To have phoned BIL to collect DN as he hurt DD?

[Aryaneedle]

I was furious so I think my anger is fuelled my unreasonableness.

I picked up by two nephews from school along with my DD and DS. DN is 12 and has just gone up to secondary school along with my DS, also 12. He's had a rough transition as he had a shoving and pushing fight in the first two weeks and then my DSIS made a massive song and dance about it, DN got really stressed and ended up in hospital for two weeks with stomach pains that eventually were put down to anxiety.

My DSIS has struggled on and off to get him into school since (it has been made into something DN can negotiate now) and he saw a private psychotherapist last week.

DN has been aggressive towards his little brother (age 7) ALOT and is generally quite 'cocky' and cheeky to adults, swears, doesn't listen and is rude to my parents (his GP) and me. He said also really disrespectful of my house. Jumps about, puts his dirty hands on my white walls and ceiling etc.

Tonight was the last straw. On Tuesday he punched my DD (age 8) in the leg just as he was leaving my house and was causing a huge scene for my parents, so I let it go as it was really fraught. Tonight, after I collected them he has scratched my DD on the hand and made it bleed profusely. DN then told me to fuck off when I told him off. I made all 4 children sit in my eyeline and was shaking with anger, I had to phone BIL (a policeman) to come and get them as DN was shouting and swearing at me. I left a very physically abusive marriage and I don't cope well with aggression. Especially towards DD and little kids.

WIBU to phone BIL? I have sent BIL a message to apologise but said I can't tolerate him hurting my DD. I've had no response and I'm expecting to get it in the neck from my DSIS tbh.

YANBU. At all. You may get some pressure from family to brush it off but - and it sounds like this may be tricky - you should definitely stand your ground and protect your DD. That level of anger and defiance is pretty extreme IMO (as someone who works with teenagers) and you handled it well.

I’d refuse to collect him anymore if hers going to hurt your kids and be a little shit.

Not unreasonable in the slightest. Regardless of his issues your DD comes first!

I wouldn't collect him again personally and I think you were right to call him

No I dont think you were unreasonable if he was being aggressive and then swearing when you told him off. I think you did the right thing

Definitely YANBU to have him picked up, but I don’t know why you had him over after punching your DD deliberately. That would be the last time the little shit darkened my door.

Definitely not being unreasonable. It is not reasonable to expect people to take responsibility for a child that assaults their children, and swears and shouts at them. They will need to make arrangements to collect this child from now on.

Yanbu I wouldn't look after him again tbh

Unless he behaved he would be not allowed in my home again . He definitely needs to learn boundaries now before he reaches age where goes off rails

I’m sorry, it is difficult for you but YANBU. I could not have a child who behaved that way in my home or around my children. It’s difficult because he is family but your kids come first, an older child that assaults and swears at my children would not be allowed near them again.

You weren't unreasonable at all. And you certainly shouldn't have apologised. Your DD needs to know you have her back and anyone who comes into your house cannot physically hurt her.

If DSis kicks off just calmly explain that whilst you are supportive he is struggling he cannot be allowed to hurt your daughter (or anyone for that matter) in her own home. And you wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that by anyone else so what makes it's acceptable for him to do it.
I'd say that the arrangement isn't working out for you and you can't continue at this moment.

Why would that be unreasonable? If he acts that way towards you, I think you should refuse to collect him anymore.

jollyroger I know. I'm kicking myself that I not only let it go but gave in last night to a late night message from my DM asking me to pick up for her. I actually work FT (my mum and DSIS work PT) and WFH two afternoons a week and maybe once/twice a month get the 'oh can you just grab DN's when you get yours'. My DC's know to come home, start homework and I finish off my assessments and finish at 4.30pm. But with DN that is impossible. I'm going to say I can't collect anymore. It doesn't work.

I feel really guilty

Why do you think you were unreasonable?
If your sister kicks off tell her she makes the rules (or not) in her house and you make the rules in your's. If people don't like the rules, or don't abide by them then they are not welcome.

They might choose to appease him and negotiate with him. You don't have to.

Do not make it a discussion or negotiation with your sister. She has no right to dictate anything to you about your life, your house or your children.

End of!

YANBU! He wouldn't be welcome back in my house again. Your children should feel safe in their own home.

Your nephew sounds like a horrible bully. He may be experiencing different issues, but he is old enough to know better.

He has no respect for any of you around him and clearly can't be trusted

not unreasonable and i would stop collecting them. your top priority is protecting your dc and if your dsis kicks of so be it, explain why you cant have them, it is her situation to sort out not yours.

The only thing you were unreasonable about is texting to apologise, fuck that for a game of soldiers, you were dead right. You need to lose the attitude that yabu or the need to apologise because if your dsis does try to argue back you need to stand firm that you are right, you won't be having him again and that if he causes trouble in your company again they will be getting a phone call each and every time

If a child deliberately hurt mine, and told me to fuck off when I demonstrated with him, I wouldn't be picking him up again.

Of course it's fraught when he's family, but ask SIL and BIL what they would do if your child did the same at their house.

Demonstrated= remonstrated

You don’t need to feel guilty for protecting your seven year old from a violent bully, OP. He’s twelve and targeting a little girl.

100% of voters are supporting you. That shows you did the right thing. Your DD should not have to put up with a 12 year old scratching her. And you shouldn’t have to put up with such abusive behaviour.

You can have empathy for your nephew and still be unwilling to have your children around him if he cannot control his behaviour. If your family says something I'd say something like... "I love XYZ and I'm so sorry he is having such a tough time, but it is my job first to protect my children. If I can help in any other way, please let me know."

OP that’s about as decisive as it comes! Really no need to feel guilty and they’re the ones who should be apologising to you!

I have no idea why you apologised. You had nothing to apologise for, they certainly do. I would be horrified if my child behaved this way and could not apologised enough.

Sounds silly but reading that his father is a police officer I would have expected him “lay down the law” so to speak.

Honestly what reason would you your sister have to kick off at you? Do they also know he punched your DD as well?

Yes, when I phoned DBIL I said 'I'm sorry but you need to come and get DN right now as he hurt DD by punching her on the leg on Tuesday and bruised her and now he has just scratched her and she's bleeding and told me to fuck off. I can't let that go.' So they know.

I know they are struggling with him and I really want to help, but my dc are my priority.