To think it’s normal for high earners to get home late/work long hours?

[NCDays]

SiL got a new job last year which was a significant step up from her previous role and she now earns enough to pay additional rate tax (so must be £150k +). The job is in London which is a 30-40 minute train journey away, plus a short tube journey to her office. Over the past year we’ve constantly been hearing about “poor SiL” / “life is unfair to SiL” from MiL and the rest of the family as SiL is not home most week days until 8pm and leaves for the day at 6am. It’s supposedly a 9-5 job, she’s only a year in to the role and is apparently already exhausted and drained from working longer than her contracted hours and struggling to cope with the constant train delays/cancellations on top of that, meaning she has no time for herself or her hobbies during the week. I should point out that SiL is 29 with no DC, so she’s certainly not coming towards the end of her career.

AIBU in thinking that this is all pretty standard stuff and par for the course for successful, high earning city worker?! The rest of the family seem to think I’m mad in thinking it’s to be expected.

It is normal, but still exhausting. Over time it gets better now (i used to have similar working hours - i’m
more senior now, so can work from home a lot which helps). but for mire junior roles - its normal, but very hard

It's normal. It's true that it's draining but she gets the reward of a massive salary. Many people work long hours in draining jobs for an absolute pittance and all walks of life have to endure the chaos of commuter trains into London being cancelled and delayed day in day out.

She could leave in a couple of years and get a lower job, having saved £200k if she's wise.

hmm well my mum was a teacher and left the house at 6:45 in the morning to drive 12 miles to work and tended to get home at gone 6pm to then do more work in the evening for a normal primary school teacher salary but she worked in a very deprived area with a lot of problems and children with a huge number of issues which made the planning very difficult even for an experienced teacher.

I think with such a high salary and with her choice to commute that distance she can't complain.

It might be normal but I don't think it's right. Most of the time there is really no need to be at the office that long regardless of how high up the corporate ladder you are. It's a culture of presenteeism and it sets a bad example for the 'lower' ranking employees - as if the longer your bum is in your office chair for, the harder you must be working and the more deserving you are of a high salary and promotions etc. I honestly think the whole thing is bollocks. Pay someone £150k for their expertise, experience, leadership skills etc, not for their ability to say 'fuck it' to any sense of work-life balance.

If I had no DC and was 29 and on that much money I would not be complaining. To earn that amount you need to work hard and usually time is a massive sacrifice.

Just because she earns a lot doesn't mean she's not exhausted. The money doesn't make those sort of hours and commute any easier.

I think a commute makes a huge difference though, not just the length but the stress of it. I used to do 40 mins commute (20mins on the tube) so not that bad but I now walk to work in 15 mins. The difference is incredible.

I think it's a bit mean spirited not to empathise with her anyway !
It's tiring to work that every day. Probably the older generation in the family just feel it's too much and she might've ok with it.,

There is no such thing as '9-5' for jobs at this level, so I'm not at all surprised.

Personally I think it's better to have 2 parents working in good jobs. By good I mean an above average wage, not to stressful, remote working, etc as opposed to 1 person working long hours, commuting & the other picking up the household stuff.

2 people working 4 days a week earning 60k each will bring in about 7.2k a month & qualify for 30 hours free childcare. 1 person earning 155k will take home approx 7.7k.

I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself when I read about the great money so many posters have on mn, because they or their partners earn so much. I didn't realise the hours put in to get that money. I couldn't do it, nor could dh. We've got uni age kids and have spent so much time with them and together. But it's been sooo tight financially.
But now I see you either work all the time and give up time with your family or you spend the time at home and give up financially.

I won't feel poor any more. If time came in money I'd be rich.

It's an interesting one isn't it.

I don't think OP is being mean spirited. I think she's tired of listening to her weirdly unrealistic PILs harp on about 'poor hard done-by SIL'.

OP doesn't say that SIL herself is surprised by the demands of the extremely well-paid job she voluntarily applied for.

it's the reason a lot of people end up crashing out of those jobs in their mid 30s to 40s, but then they can afford to trade the experience for a better work-life balance by then.

We have similar in our family - they are her family, it is hard and ultimately damaging to your health to be constantly stressed.

she chooses a £150k job over a lower paid job with a better work/life balance. Good for her, but i wouldn't automatically feel sorry for her.

It's normal and MIL is being a bit overdramatic about it. For 150K you put up with it.
Having said that, my DP used to have a City-type high-paid job (not nearly as high as this though!) and he was eventually basically told by his GP to leave or he'd get a stomach ulcer. For that kind of money they
pretty much want to own you.
Best to do it for a bit, pack away some money and then go and live in a beach hut in Bali or whatever one's dream is!

While I'm all for kindness and empathy in general and think comparison is the thief of joy... the people I really feel sorry for, work-life-balance-wise, are the ones working long, demanding hours for low pay.

There isn't one 'money / time continuum' that we all sit at different points upon. Some people make much, much more per hour than others and that depends more upon the sector they work in (profit-making or not) than their skill and training level.

Plenty of people are cash poor AND time poor.

It's normal, so YANBU. It is exhausting though, some people do get burnt out and very unwell from the long hours and work stress; having more money doesn't make you less tired. There's nothing at all wrong with her family worrying about her, most people think about those they love. It sounds like jealousy on your part, just keep your beak out of it.

Standard here for hubbie BUT we have 4 kids!! Add in aswell the overseas trips messing up body clock with the time zones and a young child who gets up at 5 everyday and an insomniac wife ( me!!) who doesn’t sleep till midnight.

Husband is a higher earn >100k but slightly different in that he works month on month off.
But when at work it's 16 hour days in 40 degrees heat for 28 days straight with 2 short changes in that time which means 48 hours with no sleep and it's a hard labour job on a drilling rig, add in constant hunger as food is pretty rank and often the expats can't eat and he also gets diarrhoea a lot due to the place being dirty. Oh and it's a highly dangerous job

He comes home for 3.5 weeks (travel time to abroad comes out of his 28 days off) and is absolutely exhausted ,

No many can cope with it, but for him it's worth it for the money.

He definitely deserves his money, that's for sure .

Lottiegarbanzo has it spot on. At least she and others like her ( my husband for example) get a high monetary reward in exchange for having little personal time.

she chooses a £150k job over a lower paid job with a better work/life balance. Good for her, but i wouldn't automatically feel sorry for her.

Not automatically, no, but there are valid points about this bizarre working culture.

I run a small company as COO. I have friends who've been in these high-powered 'burnout' jobs. I very much see the benefit in refreshed and rewarded staff.

Yes, the jobs are well rewarded. But it strikes me as utterly crackers that the firms don't take on additional, say 20% of staff, reduce incoming salaries to a still-handsome £100k, and have staff working fewer hours.

They will still attract exceptionally talented and qualified people for those salaries. Those staff will not suffer from burnout so easily. They will open up the field for talented women otherwise excluded by motherhood. Those staff will, one would hope, be working better for the company because they're not stressed, tired and miserable.

I can't see the practicality of limiting the number of your staff in this way in order to give higher reward to the miserable few.

Personally I think it's better to have 2 parents working in good jobs. By good I mean an above average wage, not too stressful, remote working, etc as opposed to 1 person working long hours, commuting & the other picking up the household stuff

2 people working 4 days a week earning 60k each will bring in about 7.2k a month & qualify for 30 hours free childcare. 1 person earning 155k will take home approx 7.7k

I haven't checked the maths, but in principle I agree with @doobiev I think two parents working sensible hours is far better than one "big job" and a SAHM. In this house, we both leave home around 7.45am, and get back around 4.45pm, or 2pm on Fridays. No weekend working. Joint household income approx 95K

Fuck that. Plenty of people put up with this for much, much less money. She can quit.

DH would be a high earner but we are blessed that his work is walking distance from home and he comes home normally around sixish and often earlier but would then work from home later in the evening as many of the team he works with are at the other side of the world so in different time zones. I would definitely expect long hours once you are at a certain level.

Reading this thread makes me cherish my 20 hour week work from home job