What would life we like without children?

[SummerRay1994]

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

For background I’m nowhere near ready to have children (I’m 25 and partner is 27), we both have very demanding - but well paid - jobs, both working 50+ hours a week at the moment but we recently bought a nice “family” sized home close to good schools/community and it has always been our plan to have children when I’m between 30-35. However, as we get older and life gets more complicated with work, a house, pets, bills etc etc I’ve started to wonder more and more how we would cope with children and whether I even want to have any? Am I being unreasonable? Selfish?

Childfree by choice here.

This is mostly as I’m selfish. That’s in a way I’m fine with - I like treating me, and I had a pretty poor childhood so making up for lost time (clean clothes?! A warm house and no violence! Luxury!).

I love seeing my nephews and nieces, they’re delightful. Magical. But it’s not for me and it’d be worse for me to be a bad mother just for the sake of being a mother. I had a bad upbringing and I’m not willing to compromise someone else’s life for my indulgence. I see others who are amazing parents and that just reinforces my choice more.

Funnily enough... because I had a bad start I do try and be nice and caring to people. So they’re genuinely shocked and sort of annoyed by it. But I can be caring without needing to take on any motherly role. I just think we’ve inherited a way of thinking on parenthood and it’s taking a while to review that.

I know 11 women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who never had children. None of them regret that choice, with one exception and she’s someone who always really wanted children but her husband didn’t . She went along with his wishes and now regrets that. But all the other women I know who are child free have no regrets.
Equally I know many many women who do have children, and only one or two seem to really regret having them.
So in my experience people generally seem to make the right choice for themselves and very few end up with regrets.

I see lots of posts in this thread saying they know parents regret their choices but hardly any saying that childless people do and yet I personally know of quite a few people who regret not having kids and its a great source of sadness for them.

I would guess the majority wanted them but couldn’t have them, which is different from choosing not to and regretting that choice.

I’m quite unusual, I suspect, in originally wanting children but no longer regretting not having them.

@Goatinthegarden mic drop

Having children is literally the most selfish thing you can do.

What a load of shite.

Neither choice is selfish

I have a child now and am mid 30s. I agree with PPs that having children is selfish - you aren't doing it for other people nor for them and if you think you are I question if perhaps you're a tad narcissistic. Similarly I agree that there is nothing more annoying than people who become parents and almost immediately think that only other people with children can give an opinion on things. Personally I was indifferent regarding children for a long time but then decided I did want them and struggled with unexplained infertility until I conceived. I thought long and hard about it - I don't think you should have children on a whim. I don't regret it at all but it is hard work and an extra responsibility which I chose to take on. If you aren't sure, don't do it. You can have a perfectly wonderful and fulfilling life

I'm totally on the fence.

I joined this site just because my partner and I have started having unprotected sex with the possibility of getting pregnant.

Now I realise I could have joined a lot sooner!

I have decided to let nature take its course. If we get one great if we don't it's ok. I'm 36 and always assumed I was old / infertile anyway.

As a childfree person, I come to Mumsnet as people on here are hilarious.

@beautifulstranger101

Of course there will people on both sides will have regrets/zero regrets.

I thought you were talking about people having the perception that it’s only people with kids who have regrets.

I was saying that it’s very much a given in our society that people think the childless are sad and regretful.

@JorisBonson.

@SunbeamsOverhead I don’t understand why you are commented on this thread? The op asked what life would be like without children and you’ve just talked about life with children.

Re the below: * This too!!

"Those without though, remember some day in the future you will be reliant on other people's children for your every need as they will be the ones in employment paying your pensions, and working in jobs necessary for your health, housing and well being. Time to be grateful for others putting up with the 'misery' of parenting*

I’ll be grateful to you children when I’m older - I await your reply saying you are grateful for me and all the other child Fred people on this thread who are paying taxes for YOUR children’s healthcare, schooling and dentistry and for the children allowance you receive.

You are welcome.

I was saying that it’s very much a given in our society that people think the childless are sad and regretful

Oh I see what you mean. Yes, i agree that we do have societal pressures although I would hope that nowadays the 2.4 kids ideal has kind of waned due to all sorts of blended families and unconventional couples etc

I certainly dont see people without kids like that at all. I have tremendous respect for someone who knows they dont want them and doesnt have them. Far more people should choose not to have kids that deep down, they really dont want!

There are advantages and disadvantages to every single life choice we make and there will be advantages to not having kids and advantages to having them. I was just trying to express that it disappoints me that in any discussion of the choice not to have kids, it always seems to end up in a bashing of parents with lots of anecdotes about the hideous whiny parents people know and all the regretful parents who wish they never had kids etc.

We can fully support a woman's choice not to have kids without slagging off or denigrating those who do- does that make sense?

I have children - teens.
Def don’t regret it. It was hard when they were little but that’s only for a short time.
If I hadn’t been able to have them I’m sure life would be very different - job-wise, would’ve travelled more. But I’m not hugely ambitious and there’s time for more travel.
We’ve always gone out as a couple, had babysitters etc. never not had ‘date night’. Was one of my reasons for stopping at 2.

The OP is asking childfree people if they regret not having children, NOT people with children if they regret having them. How hard is that to understand?

Threads like this are kind of pointless really because you are just getting over people's views. You could go on to have kids and regret it, or love it. Same if you don't. Whatever you decide there will be joy and sadness in your life and neither choice is the most superior one regardless of what some parents on here would have you believe.

Make the decision for you and your husband.

Oh and don't feel the need to justify being on here.

Those without though, remember some day in the future you will be reliant on other people's children for your every need as they will be the ones in employment paying your pensions, and working in jobs necessary for your health, housing and well being. Time to be grateful for others putting up with the 'misery' of parenting

I’m laughing imagining the conversation-

Man: Darling, do you think it’s time we considered having a baby?

Woman: A baby, man, a baby?? Why would we ever have a baby. We have a wonderful and fulfilling life and a wonderful relationship where we have the time, money, and energy to spend on each other, our work, our family, and hobbies. Why would we have a baby?

Man: Well my love, you see, I’m worried that, in a world with a population estimated to hit about 10 billion by 2060, there’ll be a shortage of bricklayers

Woman: A shortage of bricklayers?? Good god man, stop what you’re doing and mount me immediately.

Both (post-coitally): Future generations will thank us.

—————————— Fin ——————————

I've just done a quick count up of the 50 threads in 'active threads' -

30 threads - not parenting/pregnancy/conception related
13 parenting/pregnancy/conception related

(others MN sponsored)

@blueshoes

People do of course love their parents, friends and pets deeply, but until you are a parent, it is not quite the same

@MGC31, then you would also find in working in any early years job role/setting boring. Any of us could give a list of job roles we would find boring.
It's difficult to describe wanting children. I had secondary infertility. I did a degree while waiting for my body to sort itself out. There was a permanent empty ache. If we booked holidays in advance, there was sadness because I didn't have to consider the possibility of being pregnant. If I did a risky sport or was drinking, it again reminded me that I didn't have to be careful about possibly being pregnant. Happily I had two more. I'm now enjoying my grandchildren. I do overnight care and am planning a holiday for just us. I do this while my DD is working/away herself.

It annoys me a bit that my child free sister latches on to the family I created. She was very insulting towards me because of my choices and didn't bother with my children at all.

OP, don't worry about this. One of my DD's was were you are. At 34, her and her DP have decided that they don't want children. They are heavily involved with my grandchildren, love having them, but also love giving them back. Like you they don't see were they'd fit them in, full time, unless they gave something up and the desire to have them isn't strong enough to be happy with the trade off.

I always wanted more Siblings, but having seen large families were no one bothers with each other, I know families don't equal company or support.

Oh dear I pressed post when trying to highlight lol. What I was going to say @blueshoes is that I had heard this loads from people but personally do not find that it isn't quite the same. I love my DH just as deep and overwhelmingly as my DC. It isnt a romantic love with her but it's the same cant be without them love

Have children because you want them not because you feel you might miss out but don't wake up in your late 30s expecting that just because you've now come to the conclusion that you are ready that it will magically happen - I'm in my mid 30s and a good 75% of my friends/family/acquaintances within my age group and 5 years older have struggled to conceive - going through recurrent miscarriages, infertility and IVF

Most have come to the devastating conclusion that they had let the best years of their fertility go by whilst they were travelling/socialising/doing what they wanted/spending time with their husbands/figuring out whether kids could fit in their already busy lives and had a rather rude awakening when they realised they were "ready" to sacrifice/compromise on their lifestyles but couldn't get/stay pregnant

I find that single people need to shout about how great thier lives are in order to justify why they didn’t want children. It’s natural to wonder about the grass being greener on the other side. Just own your decision.
Some people are too selfish to have kids, some couldn’t do try and fine meaning in not having them, some don’t like looking after others, some prefer to go out clubbing every weekend until they are 60, some people find more meaning in their job, some people never find someone to parent with, there’s a million reasons. Just like there’s a million reasons why people do have kids - contraception failure, society expectations, family expectations, true desire to nurture another being, wanting to leave a legacy, boredom, because everyone else it, broodiness.
There’s plenty of people who have kids who shouldn’t have and are terrible parents, I wish they had realised before they did have kids. Equally there’s lots of childless people who would make brilliant parents
Each to their own. Choose what’s right for you. I had 2 sets of parents (adopted) and neither set should have been parents. I chose to have kids in spite of that and aim to be the best parent I can be. Doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally dream of living the single life of a high powered business woman in London, sipping cocktails every night and travelling the world. But I would still choose kids every time.

@beautifulstranger101 We can fully support a woman's choice not to have kids without slagging off or denigrating those who do- does that make sense?

I wholeheartedly agree. But I do think it’s important to be mindful of both the good and the bad parts of having children. I think for far too long, women have been told that having children is a blessing and necessity. Lots of people are still really unaware of the reality that for many it will not be a walk in the park.

@Goatinthegarden

You are missing my point. When you are elderly 'The State' will be other people's children. You will be reliant on those of working age for pretty much everything, including your pension. What you are paying in now isn't ring fenced in a pot for you to draw down on.

Just relax OP - I was like a child emotionally at your age and couldn't imagine how I could bring up children!

I had mine at 39 and 42. I wouldn't leave it that long but in about five years time you'll start to get your sensible head on and the idea of having children will likely look more attractive to you.

Or maybe it never will, and that's fine too!