What would life we like without children?

[SummerRay1994]

Interested to know whether anyone on here has chosen to not have children and whether they’ve regretted it or not?

For background I’m nowhere near ready to have children (I’m 25 and partner is 27), we both have very demanding - but well paid - jobs, both working 50+ hours a week at the moment but we recently bought a nice “family” sized home close to good schools/community and it has always been our plan to have children when I’m between 30-35. However, as we get older and life gets more complicated with work, a house, pets, bills etc etc I’ve started to wonder more and more how we would cope with children and whether I even want to have any? Am I being unreasonable? Selfish?

This too!!

"Those without though, remember some day in the future you will be reliant on other people's children for your every need as they will be the ones in employment paying your pensions, and working in jobs necessary for your health, housing and well being. Time to be grateful for others putting up with the 'misery' of parenting "

I personally cannot imagine my life without my children but this is because I had a difficult time as a child and did not feel anchored or grounded to anything and had serious addiction issues.

I had my children young and they became my focus and motivation to better myself, and achieve a career. I brought them up mainly on my own, it was often difficult and lonely.

I am 44 and they are all grown up and we have a really wonderful relationship.

I have friends who have chosen not to have children and who are equally as satisfied with their lives.

Husband and I are in our 40s and childfree by choice.

For us, it’s absolutely the right decision and while I know there would be amazing moments if we’d had kids, when we weighed up our circumstances from everything like health, to finance, to life goals and the simple fact that the biological urge to have a child just didn’t come to me, the choice not to have a child was the obvious one. For us. It doesn’t mean that we think parents made the wrong decision, it means they made a different one that suited them.

Because it was the right choice for us, I don’t have regrets about not being a parent. I’m not overly happy in my life but that’s because I suffer from near crippling anxiety, so every choice I made is rehashed in my brain over and over - having a child wouldn’t change that (it would just give me something else to panic over!) But yes, I do enjoy sleeping in, holidays, being on our own schedule etc.

PPopsicle

I'm not going to derail this thread, but every so often someone posts a 'tell me how you found Mumsnet' thread and the majority of people find it via Google - not necessarily when Googling pregnancy/child-related questions. That's how I found it. I wasn't going to ignore a potentially helpful search result just because the site was called 'Mumsnet'.

I think the tough thing for women particularly is that you really have a window of opportunity for kids and it's whether or not to do it! Ok so biologically you have to, let's say, 45 from whenever your period starts but realistically you aren't going to necessarily want a baby in your teens. Then you want to finish your education, find someone, get a job, maybe buy a house or at least find a home where you can bring children up, save some money, get married (I know not everyone will want to do all of these pre-babies). So that takes you maybe closer to 30 or even into your 30s. And so begins the countdown - fertility starts to decline at 35, risks increase, chance of even falling pregnant falls, what if you want more than one and so on. So I'd argue that from your late 20s to late 30s there is a real pressure on women to make this life-changing decision (not really the same for men - they could get to 45, suddenly decide they do want kids and find a younger woman to have them with).

I don't know what the answer is because it is so individual. You could get to 45 with no children and bitterly regret it. You could have a child and hate every second of parenting. You could try for children and not end up having any anyway. My only advice is to carefully consider how you think YOU will feel in the future- not your family or friends or how you think society will perceive you - if you get to 45 and have never even tried for a baby, how will you feel? If you think indifference, relief and / or happiness maybe kids aren't for you. If you think you'll be sad, regretful or unhappy then keep kids on the cards for the future. And reflect again in a few years - you may suddenly be hit with an all-consuming broodiness (hit me at 28!) or you may cement your feelings that childfree is the life for you. Whatever you do, make the decision for you and not based on what others do/think/feel/expect.

It’s a lifestyle choice. We all make different choices, based upon what interests us, what we want to do with our short time on this Earth. I do worry about those who don’t make an informed choice, particularly those who don’t make a shared decision if in a relationship. I have the greatest sympathy for those who would like a child but for whatever reasons it doesn’t happen.

Well. My life without children was PEACEFUL. But peaceful all the time is boring. I wouldn't swap mine.

@SunbeamsOverhead, no I don’t, but if you’d read the whole thread you would know that and know why.

I find it a bit weird to come on yo a parenting website to proclaim how awful kids are 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you? In isolation, perhaps, but not in response to the question posed by the op

The vast majority of topics on MN aren't anything to do with children/pregnancy. MN have also stated that they welcome everyone (apart from trolls etc), including men () whether they have children or not. I am not going to justify or explain to anyone why I'm on MN.

So, in the spirit of some posters: The OP asked childfree people if they regret not having them, why are people with children sticking their oars in?

@wesdxc12 Those without though, remember some day in the future you will be reliant on other people's children for your every need as they will be the ones in employment paying your pensions, and working in jobs necessary for your health, housing and well being. Time to be grateful for others putting up with the 'misery' of parenting

Currently, my DH and I are (happily) paying taxes (he pays more in tax than I earn gross in a year) which fund schools and other services that we will never use. We both supported ourselves through uni and neither of us have ever been unemployed or received any benefits of any kind. I am also working heavily on my pension and savings to fund my old age.

I (happily) spend a massive chunk of my wages on educational books, games and resources every year in my profession as a teacher to enhance the quality of education I give to other people’s children. I volunteer for a children’s charity for four weeks of my school holidays.

There is no guarantee when you birth a child that it will become a contributing member of society.

I think I’m doing my fair share for society and should I live long enough to require help from the state, I shall enjoy it wholeheartedly.

I don’t think a peaceful life equates to a boring life at all! I lead a very busy, interesting and full life but I love the fact that my home is always a peaceful place. Whenever I choose to I know I can retreat to my peaceful sanctuary, but if what I want is company/noise/chaos I can either go out and find it or invite it round to mine. Often host large gatherings with all the children of family and friends, which I enjoy, but it’s bliss when they leave!

I find it a bit weird to come on yo a parenting website to proclaim how awful kids are

I've just looked back through the thread and I can't see any posts from childfree people saying children are awful or words to that effect. The most anyone has said is that they're not very comfortable around children.

WombleOfTheThighs

OP- if you dont want kids then dont have them. You dont need to explain or justify, kids aren't for everyone and i admire people who know their own minds and dont do things just because they are "expected" but because they know its not for them. Its the responsible thing to do.

That said, I think the parent bashing in this thread is very unkind. You can choose to not have kids without labelling all parents as "regretful, moaners, complainers, or thinking they have it harder than anyone else".
I dont know any parents like this. Selfish whiny people will be selfish whiny people regardless of their reproductive choices. I know plenty of childless people who are just as selfish and whiny as the parents described in this thread.

As for feeling regret, I do know of childless people who deeply regret not having kids, just as I know people who say they regret having kids. So this idea that only people with kids "regret their choices" is simply not true and is often a defence mechanism wheeled out by people who seem to get off on the idea that all parents secretly regret their choices as a way to validate their own.

OP, do what you feel is best for you and ignore the rest. One thing that helped me was to imagine my life in 10/20 years time- what do you visualise? for me, I wanted a family but of course, that won't be the same for everyone so do whats right for you.

@Popsicle, I am on Mumsnet because I originally joined over ten years ago when I thought I might have children and find it an interesting place to stay on - better than and has replaced non-parenting websites such as iVillage. I also have friends and relatives with children. Actually most of my friends who don’t have children are also on here!

I’m child free by choice and I am loving my life. Absolutely no regrets what so ever. I’m 48 and it does appear to me that my friends with kids get a harder time the older the kids get, I work with a woman in her late 60s who is still supporting her kids in their 40s. Did that

@SunbeamsOverhead

people do tend to post only when they have a problem or a worry about their children.
They don't think "i know I'll go & post on MN about how much my children have enriched my life" fo they? Yes there are stresses & sacrifices but the other side of that is that you absolutely get back what you put in with kids. Kids change your perspective on so many things & teach you loads about yourself. They are totally worth it in my opinion.

I agree that kids can enrich a life. I learn lots from the little people that I teach and I can wholeheartedly see that I could enjoy being a parent. I also think that I have read lots on MN about how children enrich their lives and I take that onboard.

But I think it is important to consider both sides. Children ARE hard work. They DO change your life. I’ve seen parents who try their hardest and still have big problems with their children. I’ve seen incredibly ’together’ women suffer terribly from PND. It’s not always about getting back what you put in.

Currently, two acquaintances of mine each has a seriously ill child under the age of two. One who will need extensive surgery on her skull, arms and legs as she grows, right up until adulthood. The other is battling a very aggressive cancer. This is stress and suffering that cannot be predicted based on how much effort you put in to your children.

I knew a woman who had an amazing life with her three children until her husband ran away never to be seen again and she ended up broke and in a 1 bedroomed flat and suddenly, everything disintegrated for her. She never expected it.

We see a range of stories across MN and I think it’s helpful to find out about other people’s experiences with children so that you can be prepared for the challenges that you might face. It’s not a decision to take lightly. So many people have posted on MN along the lines of ‘I love my children but I wouldn’t have had them if I had known how hard life would be’.

im glad i have had kids. My choice, ive "sacrificed" a lot to have them. Im single, not exactly through my own choice but it is what it is.
Life is harder now, im poorer, but im happy.

I do not judge those who choose not to have kids, their choice.

each to their own really but my life would be shit without them in it.

@beautifulstranger101

I don’t think anyone has said on this thread that only people with kids regret heir choices. And tbh I think this

So this idea that only people with kids "regret their choices" is simply not true and is often a defence mechanism wheeled out by people who seem to get off on the idea that all parents secretly regret their choices as a way to validate their own.

IIs also true the other way around, I.e some parents like to hear about people who regret not having children because it makes them feel better about rptheir choice to have them.

@SunbeamsOverhead Because we live in a world with children and sometimes have to be responsible for them without breaking them. Also MN is only about 30% child-oriented by weight. Unless you count MIL stories in which case it's about 70%.

I see lots of posts in this thread saying they know parents regret their choices but hardly any saying that childless people do and yet I personally know of quite a few people who regret not having kids and its a great source of sadness for them.

As for complaining, we all complain about our choices to a certain extent- yet when parents complain its automatically "well YOU chose it!". But people complain about their choices all the time- people complain about partners, pets, jobs, careers, houses, etc etc All choices that we have made.

@beautifulstranger101

As for feeling regret, I do know of childless people who deeply regret not having kids, just as I know people who say they regret having kids. So this idea that only people with kids "regret their choices" is simply not true and is often a defence mechanism wheeled out by people who seem to get off on the idea that all parents secretly regret their choices as a way to validate their own.

I think, it’s probably a given at the moment, that society expects all childless people are full of regret and resentment. I constantly find myself answering questions about whether or not I think I will be filled with regrets when I am old...

I didn't have kids (and it's too late now).

We paid off our mortgage in twelve years because we didn't have to upsize or be in an area with good school access. This single thing has modified the rest of my life - made it a fuckload more comfortable financially, that's for sure. Enough that I've been able to help out family when emergencies etc have happened, not enough to retire early!

I have several piles of nieces and nephews who I enjoy spending half a day with. Seems a good amount of time.

The lack of 24/7 responsibility is the biggest bonus. I have no idea how people manage it, and I am regularly in awe of them - particularly after looking after DF when he was dying, which I'm pretty sure was easier.

Nah- its not just society expecting them- one of my friends told me she really regrets never being a mum and often gets tearful about it.

Thats not society- thats something she put off because she thought she had time but now its run out. I live in a very unconventional/bohemian place so the "married with 2.4 kids" standard really doesnt apply here and that pressure isn't on people.