To think it’s normal for high earners to get home late/work long hours?

[NCDays]

SiL got a new job last year which was a significant step up from her previous role and she now earns enough to pay additional rate tax (so must be £150k +). The job is in London which is a 30-40 minute train journey away, plus a short tube journey to her office. Over the past year we’ve constantly been hearing about “poor SiL” / “life is unfair to SiL” from MiL and the rest of the family as SiL is not home most week days until 8pm and leaves for the day at 6am. It’s supposedly a 9-5 job, she’s only a year in to the role and is apparently already exhausted and drained from working longer than her contracted hours and struggling to cope with the constant train delays/cancellations on top of that, meaning she has no time for herself or her hobbies during the week. I should point out that SiL is 29 with no DC, so she’s certainly not coming towards the end of her career.

AIBU in thinking that this is all pretty standard stuff and par for the course for successful, high earning city worker?! The rest of the family seem to think I’m mad in thinking it’s to be expected.

Yes that’s how it is. My daughter is a lawyer in the city. Long hours. Sometimes all night. Cab home to shower and cab waits and takes her back to work. This has been a few times When it’s overnights. Normal hours are 09:00- 01:00 or 02:00. She is leaving soon. It’s not a healthy way to live. Good money but not 100k. About 70k I think.

Hadtoask is completely right. Try the Magic Circle - leaving the office at 8pm is often the stuff of fantasy. And yes, I have DC...

Not always. DH earns about this and leaves at 8, he drops DS off each morning. He's home at 7pm or 7.30pm most evenings, 6.30pm on a Friday. His commute is an hour.

I earn a bit less, prob just barely 6 figures if you include bonuses etc. I work 8 til 4 so i leave the house at 6.45 but am home by 5.15pm after collecting DS. Neither of us works much on a weekend - we might answer an odd urgent email but would be spending maybe 15mins max.

My Recently semi retired DH earned big money. 12 to 14 hour days were the norm. He never worked on the weekend, that was precious family time.

@thecatsthecats good points. Surely the likes of the Magic circle could cut their perks which are really to keep you chained to the office & just hire some more staff.

@justmyview I've not checked the maths but pretty sure i'm not far off.

Doobiev, you’re right , but unfortunately, those kind of jobs don’t exist.

You can’t job share in the magic circle — cases are complex, couldn’t download all the details I carry in my head. Clients are demanding. If you don’t do it they’ll find another firm who will.

which jobs @fascinated?

I also work one day a week from home. It helps that we have both been in role a long time so know the job inside out, we are early 30s and have both chosen to stay within one company rather than move to progress.

Sounds quite normal although her day is front loaded so she leaves and gets home earlier than the average I would say. I am a similar age and earn a similar amount in London, and at my company average working hours are probably 9-9 four days a week, 9-6 on Fridays. Plus commute. But 8am-1am is certainly not unusual, often for weeks at a time. A lot of people actually prefer when we are travelling away from home for a project as then you don’t have to deal with a commute or chores so you actually have more free time.

I’ve managed to keep my hours a bit lower averaging at 9-7 by ruthless prioritisation, having clear boundaries and not giving too much of a shit, which brings them in line with your SiL. No DC and I certainly don’t see how it would be compatible with that - my colleagues with DC basically don’t see them Monday to Thursday except maybe an hour in the mornings and rely on nannies or a SAHP.

I’ve never heard of a legal job paying 70k on 4 days. Doesn’t exist.

I absolutely agree that two parents working reasonable hours for reasonable salaries is better than one or indeed two parents working 50. + Hour weeks. Both parents doing four day weeks for above average salaries is absolutely ideal.

However the SIL isn't a parent so that's completely irrelevant here!

I actually think the key is this is all coming from MIL and wider family not SIL.

I had a presenteeist, well paid (for the time, my age and my qualifications and experience) job in the city (back office in an investment bank) in my early 20s. 12 hour days Monday to Thursday though dependent on deadlines not usually past 6pm on Friday and no weekend work. Expected to socialise with work a lot too. A lot of time at work was spent doing not much though - hours lost to office banter and long lunches absolutely fine but leaving at 5pm heavily frowned upon and seen as shirking. Madness. It was actually a lot of fun in its way at the time, but utterly incompatible with the life I have now as a parent.

My mother might well have been telling everyone that poor darkteatime works so hard and can't get home midweek for auntie Edna's "do" or will be arriving on Christmas Eve evening and leaving on boxing Day because she has to work, and indeed I would be working but didn't see it as "poor me", I was quite happy during that finite life phase.

You're getting MILs take, doesn't mean SIL would change anything or is unhappy or even as tired as MIL claims!

The problem is you don’t know when your clients will ask for stuff, that’s often why you end up in late even tho you’ve been faffing with nowt to do earlier in the day. Or you are dealing with different time zones and massive teams on a big deal so calls and stuff happen at all hours with tons of people. At least now with mobiles I imagine folk can pop out and get stuff done at quiet times — in the days before that you were chained to your desk waiting on a fax or email or whatever. still no use for family life of course, but that’s why the jobs pay a premium.

@fascinated I definitely know people who work in the law sector part time & earn 55k plus (I didn't say 70k).

Sounds about right. DH was on that kind of money and left home at 6am and was home by about 8.30pm, if the trains screwed up more like 9.30-10pm. He’d also work weekends and the email/phone was never off. He didn’t get involved in anything family related so no long family holidays, school plays, parents evening etc, because he had no time.

He became an unhappy, insomniac, fast food eating, heavy drinker to cope with the hours.

He got made redundant at Christmas, and I’ve never been more thrilled! He now sees that it was insane, and doesn’t want to go back to it. He’s looking for something local, on half the salary.

You sound bitter about it. Why shouldn't she complain or feel drained? Why does it affect you at all.

Which part of the country, if I may ask? That’s interesting. Definitely not in my specialised field.

Doobiev, sorry, misremembered what you said.

Perhaps things are changing ? I’d love such a job but honestly I’ve never heard of that.

what jobs
Our company managment team members (including finance manager, head of HR, legal and so on) make that kind of money. On most days, we are all home by 6. As a pp said, we are not paid to warm our chairs for 12 hours, we are paid for other skills and competences.

Now, most of us have at some point also done crazy hours to get where we are. But it's not true that you can't have a 6 figure salary and work-life balance.

London, they work for other companies as opposed to law firms. Having said that law is a very demanding career in general, I know a barrister who works crazy hours.

Jobs I know that pay relatively well & have a good work/life balance are accountants, surveyors, marketing, hr, dentists & doctors. Obviously it is dependent on your company but the vast majority of the parents at my children's school have 2 parents working (a mixture of p/t & f/t) & most have the ability to wfh & have flexi hours. Very, very few miss assemblies/plays/reading etc

Sorry for thread derail. I will shut up now.

But we don’t know that the SIL is complaining, or if she is, that it’s any more than an occasional ‘oh, god, week from hell!’ grumblethat we’ve all done from time to time. Some people, especially ones who haven’t worked in demanding professional roles, or who are used to women having ‘little jobs’, or used to people having clock-in-clock-out 9 to 5 jobs, find the SIL’s job anomalous, or have ideas about how she should be out finding a husband — so the idea that it’s this unbearable, unnatural slog possibly comes from her mother or other family members, who don’t realise how usual this is?

I know that at times in my life I’ve not recognised my own work life as reflected through my mother’s eyes, simply because she’s not used to women in senior professional roles.

Perhaps things are changing ?

I think they are. DH recently had 2 job offers (finance) he chose the one that offered wfh once a week as he's got used to that. I have flexi hours & can work from home, cant imagine not having that.

I think the younger generations value it even more so. My DB wanted to leave his work to live/travel abroad & his work asked him to work remotely part time when he resigned. One of DHs current assistant works remotely from Europe.

G5000 my company is like that. It's just an ordinary corporate, as opposed to client service type. We are paid for expertise & performance, not presenteeism. My group head's approach is to raise concerns over either efficiency or staffing levels if noticing people working excessive hours for long periods of time.

Horrible, but at least she is earning a lot so can presumably afford cleaners etc. I dont suppose they allow four days a week work pattern. Realistically prob not a life long option, hope she's saving lots so can move to more manageable work/life balance in her 30's.

Could be working in local government with similar workloads for lower, or the NHS, or in a Care Home, min wage etc and extra par for the course everywhere.

Ps law has terrible culture of long hours. The legal team in our company work longer than anyone else, although they don't work as long as the city firms we recruit them from. It seems terribly hard to break lawyers of the notion that you can be excellent and well rested.