Husband holding hands with male friend.

[User3679963]

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

I held hands, and had a sexual relationship, with my best friend as a teen. I was very confused about my sexuality due to extenuating circumstances and realised I was straight at around 18. I'd never dream of holding hands with another man as an adult. No issues with a hug though.

Your husband has had the feelings of being homosexual, and acting on them, before. Inclined to believe your husband is homo/bi given your information.

Lack of libido can be caused by many things. The lack of affection is entirely different.

I hold my friends hands. My husband used to cuddle with his friends. It’s completely normal to some people.

@Google31

I completely understand where you're coming from. I am a church organist and know plenty of ministers who are of African origin.

I was also brought up in the Baptist faith and am aware of the biblical references to gay men, and how they are going to go to Hell.

I just wondered how your friend (or any gay African man) can bear the thought of actively lying to his future wife? Doesn't he think it would be utterly reprehensible to do this?

I'm sure he does, actually. I am never sure what the answer is to this one. Do people really get married so that their parents are not regarded as having spawned a homosexual?

Answer - yes, clearly they do.

Not an easy one to negotiate, really.

OP - I was married to a man who denied his sexuality. He lost his virginity to me when he was 30 years old and we had two DC.

Gradually, after our second baby was born, he withdrew from me sexually.

As already stated, he was happier with the notion that our relationship had irretrievably broken down (and therefore we had no option but to divorce) than he was to admit to the world at large that he was, in fact, gay.

He became a monster before we divorced. If anyone had told me that he was going to be capable of treating me so badly, I would have laughed at them.

I had a serious mental breakdown as a result of our divorce, and what he put me through just so that he could achieve it.

But God forbid that anyone should find out that he was gay. No, sirree.

Is masculinity / male heterosexuality so fragile that it is threatened (or undermined) by bodily contact?

Sorry but I find this all a bit sad. There are even posts on this thread that feel it necessary to call a hug between two men a “man-hug”. Is it really so fragile that any kind of affection between two men needs a prefix before it?

Maybe your husband is gay. Or maybe he just loves his friend and they are the ones who are so sure in their sexuality that they aren’t afraid at showing signs of affection towards each other.

Given how fragile masculinity seemingly is (and given how so many woman on this thread are perpetuating this fragility, I feel actually glad that I am gay. And even though I am gay, my male platonic friends have absolutely no problem in giving me a hug or a handshake (someone on this thread actually said that men feel uncomfortable when they have to give another man a handshake!!!).

Does the concept (for want or a better word) of male affection really evoke such a stereotypical reaction out of people that their first thought is that such people who can be affectionate are gay?

God, it must be crap being a straight male.

• @TheMustressMhor*

I am so sorry you had to go through that, my friend clearly doesn’t want to marry a woman and comes up with all kinds of silly excuses as reasons for his refusal of any marriage proposal, he is 40. A lot of the time he believes in these excuses himself as it’s easier to do so than to admit to himself that he is gay. I don’t even bother to push him to come out cos I know he is not ready to do so.And I know he is not prepared to walk out on his family like others have done.Its also not just about the family but the whole community would judge and ostracize his family.

I’m sorry, it really sounds like he is gay. He’s probably been seen by a neighbour so told you and made it seem like the other guy was a little unusual. If my husband’s friend held his hand, he would snatch it away and ask why not walk around town like a couple.

It's an odd thing to do if he's not homosexual. In fact Iv never known two men do that unless they are gay

God, it must be crap being a straight male

eh- I know plenty of straight men who hug each other, kiss each other on the cheek and are generally very expressive and affectionate with each other etc

But holding hands is different. Its an intimate thing to do. I would not like my husband to be holding hands with another woman- does that mean life is "crap" for him? lol

If you actually RTFT you will see there are other reasons the OP has given. Do you not find it odd he only has sex with OP twice a year? that seems pretty crap FOR HER in my opinion.......

Sorry, my guess would be that he's in a relationship with this guy 😢

I lived in South Korea for several years and there male hand holding was common, you even saw soldiers doing it on patrol (highly militarised society).
Haven't rtft but would have more issues about the lack of sex. I love men being affectionate with each other

Beautifulstranger101

You’ve completely missed my point.

I also know many straight men who hug each other and are generally very expressive. There is nothing wrong (or gay) about that. My point is to rather be critical of the posters on this thread who are saying things like:

*Men feel uncomfortable giving another man a handshake.

*Men don’t do affection.

*when a man gives a hug it’s a “man hug”

Those kind of comments was what I was aiming my comment at.

I have read the full thread. I don’t feel however that you have read my full comment, or if you have, you’ve not understood what I am trying to say. That may be my fault for not being clear enough.

But if you did read my full comment you would have seen where I wrote :”your husband may be gay”.

To be succinct however, my comment wasn’t really addressed to the OP other than the above remark. My comment was addressed to the many people who had wrote the kind of things that I singled out at the top of my reply to you.

Dubai absolutely has a culture of men holding hands. The posters who stated that it couldn’t because it’s religious and conservative clearly have no understanding of the culture. Men holding hands is not viewed in the same way as it is here - it is something that platonic friends do and is perfectly acceptable. There is therefore nothing about the act of men holding hands that contradicts the conservative and religious views. It’s as normal as greeting others with a handshake.

He’s gay. End of.

It’s very very obvious.

That’s it OP

End of. The previous poster has spoken.

It's totally irrelevant what other cultures do. In British culture in 2020, heterosexual men do not hold hands with other men.

What’s British culture?

What’s British culture?

It's the culture in Britain .
Hth

Other countries have cultures too...unsurprisingly

Does he hold your hand when walking down the street?

No it doesn’t help formerbabe

Can you describe British culture to me?

Sorry I’ve just read back through and seen your comments regarding you and he holding hands, along with the lack of intimacy. I’d say he’s in denial and living a lie.

Years ago women friends used to link arms together, didn’t they? Holding hands down the street is odd though, but if you have had clear signs from him to make you believe he is gay, what do you think about the future, also the impact on the family would be.

No I don't know any straight or gay men who would walk around holding hands with another man who was just a friend.

Can you describe British culture to me?

Culture is about society and the generally expected and accepted behaviours and customs.

People from different countries and cultures can happily exist in a different country with a different culture, but the op has already said her dh is British.

Do you not think there is a British culture?

If not, do you think other countries have their own cultures?

I’ll ask again,

Can you describe British culture to me.

I didn’t ask for an explanation of what you think the word culture means.

Is his friend a Muslim as they do hold hands with other men platonically.