FIL to stay long term, I'm not enthusiastic...aibu?

[littlemisspigg]

My mil passed away recently and this is something I've always dreaded...my fil is likely to come and stay with us long term. I know it sounds selfish and insensitive, but he can be quite demanding in terms of food and entertainment. At this point in my life, there's a lot going on....I am in training and will need to sit exams soon, one child has GCSEs and the other will have them in 2 years time and then A levels, university applications etc etc....I can handle all that, but to have to cook special meals for one more person on my life will just tip me over. OH, well ...I have told him, but of course, he needs to weigh up the moral obligation of looking after his dad versus the needs of his own little family...how can I prevent his dad from coming over now (I'd be better prepared to take him on after about 5years as all these issues in my life would have settled)...or what to do? I'm really stressing about this as I'm not sure I'll be able to cope.

No x1000

It's not fair on your dc who are about to do GSCEs.

You have no room for him! He will be bored and lonely here.

How does he get on with his gc?

He has chronic health problems? What if he gets ill over here? He's not entitled to NHS care.

He'd be better staying where he is surely in a familiar environment?

Or if it's so important to your h that his dad is looked after, could he fly to India and stay with him for a bit?

What solutions is your DH coming up with?

If fil has several homes in India, plus a maid, he'd be much better staying there. Why is your DH ok i I steaming more to a friend than to you, his wife??

maybe if I let this happen, and let everyone especially my FIL and DH (alongside myself) suffer the utter misery of the situation..then my point might stick. It might be worthwhile suggesting an extension to our house, and hope he contributes

You do not want this going on - a war of nerves - while your Dcs are doing exams etc.

Your DH , by never doing anything to help, has not earned the right to bring extra people into the home.

The upheaval of an extension will not alleviate the chronic health problems nor the fact that he most likely won't be allowed to stay past his 6 month visa - so that really isn't a solution.

When I was growing up DGM moved in when she was widowed. She moved between her son, my DF and her daughter for 13 years until she died. It nearly broke my parents' marriage. She had her own room, but giving her the spare room meant we couldn't have guests to stay. As she got older, she became incontinent and the consequences of that were pretty grim.

It was stressful for my parents, and not great for DSis and I.

I wouldn't jump in to have any of DH and my parents live with us. If there was no alternative, I'd have to find a way to make it work, but I'd be trying bloody hard to find an alternative!

What about if you and your family plan a visit to see him in India after the DC's exams?

Your DH can check that everything is in place to support him there.

Nope, DH won't be doing anything...I speak from past and current experience. He never does anything. It's all me.

Well then that’s fine isn’t it? Don’t do anything, like sorting out the visa or arranging health insurance, and your FIL won’t get past the border. You can play at being helpless and incompetent too, you know.

Well you need to get DH in training for his fathers arrival.

Start with a shopping list and cooking
Move on to housework and bed changing.

You don't mention FIL actually wanting to come OP. Has anyone asked him? It sounds like he has a very nice setup in India!

DH won't be doing anything ... He never does anything. It's all me

And are you happy to go along with that, @littlemisspigg ?

It's not for us to tell you what to do, but I just wonder what you want from your thread? There's absolutely nothing wrong with a good old vent, but do you actually want us to help you to make changes, or will you be content to revert to same-old, same-old with the family?

Lots of ageist, sexist and racist stereotypes on this thread.

NO. Absolutely not. You are under no obligation to have a relative live with you permanently. Its your house too and it sounds like it will be too much of burden for you. Its not fair of your husband to expect you to be the one cooking special meals etc

I'd tell him no. I'd be happy to visit regularly or look at carers to come in but I wouldnt not have him actually living with us.

Well then that’s fine isn’t it? Don’t do anything, like sorting out the visa or arranging health insurance, and your FIL won’t get past the border. You can play at being helpless and incompetent too, you know

This. WTF should you be the one making all the effort here? its not even your dad FFS

Nope, DH won't be doing anything...I speak from past and current experience. He never does anything. It's all me.

Well quite apart from the widowed FIL situation this is not good is it? Why have you let this happen?

Your DH , by never doing anything to help, has not earned the right to bring extra people into the home

I imagine the DH might not see it quite like that, BlouseAndSkirt ... which is why I asked what kind of advice, if any, OP actually wants

**@ Puzzledandpissedoff

Fair point....
I'm looking for ideas to-

1. Prevent/ avoid the situation altogether
2. If not 1), then ideas how to make the situation sufferable for myself
3. What points can I raise with my DH to make him think a little deeply about this plan
4. If nothing works, how to delay this situation for at least the next 5 years

You have all come with pointers that even I hadn't thought of
I really appreciate your input. I've got some ammo now!

@flouncyfanny

That sounds just divine

He won't get a visa to live here permanently surely? you'd have to provide financial proof that you'd be paying for all his healthcare? because he won't qualify for free NHS care.

From what you've said, you're using the term 'plan' quite generously here!

I personally would not be happy with this at all but I also understand where you husband is coming from. I think you both need to compromise.

6 months is a long time but a timeframe needs to be clearly established so you are not stuck with him for years on end.

Could he not rent a small place nearby and have a carer to cook/clean and then stay over at the weekends? He could still spend time with you all during the days without changing sleeping arrangements.

Ultimately your DC needs to come first so if you feel this would affect them negatively then you will need to put your foot down.

Why on earth would FIL want to move to your place? Has DH even spoken to him? It would be a significant drop in living standards.

Maybe mention this to DH. You know, FIL will make friends in the UK and will be moaning about what a crap lifestyle he has with his son. What a disappointment his son is, it would have been better to stay in India. I bet your DH's blood will run cold at the thought of it.

OP - You don't need ideas, you can just say no!
It sounds completely mad, both for you and your DC.
It will be a huge upheaval for everyone including your FIL.
Seems like only the person who will be adversely affected is your DH.
And it's his idea. Not exactly fair, is it?

If I was you OP, the day FIL moved in would be the day I moved out.

Do you know if your FIL actually wants to come over, or is just culturally expected and there would be family shame if he didn't?

I am assuming if he has a number of properties he would be able to finance his healthcare here if need be. Are you the only family over here?

Bugger.
....The only person who will NOT be adversely affected is your DH.