To have phoned BIL to collect DN as he hurt DD?

[Aryaneedle]

I was furious so I think my anger is fuelled my unreasonableness.

I picked up by two nephews from school along with my DD and DS. DN is 12 and has just gone up to secondary school along with my DS, also 12. He's had a rough transition as he had a shoving and pushing fight in the first two weeks and then my DSIS made a massive song and dance about it, DN got really stressed and ended up in hospital for two weeks with stomach pains that eventually were put down to anxiety.

My DSIS has struggled on and off to get him into school since (it has been made into something DN can negotiate now) and he saw a private psychotherapist last week.

DN has been aggressive towards his little brother (age 7) ALOT and is generally quite 'cocky' and cheeky to adults, swears, doesn't listen and is rude to my parents (his GP) and me. He said also really disrespectful of my house. Jumps about, puts his dirty hands on my white walls and ceiling etc.

Tonight was the last straw. On Tuesday he punched my DD (age 8) in the leg just as he was leaving my house and was causing a huge scene for my parents, so I let it go as it was really fraught. Tonight, after I collected them he has scratched my DD on the hand and made it bleed profusely. DN then told me to fuck off when I told him off. I made all 4 children sit in my eyeline and was shaking with anger, I had to phone BIL (a policeman) to come and get them as DN was shouting and swearing at me. I left a very physically abusive marriage and I don't cope well with aggression. Especially towards DD and little kids.

WIBU to phone BIL? I have sent BIL a message to apologise but said I can't tolerate him hurting my DD. I've had no response and I'm expecting to get it in the neck from my DSIS tbh.

I was wondering if, as the adult, I should have been able to handle the situation?
Why are you wondering this? As an adult, of course you should have been able to handle it. And you did. Perfectly.

(Which is what I'm predicting my DSIS will say)
"I handled it just fine DSIS - I protected my 7 year old, told off your 12 year old, & phoned his dad. You need to get professional help for your son's anger issues."

V

You did the right thing, and you need to build your own faith in your own choices.
I'd step back from your family a bit as they seem to be using you, and pressuring you to do more, and not listening to you. None of which you need if rebuilding yourself after an abusive relationship. Have you had any counselling?
Have they always been like this? If so could their eroding of your boundaries have been a factor?

Do not feel guilty for getting your DN in trouble hhe needs to get in more trouble in the hope his parents face up to the fact that he needs help.
To be honest I suspect he may well have a SN which hasn't been diagnosed (and has little chance unless his parents push). Alternatively he has had a much tougher time than you know - abuse/bullying etc.

If your sister complains then suggest to her that she gets professional help, maybe she contacts Young Minds?
If this was anyone other than a relative would you allow them into your house to bully your DD? What if it was a friend of your DS?

I have a funny relationship with my family tbh

Of course you do dear OP - people don't end up in physically abusive marriages out of nowhere. Early life experiences inform later relationship choices.

You have escaped that abusive marriage, & bloody well done to you.
Don't let your sister take over from your ex by giving you any emotional abuse.
Sister & BiL owe you & DD an apology.
There is no way you have anything to apologise for, & you do not have to allow DN into your home or near DD until you can see what measures are being put in place to find out what is really going on with DN, & you can see improvements in & acknowledgement of his aggressive behaviours.

I wouldn’t have him in my house again.
Say you won’t collect him any more. He can walk home, he’s old enough.

He has no additional needs.

Then where is all this anger coming from?
Who is influencing him, whose behaviour might he be modelling?

I've heard nothing from DSIS or BIL.

Then they are outrageously selfish, rude & inconsiderate.
It doesn't even occur to them to ask after DD?

I can't believe your sister and your BIL haven't apologised to you and made your DN apologise to you.

Please don't pick him up any more or provide childcare. You need to protect yourself and your children. You are also doing your DN a favour by showing him that actions have consequences (something he doesn't seem to be learning from his own parents). If he needs professional help, then you are helping to bring this to light by making it clear that he is not coping with normal childcare situations.

N. B. He is the one not coping with the situation. Not you. You handled it perfectly.

Don't let your family push you around. They are the ones not coping. They can't blame you for what your DN is like. He may be a little shit who needs better parenting (this is my guess, given that his parents haven't apologised to you). He may have some kind of special needs and need specialised help. Or both. Either way, you didn't cause it and it's not your job to deal with it. Your job is to look after your own kids and that's what you're quite rightly doing.

Still nothing from them? They clearly have zero respect for you or your DD.

I think you handeled it perfectly.

The only thing I would add is that your DSIS is clearly in the eye of the storm and your needs and your dd will be low on her list of priorities. So don’t take that personally. Which is hard.

She is obviously dealing with something big.

You handled it very well. Your duty is to your own children first and you MUST show them that this kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable. And sounds like DN needs to learn there are consequences for his actions.

You are not being unreasonable to ask them to collect him but what did they say when they picked him up? Did they apologise then? Maybe they feel that they have already apologised and are busy tackling the situation at home?

Your sister and BIL should be apologising profusely and dealing with the behaviour of their DS. That's the only appropriate reaction to this.

Absolutely do not feel guilty for protecting your children (and yourself) from your nephew. (I only feel sorry for his little brother, who has done nothing to deserve this and has no way of escaping...) I'd refuse to pick him up and keep him at my home until he can control himself and respects your authority.

If there's to be any hope for your nephew, your sister and BIL are going to have to face the fact that there's something seriously wrong with their son. That is not a normal level of aggression from a 12-year-old, and it's only going to get worse, if nothing is done to help him calm down and deal with his emotions in a more constructive way. If he's this violent at twelve, what will he be like at fourteen or fifteen, when he's getting bigger, stronger, and surging with teenage hormones?

Don't be pressured by your family (including your own parents) to interact with him (or force your children to spend time with him) more than you feel comfortable with, yourself. This isn't your fault, and it's not your problem to deal with. You may be able to support them when they decide on a plan of action, but don't be bullied into anything.

Your priority is your own family's well-being, as it should be. If your sister doesn't understand that, that's her problem. No-one looking in from the outside would judge you for it.

It sounds like you were mistaken in thinking your sister would kick off about this. She's probably busy trying to think what to do about her child's difficulties.

OP the way you handled it seemed fine at someone who also works with tends and parents.

You are probably aware of but could look into the following books

For assertiveness:
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_uRXgEbTGJF179?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

On how to change how you speak with and respond to him:
Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1847941494/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_HSXgEbDGGKQCE?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I'm sure you've probably read the Lundy book but it does explain how your previous relationship may have affected you?
Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

This might help you with your family relations:
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by. Philippa Perry

It's ok to say you're not looking after him anymore. It's ok to say I'm putting your children first.
I'd have been livid too and no one tell me to fuck off and is welcome back.
Stand your ground

They should be apologising to you!

Your kids should be able to be free from being hurt in their own home. I wouldn't look after them again until they can behave.

They should be saying sorry to you, no need to feel guilty! He needs to get into trouble, otherwise he's not leaning they are consequences for bad behaviour. But it doesnt sound as if his parents are dealing with him at all.