To have phoned BIL to collect DN as he hurt DD?

[Aryaneedle]

I was furious so I think my anger is fuelled my unreasonableness.

I picked up by two nephews from school along with my DD and DS. DN is 12 and has just gone up to secondary school along with my DS, also 12. He's had a rough transition as he had a shoving and pushing fight in the first two weeks and then my DSIS made a massive song and dance about it, DN got really stressed and ended up in hospital for two weeks with stomach pains that eventually were put down to anxiety.

My DSIS has struggled on and off to get him into school since (it has been made into something DN can negotiate now) and he saw a private psychotherapist last week.

DN has been aggressive towards his little brother (age 7) ALOT and is generally quite 'cocky' and cheeky to adults, swears, doesn't listen and is rude to my parents (his GP) and me. He said also really disrespectful of my house. Jumps about, puts his dirty hands on my white walls and ceiling etc.

Tonight was the last straw. On Tuesday he punched my DD (age 8) in the leg just as he was leaving my house and was causing a huge scene for my parents, so I let it go as it was really fraught. Tonight, after I collected them he has scratched my DD on the hand and made it bleed profusely. DN then told me to fuck off when I told him off. I made all 4 children sit in my eyeline and was shaking with anger, I had to phone BIL (a policeman) to come and get them as DN was shouting and swearing at me. I left a very physically abusive marriage and I don't cope well with aggression. Especially towards DD and little kids.

WIBU to phone BIL? I have sent BIL a message to apologise but said I can't tolerate him hurting my DD. I've had no response and I'm expecting to get it in the neck from my DSIS tbh.

Don't worry Nails I can't see the votes anyway!

I think that most people in your situation would handle it in exactly the same way. You have been completely reasonable. He is not your child and dealing with his behaviour is not your responsibility. They are right totally taking the piss asking you to mind their children when they know you are trying to work, even more so if their child is having behavioural problems.

Did they actually come get him?

Omg l just pressed the wrong button l am the 1 % but yanbu , sorry for the silly button press.

I think you're being very understanding and empathetic towards DN, BIL and DSis - perhaps too much so. Your own children come first, and you've acted to protect them - in my opinion the right thing. Your reaction has been because you are stressed at your DD being hurt, and the aggressive behaviour has triggered unpleasant memories from your past as well, understandably so.

This by no means you can't offer your emotional support to DSis, BIL or indeed DN - but not in a manner which exposes your children (or you) to the risk of harm whilst he is acting out like this. It doesn't sound like this has been going on for a long time so hopefully there will be a solution / breakthrough soon for him.

I'd not apologise for refusing to expose your children to DN if he is having violent outbursts, but I would let DSis and BIL know you empathise with how difficult it must be with DN acting out and you sincerely hope he feels more secure and less stressed soon. You remain open to helping out in future when he has learned some coping mechanisms from e.g. his therapist to deal with his anger/stress.

I say this as someone who had a very aggressive, violent sister - and took attacking me (unsuccessfully) for her to get the help she needed. Her anger also came from anxiety and stress. We have a much better relationship now and she says she's glad she was forced to seek help. I often see her taking herself out of a situation, going to another room, calming down and using her breathing to help herself. I know when to give her space. It's not perfect but it's much better.

its your job to protect your children, dont feel bad about DN. I would not tolerate that either.

Your children need to feel safe in their own home, i think you need to take a step back, be there as a sounding board and on the phone - but not physically.

timefor the parents to step up and deal with the little shit

Yanbu OP and do not allow the fuckers to guilt you or bully you! I love me nieces and nephews but from what you have told us this certainly would be the last straw for me I'd actually go as far to stop home visits. He cannot be hitting a little girl he is 12 and could probably lamp me! I'd be telling bil that this is the final straw but although you very much love your nephew you need to protect your dd and be honest due to your past he can be quite scary, I'd expect an apology of the boy once hes calmed down and a one off the parents for handling it so appallingly.

To be fair OP il get flamed for this, if my 12 year old son hit younger children like this and disrespected elders like this I'd slap his face, id refuse to take him to family for play dates until he was ready to act his age. Sorry not helpfull

What was your BIL's reaction when he picked him up?

You say you think your sis will say you should have handled it. You did handle it. You called the parents. Exactly the right response. Put your kids first. They have a right to be safe. That the bottom line.

At least he’ll be used to the Police picking him up!

With all due respect, op, but what does it matter if your sister will tell you you should have handled it? You need a bit of backbone; she’s wrong and you know she is.
Stand your ground.

I find the fact you haven’t even had an apology, or even a acknowledgement of the event appalling. They haven’t even asked if their niece is ok? I can understand they are struggling but you are bearing responsibility for their child and they can’t even drop a text to check you’re all ok after their son was physically and verbally aggressive in your home. Especially given you have been in a violent relationship your sister should understand that aggression upsets you and should be checking on you! You most definitely have nothing to feel guilty about OP

The fact that you haven't heard from his parents is worrying.

Why on earth haven't they called you to find out what exactly happened?

Give his parents the links to Ross Greene's The Explosive Child www.whsmith.co.uk/products/the-explosive-child-a-new-approach-for-understanding-and-parenting-easily-frustrated-chronically-inf/ross-w-greene/paperback/9780062270450.html

and his website Lives in the Balance.
www.livesinthebalance.org/

@NailsNeedDoing @Solongtoshort

You can change your vote, just press the other button

Well done for showing your DD that if someone hurts her she will be listened to and protected. Too many vulnerable girls and women are preyed upon by abusers because they've learned that abuse is 'nornal'. You did the right thing, be proud.

If you don't put your kids safety and wellbeing first then who will. Stop collecting your nephew, your sis and bil need to start parenting him properly

I agree with CBeebiesrehab-
*

I find the fact you haven’t even had an apology, or even a acknowledgement of the event appalling. They haven’t even asked if their niece is ok? I can understand they are struggling but you are bearing responsibility for their child and they can’t even drop a text to check you’re all ok after their son was physically and verbally aggressive in your home. Especially given you have been in a violent relationship your sister should understand that aggression upsets you and should be checking on you! You most definitely have nothing to feel guilty about OP*

You were insane to apologize and,frankly,maybe you should've called the police on him for his aggression!

Dickhead adults usually started off as dickhead children. My husband's nephew was 10 when I started going out with my husband. I was genuinely shocked by how he spoke to his parents, particularly his dad. If the dad then tried to correct him, the mother would step in and tell the dad "You fuck off and leave him alone" to which the son would reply "Yeah, dad.. You fuck off you ugly Bastard". Etc. He was 10. And an unpleasant, entitled, horrible 10 year old. He's now an unpleasant, entitled, horrible 30 year old.

I had to tell my husband that I couldn't be around him, and I still spend as little time as possible in their company.

Your nephew is not your problem. And if your sister is blaming everyone else rather than trying to deal with him, then you will only upset yourself by getting involved. You are unlikely to have much of an effect. So the best you can do is not allow him in your house or near your children.

I don't really know what you could have done differently. If DN had apologised when he was pulled up on the scratch/punch, then that would be one thing, but the fact he told you to fuck off...? Of course his parents need to come and pick him up and address the situation. Dsis & BIL need to take responsibility, and so does DN. By age 12 he is old enough to know that punches/scratches hurt. He is old enough to know he is stronger than an 8 year old. He is old enough to treat people with respect (especially in their own home!) Above all, he is old enough to know that actions have consequences... and if he hasn't learned this, it is up to his parents to teach him.

I have sent BIL a message to apologise

Um ... what for?
Please have a think about how I left a very physically abusive marriage and I don't cope well with aggression might have skewed your own view of yourself. You controlled the situation, & informed DN's dad so that DM could be picked up by him. What on earth else could you have done?

I've had no response and I'm expecting to get it in the neck from my DSIS tbh.
Again - why are you expecting grief from her? Is your expectation a hangover from your abusive marriage - or is DSIS usually an aggressive person?

You have done nothing wrong.
You really must stop apologising for things you have not done & which are not your fault.
Stand your ground - DN kicked off, hurt your DD, & needed to be taken home. You called his dad. This was exactly the right thing to do.

If your DSIS does give it to you in the neck, tell her exactly that.
She will only be doing it to deflect her own feelings of dismay, fear, & inadequacy about the larger situation with DN.

I'm going to say I can't collect anymore. It doesn't work.
Good.
& your DSIS is a CF for taking advantage of your rare WFH afternoons, when your are the one with a full time job compared with her part time.

I feel really guilty.
Don't.
Tell me - did DSIS ever pick up your children, or provide regular care for yours, or is it a one-way street?

You did exactly the right thing and your dsis should be making him apologise on blended bloody knee. No way should you do childcare for him again. He’s not safe to be round your dd currently.