Husband holding hands with male friend.

[User3679963]

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

When I was younger and child free I'd hold female friends hands on a night out when we're all pissed and trying not to get lost/make it to the next bar! My OH is pretty darn woke and will hug all his mates in greeting/parting but wouldn't walk round holding hands with them.

It does sound odd, coupled with the lack of sex and refusal to do anything about it, I'd be concerned.

Sounds as if he's telling you this in case someone sees him and tells you?...otherwise it could just be some strange eccentric thing they do. But yeah typically men don't really do thjs unless they are gay.

I've been there and got out after a long time. Amazing how we got dcs! He wasn't holding anyone's hand but I found out things after I left.

Am with a totally heterosexual man now and have been for 12 years.

Your dh won't change OP. You either accept he's going to be your companion or leave.

OP for a relationship to stay the course you need affection.

If you don’t have affection in your relationship you really need to address that. From what you’ve posted it does sound like there is something going on with your DH- especially his avoidance of couples counselling. Have you asked him if he thinks he may be gay?

And FYI my son is autistic and very very affectionate- lack of affection is not a specific indicator of being autistic. (Of course that’s not to say that all people who have ASD are affectionate)

I don't know any straight men who walk around holding hands with their male friends. That's not to say no straight men do this. I've never seen it. I do know some straight women who hold hands with their female friends.
If the only thing you mentioned was him holding hands with this bloke then maybe it's just how he is etc.
But then you mention him talking about a friend from his youth and he thought he had feelings for him. Then there's the issue of a lack of intimacy in your relationship.
It's the 3 things together that suggest to me that he is bi or gay.

It’s one of those “cool things” young folk do

I asked my teenagers about same sex young folk doing this they replied with 'only the gay ones'

Hi op
Without meeting either of you then it's very difficult for anyone to give you the perspective you require.
He could be gay and consider this a lavender marriage or it could be the way he is.
You need to decide if the lack of infancy is enough for you.what do you want going forward?As you have tried the counselling and he has stalled going forward with that,you should have a real think about your wants and needs.
for you and wishing you well.

Definitely gsy

Gay

Come on OP, you can't be that blind.

He's gay. He's been seen and is telling you before someone else does!

I actually haven't met this group of friends.

I’m sorry to say that this would be a worrying sign for me. Whilst it could just be because they don’t see one another very often, it could also be that he’s actively keeping this friendship (or whatever it may be) distinctly separate from his life with you.

I find younger men are more tactile with their friends; a hug goodbye would be the norm rather than a handshake etc. But holding hands is a different level of intimacy. The claims of tragic Vampire Diaries fan girls aside, it’s at best unusual, even if not completely unheard of.

Lets flip this - if OP had said her husband regularly holds hands with a female colleague/friend that she had never met and had never been introduced to and her husband showed more tactile affection to the female friend than he did to her, every single person would be screaming affair. I dont know why people are suddenly making all the excuses under the sun for this- its no different just because the friend is male.

I know lots of uk men who kiss and hug hello goodbye (Scots especially I’ve found, but genuinely lots of my friends do it and none have had gay relationships that I know of.

It’s the walking along holding hands that is different- that doesn’t happen in uk culture.

CripsSandwiches how do you know that your straight friend has a low sex drive?

Perhaps she broke into his house and stole his diary. Maybe she’s a psychic or mind-reader.

Or maybe, just maybe - he told her?

@beautifulstranger101 but he's said he'd happily do the same with a woman.

I don't think it necessarily means he's gay and would be more concerned about the affection thing (which you also mention) if I was OP. He's basically willing to show anyone else the exact same amount of affection he shows his wife.

To clarify, hes definitely not keeping his friends separate. They only really met up at work socials/conferences(his line of work goes over my head and I feel very awkward just nodding and smiling around big groups of people who have lots on common) and when the hand holding occurred it was when they met up for a quick coffee when his friend was back in the country. His friend does sound quite intense, and all his relationships are a bit skewed. He lived with a woman who he was attached at the hip to(if one was invited out, the other would be there) and we assumed they were a couple.

but he's said he'd happily do the same with a woman

He has to say that though doesnt he? he doesnt actually do it though...
and OP said he's held hand with male friends whom he has had sexual feelings for in the past. I mean.....this is all very obvious to me

Have you had counselling?
Has the couples counselling been cancelled now he’s had his own ?

Anyway. Get yourself to some couples counselling ASAP. If nothing else to talk about the lack of intimacy

Jesus you’re so young. You’ve got another 60-70 years of this

@beautifulstranger101 oh I agree he's definitely not straight, just from that comment about when he was a teenager. I just don't think it automatically makes him gay or a cheat

whilst I agree the behaviour is unusual, it does annoy me when people assume to know someone else's sexualities from one MN post. I know we have said that it is not a cultural thing but we don't know the friends culture. I lived in Rwanda and when I arrived at the airport, the first thing I noticed was rows of men all holding hands on the tarmac of the airport. Another event that changed my perspective recently was being with my brother as he died. He had a brain tumor and could not speak for about a month before he died. He had many friends visit and whether male or female, pretty much every one of them sat next to him and held his hand whilst they talked to him, sang to him, prayed with him or just sat quietly. I know the context is different but I did not see any of those male friends struggle with that. FWIW, my 6'3, late teens daughter often holds my hands when out shopping etc and does not think there is anything odd about that. The world is a more accepting place and I really don't think most people give a monkeys if two people are holding hands whilst chatting.

That's the other thing, because he is quite awkward I wonder if he went along with it because he didn't want to hurt his friends feelings

Stop it.

He genuinely wouldn't look twice or assume if two straight men were holding hands

Ok so ten years in, no affection to you and he is just dropping this shit now?

Your either in serious denial which is understandable or this is a wind up

How is he with soft furnishings?

How is he with soft furnishings?

whilst I agree the behaviour is unusual, it does annoy me when people assume to know someone else's sexualities from one MN post

Did you RTFT? Op said he has little to no interest in sex with her and has had crushes on men in the past so this really isn't just about the hand holding thing. If it were just the hand thing then I would agree with you, but it isn't.

Have you considered that his depression may be due to his difficulty accepting/expressing his sexual orientation? It is quite common among LGBTQ people who are not outed.

I am very sorry but I, too, believe that your husband is gay or at the very least bi, from everything you wrote. Holding hands in Britain has a very strong romantic connotation - adults won't hold hands with someone they're not romantically interested in. Also, he already admitted he thought he had feelings for a friend in his teens. It sounds to me like he is desperately trying to convince himself he is not gay/bi (which is very sad!). At the same time, it is very unfair to you.