To have phoned BIL to collect DN as he hurt DD?

[Aryaneedle]

I was furious so I think my anger is fuelled my unreasonableness.

I picked up by two nephews from school along with my DD and DS. DN is 12 and has just gone up to secondary school along with my DS, also 12. He's had a rough transition as he had a shoving and pushing fight in the first two weeks and then my DSIS made a massive song and dance about it, DN got really stressed and ended up in hospital for two weeks with stomach pains that eventually were put down to anxiety.

My DSIS has struggled on and off to get him into school since (it has been made into something DN can negotiate now) and he saw a private psychotherapist last week.

DN has been aggressive towards his little brother (age 7) ALOT and is generally quite 'cocky' and cheeky to adults, swears, doesn't listen and is rude to my parents (his GP) and me. He said also really disrespectful of my house. Jumps about, puts his dirty hands on my white walls and ceiling etc.

Tonight was the last straw. On Tuesday he punched my DD (age 8) in the leg just as he was leaving my house and was causing a huge scene for my parents, so I let it go as it was really fraught. Tonight, after I collected them he has scratched my DD on the hand and made it bleed profusely. DN then told me to fuck off when I told him off. I made all 4 children sit in my eyeline and was shaking with anger, I had to phone BIL (a policeman) to come and get them as DN was shouting and swearing at me. I left a very physically abusive marriage and I don't cope well with aggression. Especially towards DD and little kids.

WIBU to phone BIL? I have sent BIL a message to apologise but said I can't tolerate him hurting my DD. I've had no response and I'm expecting to get it in the neck from my DSIS tbh.

I would tell them it's you /dd that need an apology.
Yabu to have said sorry in any shape or form.

Please do not feel guilty. Your kids come first and they have to feel protected by you. You cannot allow them to feel abused by him. You cant keep letting it go otherwise your kids will grow resentful and hate you. Please stop looking after him. Tell the truth, he is too aggressive and he hurts your children.

Has he always been like this? Or just since he changed schools? And who was the instigator of the fight at school>

Yanbu. I’d refuse to collect him from now on.
If he has no respect for you and your family then he shouldn't be allowed in your house

I think I'd have to tell my sister I can't help out with him any more. This is not your circus and they need to figure out how to help their kids (who does sound like he needs a lot of help btw) before he comes over to your house again.

Why should you know how to handle a 12y/o being violent and telling you to tuck off?
I don't and I have two DS's. I've never needed to know and never will.
Not a chance I'd have him again.

Why the hell would you apologise to them? They should be apologising profusely to you. If it were me there is no way I'd have their kids over again. Your kids safety comes first. They seriously need to pull their heads out of the sand and address his behaviour.

Autocorrect antiswear may be operating my phone!

Why would you feel guilty about putting your child first and protecting her? It’s your job.

I would never had text to apologise for someone hurting my child, that was a unreasonable thing to do

You acted appropriately.
It doesn’t matter what is causing the behaviour, your children must feel safe in their home.
By doing nothing you are accepting the behaviour (violence and swearing) and the other dc will soon think that it is acceptable to behave in this manner.
Your sister needs to look after her son.

I’d have done exactly the same thing , but I wouldn’t have sent an apology later. Why did you do that?

Do you honestly think they aren't trying? Do you honestly think they enjoy being hit and swore at? Our 'help' so far includes telling me not to get cross/ angry when he calls me a f"'&# b"'& . hmm

Okay, I get that it’s not nice to read that others believe that the explanation for a violent, foul-mouthed 12 year old can usually be found through a close look at the parenting. It’s a difficult thing for me to say as well because I know it sounds judgemental. But if you take SEND out of the equation, when a child is behaving like that the first and last thing I think is: how did it get this bad? What makes a 12 year old believe he can tell his aunt to fuck off and hit a 7 year old? And I look at the example being set at home first.

You did the right thing.Completely unacceptable, and you and your children shouldn't put up with that at all, let alone in your own home.

The person who voted for unreasonable must be someone whose child behaves like this and they want someone else to deal with it.

Yabu to apologise. You prioritised you’re own children, as you needed to. Don’t have him back until he can behave.

Sounds like he needs more adults like you in his life

If DSis says you 'should have handled it' I would be wanting to know how exactly she thinks you should have done that? Because every option I can think of, other than what you actually did, involves your DD being a lower priority than DN and DSis needs to explain why on earth she thinks you should allow that when DN was the one being violent.

You are most likely in for a whole lot of DN-centred emotional guilt tripping, every bit of which you need to be turning straight back on them and reminding them that your DD is the injured party here and whatever is going on with DN is no justification for DD (or anyone else) being hurt. No one is doing DN any favours by tolerating this either, he needs to know from the outset that violence isn't acceptable.

Sorry, I've been trying to read everything and take on board what you are all saying and doing teatime etc.

Firstly, I'm not sure why I feel guilty. I think it's because I've got him in trouble when he is clearly struggling. I feel for all of them. I'm worried about him. I have a funny relationship with my family tbh and I feel uneasy.

Secondly, I sent an apology for losing my temper (I don't like to get angry and it was clear to BIL I was furious) this is the text I sent 'Sorry X. I lost my temper there. I just can not cope with X getting hurt.'

I don't know, the whole incident has left me a bit stressed.

Have you received any apology for the boy's behaviour, OP?

Sending hugs. Totally done the right thing. Your DD is your priority as their priority is their DS. Do not feel guilty and please don’t back down xxx

Custardysargeant is right. If my child had behaved like that I would be forcing him to apologise profusely

I've heard nothing from DSIS or BIL.

Your job is to protect your children.

Your sister and her husbands job is to get whatever help is needed to sort your nephew out before he heads too far down this path.

They should also be apologising profusely to you and DD, and thanking you for all you have done to help with their son.

Banish all other thoughts from your mind OP. This is not your problem.

Sorry, missed another question. He has no additional needs.

OP, you did not ‘fail to handle the situation’. You handled it perfectly. You protected your DD, and you isolated DN by getting him picked up. If the same thing happened at school his parents would also be getting a call to collect. He cannot injure anyone without consequence.

Sorry, the YABU was me! I pressed the wrong button by accident. Clearly, yanbu!