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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband holding hands with male friend.

484 replies

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 10:00

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

OP posts:
Cosmos45 · 18/01/2020 11:43

I asked my husband what he thought.. I would say he’s not a laddish type bloke and definitely in touch with his feminine side (lots of female friends etc). He has a really good friend (best men at each other’s weddings etc, do loads of sports together etc) and I posed the question of whether he/they would ever hold hands.. he said he couldn’t imagine a scenario doing so unless perhaps his friend was hurt, injured, traumatised etc. He wouldn’t hold a female friends hand either. Culturally in some countries the personal space issue is not respected and it would be reasonably normal to see this (Abu Dhabi for one) but not here in the uk. That would send my spidey senses haywire and I would conclude he is probably gay or bi. Very odd

Starlink · 18/01/2020 11:44

Yeah, gay affair.

CassidyStone · 18/01/2020 11:46

You know, in your heart of hearts, your husband is gay. Tell him you know. Talk to him. Discuss separating so that you both have a chance of finding happiness elsewhere. Don't listen to his ridiculous explanations of why he's openly affectionate towards a male friend. He's gay.

Pashola · 18/01/2020 11:49

@CelebrityDave that picture is photoshopped misses point of thread

I also think your husband is gay OP

StopMegxit · 18/01/2020 11:50

It sounds like he is gay and struggling with his sexuality.

VenusTiger · 18/01/2020 11:50

The only people I see holding hands are either lovers or children (with eachother or with an adult) OP. How would you feel honestly, if he were out in town holding, say, a mutual female friend's hand. I know I would NOT be okay with that.

I'd be more concerned about your sex life anyway tbh. 3 times a year is not healthy in my opinion. How did you manage to conceive? Don't you miss it? Are you going to carry on carrying on or what?

peachypetite · 18/01/2020 11:53

Wake up OP. Your marriage is over.

strictlymomdancing · 18/01/2020 11:58

So its just one friend who he sees like once a year? and he doesn't do this with any one else?

On that basis, I'd say he's not gay.

Maybe friend (or your DH) has undiagnosed difficulties that mean they don't see how it could be perceived?

rwalker · 18/01/2020 12:01

VERY VERY odd but would not assume anything if he was having a gay affair with him he must be beyond thick to do this.
I think it odd and you know him you know his reaction and from what you said sounds genuine response from him.

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 12:05

This is more what I'm wondering. Without knowing him it's hard to explain but he really isn't typical. And by the sounds of it his friend isn't either. Apparently he wants a girlfriend which is why hes now no longer living with his close friend because other women assumed they were a couple so would stay away.
Hes very open about his thoughts, emotions and problems and I genuinely believe that if he was gay he would know he could tell me so we could part and co parent amicably. My issue has been how skewed his views of affection are, and obviously the lack of affection in our marriage is a massive problem. Its always been 'once this stressful job is over' things will get better. 'Once our child is older' things will get better' etc.

OP posts:
User3679963 · 18/01/2020 12:08

Sorry I tried to reply, that was aimed at rwalker and strictlymondancings comments.

OP posts:
laudete · 18/01/2020 12:09

I don't consider hand-holding to be intimate. Affectionate or supportive but not intimate. And not gendered.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/01/2020 12:10

OP my son is gay and he has numerous gay friends ...non of them hold hands with their partners/husbands in public...partly for fear of attracting unwanted attention...I don;t know what to advise you really,its a strange one this one! If it did turn out he was gay or bi would you stay with him is more the question? Many women do and have a long lasting happy relationship and manage to overlook the problem if it doesn;t cause too much of an interferance to them...I have known a few...

ShawshanksRedemption · 18/01/2020 12:11

@User3679963 Have you initiated holding hands? If so, how does/did he respond? Or do you wait for him to initiate and so it doesn't happen?

feelingverylazytoday · 18/01/2020 12:13

It probably doesn't suit him to part at the moment, divorce is an upheaval, even if it's a bad marriage. Perhaps he feels comfortable in your home and likes being with his child, and regards you both as his family.
It's up to you to decide if you're happy with this situation, because he's not going to rock the boat.

Sunsetandmoonlight · 18/01/2020 12:13

I live in a big city and have never seen two men holding hands. Are you sure he’s not having you on?

If he’s not, well, he’s got eyes hasn’t he? He knows he doesn’t see two males holding hands round and about.

UnaCorda · 18/01/2020 12:14

Your husband seems to specialise in claiming things such as having sex every four to six months, or holding hands with another man, are normal, when they clearly arent.

dogcrazy · 18/01/2020 12:14

Do they drink when they meet up? I’ve held female friends hands when drunk, other than that it is a bit weird!

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 12:15

Laudete, that's interesting. To me it is, but I also dont have any male friends and if I did I wouldn't see it as a platonic gesture, it's just not something I would do, and I know that if my husband saw me holding hands with a man he would be less than impressed. So I'm struggling to see my husband's point of view where he genuinely doesn't see how two straight males holding hands could be perceived as strange or suspicious. He was really confused when I said I found it odd. In this way we are very different, hes more verbally affectionate whereas I'm more tactile which is where this confusion is coming from.

OP posts:
keeponandonandon · 18/01/2020 12:16

I'm sorry, I think he may have been seen out and is trying to convince you it's not a normal thing straight men do. You know it's not - especially in Britain.

I've just asked other half what he thinks, he said blokes dont even touch hands when handing over a drink never mind walking around holding hands. Therefore we both conclude he's gay!

keeponandonandon · 18/01/2020 12:17

Sorry -* a normal thing*

TheMustressMhor · 18/01/2020 12:17

Its always been 'once this stressful job is over' things will get better. 'Once our child is older' things will get better' etc

In fact - anything other than "I think I'm gay and don't know how to tell you."

It may be that he is hoping you'll join the dots, as he doesn't really know how to broach the subject head-on.

My ex-husband never admitted he was gay, not even after our divorce. He actually made my life so hellish that we divorced because we no longer had anything in common. But his sexuality didn't come into it.

However - he had (once) admitted to me that in the past he had thought he "might" be gay.

And many years later (I remarried eventually) our DC have all said that their father has had men staying over, in his bedroom.

He still doesn't identify as a gay man, though. Maybe your DH needs you to take the plunge with the conversation.

I find it telling that he insisted on counselling for himself, to which you were clearly not privy.

feelingverylazytoday · 18/01/2020 12:18

laudete I don't think I've ever seen 2 men holding hands in public, I've seen women doing it a couple of times and and assumed they were lesbian couples.
Where I grew up (in the northeast) women, especially mothers and daughters, did used to walk arm in arm a lot but I never saw men do it.

TheMustressMhor · 18/01/2020 12:19

Oh, and User, my DH and I only had sex every three months or so in the last years of our marriage.

PGtipsplease · 18/01/2020 12:19

Sounds like he is gas lighting you tbh

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