Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have phoned BIL to collect DN as he hurt DD?

144 replies

Aryaneedle · 16/01/2020 17:12

I was furious so I think my anger is fuelled my unreasonableness.

I picked up by two nephews from school along with my DD and DS. DN is 12 and has just gone up to secondary school along with my DS, also 12. He's had a rough transition as he had a shoving and pushing fight in the first two weeks and then my DSIS made a massive song and dance about it, DN got really stressed and ended up in hospital for two weeks with stomach pains that eventually were put down to anxiety.

My DSIS has struggled on and off to get him into school since (it has been made into something DN can negotiate now) and he saw a private psychotherapist last week.

DN has been aggressive towards his little brother (age 7) ALOT and is generally quite 'cocky' and cheeky to adults, swears, doesn't listen and is rude to my parents (his GP) and me. He said also really disrespectful of my house. Jumps about, puts his dirty hands on my white walls and ceiling etc.

Tonight was the last straw. On Tuesday he punched my DD (age 8) in the leg just as he was leaving my house and was causing a huge scene for my parents, so I let it go as it was really fraught. Tonight, after I collected them he has scratched my DD on the hand and made it bleed profusely. DN then told me to fuck off when I told him off. I made all 4 children sit in my eyeline and was shaking with anger, I had to phone BIL (a policeman) to come and get them as DN was shouting and swearing at me. I left a very physically abusive marriage and I don't cope well with aggression. Especially towards DD and little kids.

WIBU to phone BIL? I have sent BIL a message to apologise but said I can't tolerate him hurting my DD. I've had no response and I'm expecting to get it in the neck from my DSIS tbh.

OP posts:
thejollyroger · 16/01/2020 17:39

But it really is their problem, OP. You have to put your children first as you say, and to be honest I would have baulked at having him in my house following the punching incident, and irrespective of hurting your DD again, after telling you to fuck off! Children aren’t allowed to talk like that in my house.

BillywigSting · 16/01/2020 17:44

101 and a unanimous yanbu is not something I have ever seen before.

I think you are completely right to refuse to have this violent child around your DD and calling bil to pick him up was the right call.

littlepaddypaws · 16/01/2020 17:46

dn isn't your problem he has parents that need to sort him out, they need to be speaking to school about his behaviour in school and rein in his temper in with professional help

Troels · 16/01/2020 17:47

Has he collected yet?
I'd be livid. I would also let them know that you will no longer collect or look after DN. Is other Dn also struggling or or you OK collecting him?

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2020 17:49

Oh come on, you're seriously asking if you were unreasonable, are you? Confused

KurriKurri · 16/01/2020 17:51

You were absolutely right to send him home. It send s a clear message to him that you won;t tolerate that behaviour, and lets your DD know that you have her back if someone is aggressive to her - no way should she have to put up with being the target of his aggression.

In the bigger picture - has he always been a difficult aggressive child, or has this started when he moved to secondary school ? Because that level of aggression swearing etc coming on suddenly suggests he has some major problems at school. But whatever the case his parents need to be sorting things out, he may be the target of bullying at school and that is translating into poor behaviour at home, or he may be a bully. But his parents can;t turn a blind eye to it - he'll be getting bigger and stronger as he enters teen years, it needs nipped in the bud now.

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 16/01/2020 17:54

Worra I wasn't sure if my anger was clouding my judgement. I'm livid.

I was wondering if, as the adult, I should have been able to handle the situation? (Which is what I'm predicting my DSIS will say) I honestly just wanted him away from DD though.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 16/01/2020 17:54

"I have sent BIL a message to apologise but said I can't tolerate him hurting my DD."

What on earth is there for you to apologise for? I would never let that obnoxious, violent, foul-mouthed brat in my house again if I were you.

AcrobaticCardigan · 16/01/2020 17:54

How can you have any doubt? You are absolutely 100% in the right here and absolutely should not be apologising.

CharityDingle · 16/01/2020 17:55

Feeling guilty about what?

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/01/2020 17:56

Look at the end of the day he isn’t your son, so you don’t have to put up with him or make your DC put up with him. You need to make your sister understand that she can’t keep foisting him onto family for an easy life - as she works part time I would expect her to do all the pick ups and drop offs. She shouldn’t need any help from family.

eddielizzard · 16/01/2020 17:58

You can't take responsibility for him, yes he's your nephew, but you don't have parental responsibility. You have to protect your children and given he's been physically violent I would ban him from my house until he's demonstrated a huge change. Don't feel guilty. And your BIL and DSIS shouldn't make you feel guilty either, they should show concern for your DD and be trying to work out how to help their DS. I'd be mortified if my child had done that.

eddielizzard · 16/01/2020 17:59

Well it's physical assault and as an adult, if an adult had done that I'd be calling 999. You did even better which was to call both a policeman and his father. If your DSIS gives you trouble I'd be taking a massive step back from her. She can't see the wood for the trees.

BrendasUmbrella · 16/01/2020 18:01

You have nothing to apologize for. Your dc's are your first priority. If your DN is hurting your DD, he can't be around her. Stop using apologetic language with your family. You are not unreasonable to stop this, don't let them think you are.

RhymingRabbit3 · 16/01/2020 18:01

YANBU. I wouldnt be collecting him from school again and I wouldnt feel guilty about it. Doesnt sound like he feels guilty about hurting your child, so I dont see why you should feel guilty for not doing his parents a favour. I hope they are getting him some help for his behaviour and defiance as it sounds extreme for his age.

Interestedwoman · 16/01/2020 18:01

YANBU, of course call a kid's parents if they're being/been violent and aggressive, especially as your family must know your past and should be empathetic.

'I was wondering if, as the adult, I should have been able to handle the situation? (Which is what I'm predicting my DSIS will say)'

Not if it was their kid- you can't 100% intervene the way parents would/should and the situation needs. If you'd done anything his parents probably would've been unhappy with you fir it anyway.

'I honestly just wanted him away from DD though.'

Yes, that's the way it should be, well done. Your kids are your primary responsibility.

What an awful situation- hugs xxxxx

thejollyroger · 16/01/2020 18:01

I was wondering if, as the adult, I should have been able to handle the situation? (Which is what I'm predicting my DSIS will say

You did handle it. You got a violent child you aren’t responsible for out of your house so he couldn’t hurt your child anymore.

Doesn’t sound like either of the adults in his house is handling anything.

BrendasUmbrella · 16/01/2020 18:03

I was wondering if, as the adult, I should have been able to handle the situation?

It doesn't sound like any of the other adults in his life are having much success with that, and you have younger dc's to keep an eye on.

By the way, have you had an apology yet for the fact that he physically assaulted your DD and their DN twice?

RhymingRabbit3 · 16/01/2020 18:05

I was wondering if, as the adult, I should have been able to handle the situation?
You did handle the situation. You didnt shout back or rise to his bad behaviour. You removed him from the situation by having his dad collect him. I think you handled it very well.

blindmansbluff · 16/01/2020 18:05

You did nothing wrong and actually THEY should be apologising to YOU for putting you in this position. Your responsibility is to your DCs, not some bad tempered, rude, violent bully who enjoys hurting smaller children. I would never take him again.

HuggedTrees · 16/01/2020 18:11

You shouldn’t have texted apologising, there was nothing for you to apologise for. You don’t need to teach your daughter that people can hurt her and you let it slide.

Mamia15 · 16/01/2020 18:12

Bloody hell. You work F/T and you and your DC should not be putting up with this shitty behaviour!!

Why are you feeling guilty? Why did you apologise? Don't be such a doormat.

They're the ones who should be apologising FFS.

He is not your responsibility.

user1471449295 · 16/01/2020 18:14

You did the right thing. I would refuse to have him from this point also

CactusAndCacti · 16/01/2020 18:16

YANBU in wanting to protect your child, and that absolutely has to be your first priority.

I would never let that obnoxious, violent, foul-mouthed brat in my house again if I were you.

not some bad tempered, rude, violent bully who enjoys hurting smaller children.

However my DS (who is very nearly 12) has violent and challenging behaviour. Whilst he has never hit anyone outside his immediate family, he has displayed other behaviours. We experience most things on a daily basis. It just saddens me to read the above.

You are fine to say no to having your DN, but please support the family, it is absolutely shit to be in this situation, the toll on my mental health, marriage and family is huge. Just be there for them, even if it is just a sounding board.

Whynosnowyet · 16/01/2020 18:17

Once they realise nobody wants to be treated like that they may address his behaviour more effectively...