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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband holding hands with male friend.

484 replies

User3679963 · 18/01/2020 10:00

I would like a little perspective please.

My husband told me that a male friend (who he rarely sees) holds his hand when they meet up. I think this is odd, I cant imagine walking through town to see my husband holding hands with his friend. But my husband genuinely sees nothing wrong with it. When I said I thought it was odd, he stared at me blankly and just said 'Sorry I dont see what's wrong with it.' His friend is straight, as is my husband (although during his teens he apparently used to hold hands with another male friend, who he thought he had feelings for but in the end they were just very good friends. They both had hard upbringings and were like brothers).
I asked him if he thought it appropriate to hold a female friends hand, and he said if she was to reach for his hand he wouldn't have an issue with it. We are all British, so it's not a cultural thing. (I know in some cultures it's the norm for male friends to hold hands)
So as not to drop feed, my husband isn't the most affectionate person. We're intimate on average once every 4 months, sometimes 6, and he sees this as normal and has no worries about it. We rarely kiss other than a peck when one of us is going out, and hes not the type to cuddle up on the sofa in the evenings (it wasn't like this before we got married) So I can't tell if he is either genuinely detached emotionally, so something like hand holding isn't an intimate action to him, or whether there is more to this.

I'm sorry if this seems like a ridiculous thing to ask.

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 18/01/2020 22:12

I think ripples101 is just really enjoying their Saturday night 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷

MissBax · 18/01/2020 22:17

Ripples has been on the tipples

ripples101 · 18/01/2020 22:17

The only example so far is is men holding hands is not part of British culture.

Britain is multicultural however

I do agree - sorry for being argumentative but people throw out terms without thinking them through.

I hold my boyfriends hand. I’m British.

I’m just as much British as anyone else here

Gay people exist. In Britain.

Straight people exist in Britain.

Posts in this thread have said that men are uncomfortable with any male affection.

That is not true

Holding hands is a sign of romantic involvement in western culture, but not in other cultures across the world.

These other cultures have been welcomed into British society. We celebrate our inclusiveness apparently.

Yet for many in this thread, this act means one thing and one thing only. That the ops husband is gay.

Black and white for such posters.

SilverPinkDaisies · 18/01/2020 22:18

He is gay, I’m sorry.

I knew an Asperger person who was more interested in porn than me

He didn’t hold hands etc

He had had gay encounter

He is probably gay

Your husband is gay, you have my sympathy.

ripples101 · 18/01/2020 22:18

Lol I am a little bit tipsy!! 🤗

formerbabe · 18/01/2020 22:19

Britain is multicultural however

Yes thats why I said other cultures can happily exist in it

formerbabe · 18/01/2020 22:20

Holding hands is a sign of romantic involvement in western culture, but not in other cultures across the world.

Well duh, that was my point Hmm

MissBax · 18/01/2020 22:21

Ripples, these are the previous examples given -

British culture is not correcting someone when they say “good morning” at 1pm, apologising to them when they’ve bumped into you, not being overly touchy feely if you’re both men

Like farming, fish and chips, wet weekends in Wales, camping, stiff upper lip

You must have missed them.

I'm also going to add on afternoon tea, soaps and reality TV shows haha

formerbabe · 18/01/2020 22:22

These other cultures have been welcomed into British society. We celebrate our inclusiveness apparently.

Yes no one has denied that

Yet for many in this thread, this act means one thing and one thing only. That the ops husband is gay.

The op said her husband is British and not from a culture where men hold hands in a non romantic way.

Jeez, put the wine down and read this thread back once you're sober

ripples101 · 18/01/2020 22:24

duh?

Are you a child?

All I did was ask you a question.

ripples101 · 18/01/2020 22:26

😀 so that’s British culture!!!

Thanks missbax

🤣

Yestermost · 18/01/2020 22:26

I don't even that often see men holding hands who are gay and I lived in Brighton for 5 years.

formerbabe · 18/01/2020 22:26

All I did was ask you a question

Yes which I answered several times

Honestly love, put the wine down and go to bed

ripples101 · 18/01/2020 22:27

No you didn’t answer it once formerbabe.

MimiLaRue · 18/01/2020 22:30

Yet for many in this thread, this act means one thing and one thing only. That the ops husband is gay

um...no, that wasnt why lots of us felt the OP's husband was gay. It was ALSO because he did this within the context of also telling OP he had held hands with a male friend he had a crush on when he was younger, OP said he gives her no affection and they have sex only twice a year.

In THIS specific context, yes, him holding hands with a man would certainly indicate he is not being totally open about his sexuality.

formerbabe · 18/01/2020 22:32

No you didn’t answer it once formerbabe

Odfod

ripples101 · 18/01/2020 22:37

yeah That’s a fair comment mimi

My first comment on this thread I said that the ops husband may be gay.

But then my first comment was more about criticising those who said that men simply don’t show affection to each other, and being critical of how fragile masculinity seemingly is amongst heterosexual men.

That’s the angle I’m coming from in all of this.

ripples101 · 18/01/2020 22:38

Formerbabe,

No I won’t dear.

😛

eminencegrise · 18/01/2020 22:40

Eh? Some people have homosexual encounters and are not gay or are bi. Not just encounters but sex! Yes!

June705 · 18/01/2020 22:42

Gay

bluebells100 · 18/01/2020 22:43

All I’ve asked is for a poster to define British culture. That poster has so far not defined what British culture is.

Why should she need to, you should know yourself if you live here. Or do you think Britain hasn’t got one. Confused

whattodo2019 · 18/01/2020 22:44

Are you sure you DH isn't gay?

Mummyshark2019 · 18/01/2020 22:53

He is gay.

aroundtheworldyet · 18/01/2020 22:56

Are people still going on and on at this thread

squeamishsquamish · 18/01/2020 22:57

I can't think of any reason why two grown men would hold hands unless they were in love with each other and wanted to bond publicly.

Ah! If one of them was blind. That would work.