Husband holding hands with male friend.

[User3679963]

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

Sounds like he doesn’t want to admit to himself he’s gay or the very least bi-sexual. I’ve never known any straight male to hold hands with another male... apart from my uncle but he’s as gay as they come.
I’d question his friend about it and see if you can get to the bottom of it.

@strictlymomdancing

Hes sees friend a couple of times a year but holds hands - how does that prove he isn't gay? In my view, maybe they meet and have romantic relations twice a year......

My male friends are mostly straight with some of them being Bi, they all show affection through holding hands and hugging. My OH and our mutual friend all know each other through secondary school. My OH and him are very affectionate, I don’t t mind it at all in fact it’s a running joke that if mutual friend turned up OH would choose him to greet first over me 😂. I think it’s nice that they are affectionate, I doubt you would think anything of it if it was two female friends holding hands. Is it because he’s less affectionate with you op? Maybe you should talk about your feelings to your OH? Xx

Really?? You all hold hands? I've never seen this. Exactly the same for women and my friends would think it very odd if I suddenly began doing that!

Hugging friends yes, my husband will give a quick hug to a male friend but holding hands? Nope. I've no idea what I would think OP.

My male friends all grew up together, and there's lots of physical bonding, hugging when they meet, slapping of backs, wrestling when they are drunk, and they are really quite affectionate with each other. Walking down the street holding hands-nope, all men tend not to do this in the UK as they are likely to get their heads kicked in unless they are in an area which is more progressive (e.g. gay area of a city).

No-one can say what is going on in your husband's head. I don't think this is a 'sign' he's gay, any more than his confusion over his friend many years ago means he's gay now. Even if he were bisexual now in interest, this is not an impediment to a happy marriage if your sex life is fine and you feel loved and attractive to him and he's faithful.

The issue is with the fact he's not physically affectionate or sexual with you and that's a big issue to you as you read it (probably correctly) that he's not that interested in you physically and that's very hurtful. I don't know the way forward other than some counselling but I would find not being desired very difficult.

I was on the fence, leaning towards your DH being gay, until you posted about the friend no longer living with another male friend because women thought they were a couple.
OP, that doesn't make any sense. It makes sense if in fact they were a couple in some sense and no longer are. And now your husband and this man are in some kind of romantic/sexual situation.

You seem to be bending over backwards and tying yourself in knots to justify his behaviour.

He doesn't have sex with you, maybe two or three times a year. He is not intimate with uou either.

He openly walks about holding his male friend's hand. Apart from the very small minority trying to say it's the norm. Look around you op. When do you ever see two adult straight men down Tesco doing their shopping or walking down the high street holding hands?

When do you even see two adult women doing it?

You don't. And neither Does your husband see it. So he knows. As do you. You both know. As adults, when going about our daily business we do not hold hands with people unless in a romantic relationship, or either in some way disabled or intoxicated etc.

It sounds like you are both in denial. That is difficult because if you question it he will deny and he won't admit it so you end up in a cycle of denial.

I have lived in London and in a small Scottish village and have never seen two men holding hands.

Well, unless they were gay, of course.

I am bemused by the numbers of PP who apparently see quantities of men holding hands on a daily basis.

I have several times asked if he was gay. Never in an accusatory tone so he would shut down. He swears he isn't. He likes holding hands with me when we get a chance and he is very cuddly but its intermittent. Hes very strong minded so I really do believe that if he was, he would be honest, and proud. If hes happy to admit that his friend held his hand once and to argue that there nothing wrong with it, I'm pretty sure he would be honest if he gay. He sees no stigma in homosexuality and nor do his friends and family so I see no reason for him to cover it up, especially since he knows I'm fair, and would keep a good relationship with him and for our child sake were we to part. Other than sharing a home, he would have nothing to lose

Cancel the cheque
Your husband is queer
Sorry if this is a shock to you

Right so everything’s fine, why are you posting on here?

OP- you keep saying you think its fine yet you posted this on MN for "perspective". You have already said he's had crushes on male friends in the past. So clearly he has had feelings for men at some point in his life.
Clearly, there is doubt in your mind about this or else you wouldnt have posted it.

Bottom line is: are you happy to continue in this relationship with the lack of affection/sex?

Putting aside any issues about his sexuality, if the answer is no, then it needs to be addressed doesnt it?

"Men should be more expressive"

#holds hands

Aaaah he must be gay!!!

It's unusual but I think it's quite sweet

@BedSprings, rather be a clever dick than a gullible one. Not talking about the op either.

After your update, it seems that your biggest problem is the lack of sex in your marriage.

I would insist that you go to couples counselling in that case.

Do you believe your husband when he denies being gay?

Lots of men and women are in marriages that they do not want to break up for lots of reasons - social, financial , decency kindness being the main ones. your husband may be like this? he may love and care for you deeply and have no intention of leaving you, but he is still bi/ gay

my husband says yes its normal.. if your gay and gave me a stare like i was wierd so had to explain it was a mumsnet post.

You can be liberal and accepting of gay people, have gay friends etc...and still struggle with coming out and living as an openly gay or bisexual man. Especially if you are married to a woman and have a child.

He thought he might be attracted to a male friend in his youth. Maybe he was struggling with his sexuality in his youth, decided to ‘be straight’ and is now realising that he really isn’t?

The fact he wouldn’t go to couples counselling with you but sought his own counselling suggests that there are things he doesn’t want to bring out in the open with you, in the context of your relationship, in front of a counsellor who might probe or challenge.

That, coupled with the lack of intimacy and this odd hand holding situation, do point towards him being gay or bi and in denial.

He sees no stigma in homosexuality and nor do his friends and family so I see no reason for him to cover it up.

Well, no. But he may not be so keen on the fall-out from the divorce.

I think he's gay.

I think he told you for one of two reasons

1. Someone you know saw him and he's trying to get his side of the story in first.

1. He can't tell you he's gay, so he's trying to tell you in a roundabout way by creating doubt in your head over his sexuality.

I barely hold hands with my husband when out in public.

I would think it very strange if he was walking about town holding hands with his best friend!

There's nothing wrong with it, but I'd worry what it means for your relationship. My DP is quite effeminate, and always affectionate with his friends in terms of hugging, putting his arm around their shoulder etc and they love him for it (especially the gruff, alpha male types). I think it's super sweet. But he's never held anyone's hand but mine. It just wouldn't occur to him.

Op, you also know full well women don't stay away from men who house share and assume they are gay. Plenty of people house share, it's very normal, you must know that.

If women assumed they were a gay couple then it's because of their behaviour, not because they shared a house.

Your husband doesn't wish sex with uou, has admitted to homosexual feelings in the past, and holds his Male friend's hand when going for a coffee or whatever.

Cmon, you have to be able to see it?

It’s not normal for straight British men in British culture to hold hands but you know that from this thread. We (and he) can debate whether or not he is gay/bicurious/whatever but I’m not sure that’s the main point.

Why do you only have sex 2-3 times a year? And are you happy in a relationship with that little sexual desire or would you prefer a more passionate marriage? These are the questions I think you should be asking yourself. Mumsnet can’t help with them unfortunately.

OP, I realise this is going to sound incredibly crass, but if your partner doesn't want to have sex with you, does it really matter why?

You sound incredibly naive, and clutching at straws, which is fine, honestly. You don't have to face your suspicions if you don't want to, but please don't present a story on AIBU such as this and think that we'll all join in the musing and wandering, and say "mm, so strange? I wonder what it could be", when it's so freaking obvious.

If you want sensitive support, and room to explore options, ask to move to the relationships threads.

Because honestly, on AIBU, if it looks like and a duck, and walks like a duck, we're all going to scream "it's a fucking duck!", not surmise what kind of mallard it might be.

I truly think at this stage it would be better for your state of mind to just leave it for a while. Try and forget about it all, and see if you can get back on an even keel.

You are both keen to maintain the status quo, but to do that you have to stop picking at it.