wishes that her dad was on his own.

letmebefrank · 18/01/2020 18:11

YANBU. I would have done the same. Disney Dad needs to get a grip.

And a 9 year old who is small for her age and still on a booster is safer in the back seat.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 18/01/2020 18:12

You are right OP - as the adult YOU get to sit in the front. I was never allowed to sit in the front if both parents were in the car.

DesLynamsMoustache · 18/01/2020 18:12

I think there's a big difference between all getting into the car at once v someone getting into the car later when everyone else has already been seated for a while. In the latter case, you are asking people to get out of the car and move just to prove some sort of point, and it seems very petty and pointless for what was presumably going to be a reasonably short journey. Just get in and don't play musical chairs!

It's completely different to all setting out on a two-hour drive together!

Annebronte · 18/01/2020 18:12

YANBU. Children belong in backseat when there are two adults travelling. Respect aside, it’s also safer for them.

NoseyBuggerMum · 18/01/2020 18:14

Being generous you're not usually this petty and this issue is just symptomatic of what you believe to be your partner's poor parenting. You were obviously being childish to insist on the front seat. His DD was already there and had clearly been promised the front seat so it was silly to have a tantrum about it at that moment.

Whynosnowyet · 18/01/2020 18:15

If I have younger dc out and dd 14 is in the front she moves for d5 15 /18.
No way would their wants make me sit in the back...

MorganKitten · 18/01/2020 18:16

YABU she was there first

happycamper11 · 18/01/2020 18:16

I have to say I am stunned by the number of people who think it is ok for a 9 year old to be in the front seat. The back seats are safer so why wouldn't you want your children there

It is far safer to have 10 year old dd in the front than to be distracted and stressed by the constant fighting between her and dd2 if they are both in the back. She's as safe as possible. Sits on a booster and seatbelt fits perfectly. Seat pushed all the way back as far from the airbag as possible