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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL to stay long term, I'm not enthusiastic...aibu?

229 replies

littlemisspigg · 18/01/2020 11:59

My mil passed away recently and this is something I've always dreaded...my fil is likely to come and stay with us long term. I know it sounds selfish and insensitive, but he can be quite demanding in terms of food and entertainment. At this point in my life, there's a lot going on....I am in training and will need to sit exams soon, one child has GCSEs and the other will have them in 2 years time and then A levels, university applications etc etc....I can handle all that, but to have to cook special meals for one more person on my life will just tip me over. OH, well ...I have told him, but of course, he needs to weigh up the moral obligation of looking after his dad versus the needs of his own little family...how can I prevent his dad from coming over now (I'd be better prepared to take him on after about 5years as all these issues in my life would have settled)...or what to do? I'm really stressing about this as I'm not sure I'll be able to cope.

OP posts:
oohnicevase · 18/01/2020 17:18

Just say no .. why would you entertain this ? Get him to sell up and buy a house nearby or build an annexe with the money .. unless you have a massive house then it will be awful..
I don't understand why your dh would ask you to do this !

HuggedTrees · 18/01/2020 17:19

No way should he move here with a live in maid where he is!
Does your DH really want to share a bed with your FIL and you sharing a bed with your teens is still disruptive to them.

recycledbottle · 18/01/2020 17:20

It sounds like a hairbrained idea and is based on your DH trying to impress his friend. There is no room at the inn. It's as simple as that. I'd tell DH he can get an air b and b and stay there with his DF and entertain him if he is that fussed. Has DF actually asked to come? My DH is from abroad and MIL used to regularly send brother and cousins to stay with us. I got completely fed up and said no to his brother. My MIL still booked the flights saying that he was family and I had to support them. I told DH no bother find yourself an air bnb and you and your brother can live there. All of a sudden flights were cancelled and he wasn't coming.

Ginger1982 · 18/01/2020 17:21

"Nope, DH won't be doing anything...I speak from past and current experience. He never does anything. It's all me."

Why are you being such a doormat? Just say no!

TorkTorkBam · 18/01/2020 17:22

Yeah but Tarty saying no doesn't actually stop it happening in many marriages. There are plenty of men who are totally happy to completely ignore what their wives say and for the wives to go along with it. Just read these boards!

If she can't physically stop it then the DH could just go ahead and arrange it. The woman then has to LTB or live with it. Given you are talking about women who have already chosen to stay in relationships where the man dominates, leaving is unlikely.

She has to rely on convincing him he won't like the outcome of his choices for reasons other than her displeasure. That's how their marriage operates.

MimiLaRue · 18/01/2020 17:24

It would be such a shame if the Visa paperwork kept not reaching the application service wouldnt it?

Bloody royal mail Grin

Jux · 18/01/2020 17:24

Yeah, dh needs to go to India and help his dad there. It will make it easier for his dad anyway, and dh can check out about selling properties vs renting them oout etc. FIL will come to terms with mil's death far more easily in his own home with his friends aorund and surrounded by familiarity, instead of trying to cope with all the strangeness and difficulties and discomforts inherent in coming to live with you.

Tell dh it's a sweet idea but thoroughly impractical.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/01/2020 17:28

In that case, @littlemisspigg, the answer's (reasonably) simple. You just tell DH - and mean it - that you will not do any of the work that the visit would entail

That's "the point" you can raise, and it might or might not persuade DH to think a bit more deeply, put it off for a few years or forget it all together ... but if it doesn't do any of those things, you'd make it all a lot more bearable by simply not getting involved

The question is whether you're prepared to do that and stick with it?

TorkTorkBam · 18/01/2020 17:30

If DH is feeling like his friend is showing him up as a bad Indian son, maybe suggest that the friend's dad only needs to move country because he's not as rich as your FIL.

thetreeisstressingmeout · 18/01/2020 17:31

Why on earth would a man who has several homes, a maid who cooked and clean for hi want to move to England and share a bed with his adult son?

Waveysnail · 18/01/2020 17:33

O ly way I would accommodate is for a seperate self contained flat to be built in the side of the house. Prefer with two bedrooms so his maid can cook and clean for him

amusedbush · 18/01/2020 17:34

It sounds like he has a very comfortable life in India, why would he give that up?

However, if your DH ploughs ahead and your FIL does move in, do absolutely nothing to help. Don’t just threaten it, genuinely do nothing that inconveniences you or your children. If it’s a long term arrangement then he’s not a guest to be fed, watered and entertained.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/01/2020 17:36

Actually, there's another option if you believe he'll make a false application with the intent of over-staying, and that's to bring him to the attention of the immigration authorities. It's probably the nuclear option and I've never used it myself, but anyway here's the contact:

Immigration Enforcement hotline
0300 123 7000

Ironmanrocks · 18/01/2020 17:37

Without being rude (and I haven't read the full thread) you actually don't have room for him. What you have described is not a sustainable situation for more than 2 weeks. You will all go bananas sharing rooms like that. Either find him suitable accommodation in sheltered housing/home nearby or dont invite him. Sounds crazy.

BigFatLiar · 18/01/2020 17:37

With his current lifestyle in India he may not want to come to you long term. Sounds like he has a comfortable life with friends and family. Has your husband actually spoken to your FiL or simply assumed this is what he'd want. Be careful FiL doesn't feel pressured into coming to you by you husband.

He may enjoy a holiday perhaps but I suspect he'll be happy in his own home rather than being taken to a different country and culture.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 18/01/2020 17:41

OP.. do you read the news at all?!

Lol. The visa pathway for dependent adults got severely curtailed to the point where it is effectively shut except in extremely unusual circumstances. Almost all applications are immediately rejected. Elderly parents etc are no longer welcome in the UK from an immigration perspective. They do not hand out UK visas like free toffee any more.

Your FiL cannot legally move here. He can come for a 6 month visit, at best. Your best bet is to simply point this out to your DH.

Motoko · 18/01/2020 17:42

OP, why won't you just tell your husband (there's nothing "dear" about a man who leaves his wife to do all the work) No? It's a preposterous idea for many reasons, not least that you have no room.
Anyone with an ounce of common sense can see that.

Ellmau · 18/01/2020 17:43

Honestly. OP, this is not going to happen. You’re fil won’t get a long term visa, and if the U.K. authorities suspect he might want to stay, he won’t get a visit visa either.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 18/01/2020 17:45

Oh and OP... good luck getting a visa for the maid, too. Lol.

The UK is actively trying to limit migrants, not welcome them in.

Purpleartichoke · 18/01/2020 17:47

You just say no. If he persists, you take half the assets and leave.

Bringing your fil to your home isn’t just bad for you and your children, it’s bad for him. He will be isolated with you. He should be somewhere with friends. He should develop a routine with hobbies. It is also very true that widowed men of means are very attractive prospects. If he does not want to be alone, he will find the dating market skews strongly in his favor. None of that will happen if he is shoved into a bedroom with no transportation.

Bluetrews25 · 18/01/2020 17:48

Sounds like FIL does not 'do' anything towards his daily life if he has a live in 24 hour maid (and a son who does not 'do' anything either!)....so is he actually grieving, or is he just missing the original, 24 hour maid?
If DH feels he should come over, perhaps it is worth asking him if he is ready to bow to his DF in all decisions and will happily go along with his every wish and whim as he had to do when he was a boy living at home, as this will probably be expected? The king will move his home, is DH ready to be replaced as king in his own home?
This might be your only reasoning point, OP, if DH will not take your or your DCs into consideration, he probably will think about the effect on him, and only him, sadly. You will need to spin it this way.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/01/2020 17:48

"Nope, DH won't be doing anything...I speak from past and current experience. He never does anything. It's all me."
Well, that needs to stop!

It sounds like your husband is just virtue-signalling and hand-wringing. Your FIL would be taking a huge drop in living standards - why would he want to do that?

Be blunt with your husband. Tell him "No". No, I will not be cooking and entertaining your father like a skivvy. No, your children will not have their schooling disrupted in any way by sharing a room at this late stage, how shit a father are you for suggesting it? No, if you want your father over here then move out and take a place together because it's not happening you total bellend. I'm sure you get my drift.

Jux · 18/01/2020 17:55

If you had room it would be a different story. It will drive you mad after a couple of weeks in your present circumstances. You need to sell up and a buy a bigger place with a granny flat. Then he can come.

UYScuti · 18/01/2020 18:09

you dont need to gather ideas to stop this happening, you just say no OP

alexdgr8 · 18/01/2020 18:15

are you used to deferring to male wishes.
you sound on auto pilot that you just do what your husband expects.
is that the example you want to shew your children.
this is fundamentally about you and husband, not FIL.
see how you casually negate yourself into sofa-surfing, bed-sharing with your children. as if you don't matter. can sleep on a sixpence, or the mantelpiece, or behind the wardrobe. as if you are not a full grown adult, joint head of the household, needing a proper billet.