What would life we like without children?

[SummerRay1994]

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

For background I’m nowhere near ready to have children (I’m 25 and partner is 27), we both have very demanding - but well paid - jobs, both working 50+ hours a week at the moment but we recently bought a nice “family” sized home close to good schools/community and it has always been our plan to have children when I’m between 30-35. However, as we get older and life gets more complicated with work, a house, pets, bills etc etc I’ve started to wonder more and more how we would cope with children and whether I even want to have any? Am I being unreasonable? Selfish?

@WombleOfTheThighs, because it's a public forum that we are members of, so can.
Also because we are by and large being insulted.

If you don't desperately want children, seriously don't do it.

I went into pregnancy having never even really held a baby or had anything to do with children. We have 3 kids as I didn't feel done after the second.

It's bloody hard! The baby stage is physically exhausting but to be honest it doesn't get easier, the challenges just changed.

Mine are all still primary school age, I haven't even gotten to the teenage years yet!

I don't regret them, but I do think if I'd really known what I was in for, I wouldn't have bothered.

I'm not very altruistic or patient, which appear to be very necessary for raising kids to be successful grown ups.

Do not have kids because everyone else is. That way madness lies! X

@wesdxc12 I get that, but in a ‘fair’ society, we all contribute when we can and draw from it when we need to.

I’ve pointed out that I have happily contributed for many years and not taken ANYTHING. I even buy my bloody contraceptive pills from Superdrug Online rather than the NHS.

I contribute to schools, dentists, NHS, child benefits etc and plan to do so until I am retired. All things which your children presumably make use of.

I’m almost mortgage free at 33 and have decent savings. Unless something really awful happens, I don’t expect to require state support. BUT it is there for me (and so it should be) if I need it.

Should your children become contributing members of society, then their tax contributions towards my hospital care will be repayment for what I put into their child benefits, schooling and whatever else.

If they don’t become contributors for whatever reason, should they be denied disability or other state benefits because they haven’t contributed to the pot?

I guess people who don't have kids won't regret not having them because they don't know what it's like to have them, iykwim.

It's so unbelievably life changing, don't just have then for the sake of it. I wasn't that bothered, husband was. I'm so glad I did though.

You will cope, it just comes down to if you actually want them or not.

Why are you on a parenting site childless people? Seriously? Again? It was a link to a funny (non child related) thread from a non parent based site that brought me here initially. I’ve stayed here probably for the same reason parents are commenting on a thread asking for the opinions and experiences of people who have chosen to remain child free. It’s not specifically aimed at you, but it’s interesting and welcoming despite your reproductive history.

OP, if you want reassurance that it’s ok to not have children, then I hope you’ve got it. Child free life is bloody lovely if that’s your choice. The only important thing to remember is to make the right choice for you, and not to feel pressured in either direction.

@SummerRay1994 - I have many friends who don’t have dc. It not a selfish choice at all! In fact I think most of us have dc for selfish reasons and that’s okay too.

My childless friends have a lovely life. Some would have chosen to have a dc if circumstances were different. But most not. Many are extra generous with time and resources with nieces, nephews and godchildren.

While I don’t regret having children, and always knew I would, I do feel it’s a very reasonable life choice not to. And comes with the perks of a weekend lie in!

I guess people who don't have kids won't regret not having them because they don't know what it's like to have them, iykwim.

True. But as someone who finds living with other people suffocating, and being quite certain I’d loathe parenthood, I’d have to be a complete idiot to try it in order to find out what I’m missing.

Honestly I think I would be dead if I hadn't had my children. Having DD was what spurred me into action to get better (struggled with mental health for years)

For me it was the right choice and I am a million miles away from who I once was. Parenting is terribly hard at times but I couldn't imagine life without them.

That is not to say I don't envy childless people sometimes!!!! 😁

I guess people who don't have kids won't regret not having them because they don't know what it's like to have them, iykwim.

Or because they genuinely don’t want them? If you’re happy and fulfilled being a parent then that’s great. Good for you. Glad you’re happy. But is it really too far of a stretch to see that not everybody wants that?

@Sn0tnose no, why so defensive? But you don't have the same comparative view as someone who does have them. You can't regret what you've never had? You can regret what you have had though - i.e. having kids!

No selfish not to have dc. At all.

Not

If a person is sure they don't want kids then great. However it must be a great burden to realise too late that you do want them..

Also to have your fertility taken away like some women who go along with husband/partner who say they don't want any children, only to be discarded early 40s whilst he remarries and has children.

I think though there can definitely be regret on both sides. Some people do regret having children and some people do regret not having them, which one is easier to live with?

Some people do regret having children and some people do regret not having them, which one is easier to live with?

The thing about regretting not having them is that you can never know how they'd have turned out. They might have grown up to be lovely adults, or they might have grown up to be serial-killers. They might have been the mainstay of your old age or they might have emigrated to Australia and never contacted you again.

I'd love to start a genuine thread asking if people think that childfree-by-choice people shouldn't be on MN at all, but fear I'd be labelled as 'goady', when I really want to know! (In case anyone hasn't RTFT, or hasn't seen my posts, I am childfree, by choice, with absolutely no regrets, at 53). I suspect a small minority do believe we shouldn't be here.

If I'd had a child at the age my mum had me, the child would be about 15 now. In a parallel universe I might be:

• Sitting here happily as I am now while my child is upstairs revising for GCSEs or whatever exams they take nowadays.

• Pacing round the room tearing my hair out because my child went out last night with their crowd of dodgy friends and hasn't come home yet.

I’m very happily child free. I’ve never had that maternal instinct. I don’t really like being in the company of children, and find playing games, watching cartoons etc really dull.

I love my 2 year old niece, but would never choose to have my own child.

I’m have a great job, travel a lot, have no money worries, a lovely partner who luckily feels the same way as I do about children.

It's been done before, Womble. They descend quickly into a bun-fight, however well-intentioned the OP.

@Sn0tnose no, why so defensive? But you don't have the same comparative view as someone who does have them. You can't regret what you've never had? You can regret what you have had though - i.e. having kids!

@imamearcat Not defensive, more frustration. I understand that I don’t know what it’s like, that there’ll be an overwhelming feeling of love that I couldn’t possibly imagine etc, etc. I get all of that, but I still didn’t want children. It was a conscious choice that I’ve never regretted.

Compare that to someone who doesn’t have children because they weren’t sure, or they left it too late thinking that they had plenty of time, or didn’t meet the right person, or any of a dozen other reasons. To say you can’t regret what you never had is simply wrong. It’s not the same thing at all.

I suspected as such, Memory. All the childfree threads turn out this way. I think some people with children see it as a personal attack when others don't want children and can't see the appeal.

Mumsnet has plenty of threads that are nought to do with children, even the ones about children the input is just as valuable from someone childfree as someone who isn't. I think it's great that a wide variety of people use the forums to be honest, and completely understand why.

The thing about regretting not having them is that you can never know how they'd have turned out.

And the thing about regretting having them is that it’s a bit late to change your mind at that point.

Ive experienced life before kids AND after and for me, after is way better.
Ive been able to compare both sides.

If you dont have kids you cannot do that- thats not a "bash" btw, but just saying its easier to compare the two if you have experienced both.

just saying its easier to compare the two if you have experienced both.

But there’s a big difference between not having kids because you haven’t done it yet, and not having them as an active choice.

The only way to experience both is to decide to have kids & as I said upthread, if you then realise you were right in the first place & that you do hate parenting, you’re a bit stuck.

Ive experienced life before kids AND after and for me, after is way better. Ive been able to compare both sides.

You've experienced the "no children yet" life. You haven't experienced the "not going to have children" life.